If I'm playing a trivia game, and I get an answer wrong, I mentally call myself stupid. If I am posting online or practicing my typing skills, and I make a typo, I mentally call myself stupid. If I make an error of any kind, if someone criticizes me for whatever reason, or if in any way I show myself to be less than perfect, I mentally call myself stupid.

Sometimes verbally as well.

Despite a higher than average IQ, I am firm in my belief that I am stupid. People have accused me of being a know-it-all, thinking I'm smarter than everyone else, and wearing my IQ on my sleeve, but the plain truth is exactly the opposite. Deep down, I consider myself very, very stupid. I can't seem to shake the delusion, no matter what the evidence. Its roots are too deep. Even if I do look at intellect, I immediately discount it as something that "doesn't matter." What does matter is whatever I lack: Hollywood-standard beauty, athletic ability, or social skills. Those are the things that make a person popular. Not brains. Nobody likes nerds.

I think this began in second grade, when I was a new student in a class where people somehow got the idea that I was--well, it is now called "mentally challenged" or "delayed." The word that was used back then is filtered out on some support sites now. It rhymes with "she started." People at that school weren't saying it to be mean. They honestly believed I was what they said. Intellect was not a measure. Never mind that I was among the best readers in my class, and got high grades on the papers I turned in. My lack of athletic ability, being years slower than other children in learning to throw a ball accurately or ride a bicycle, that's what got me the label.

Keep in mind that when I say "people," I don't mean only my classmates. I overheard many a teacher telling the children to be nice to me because I couldn't help it. They too had it in their heads that I was (that word). In fact on one occasion, my own mother lost her temper because I didn't understand what she was saying. Knowing what was going on at school, she yelled in anger, "Sometimes I think you really ARE mentally (that word)!" Immediately she apologized and told me it had been a cruel thing to say. But even then, I noticed: She didn't deny it. She did not add, "Of course it isn't true. You're not that." This left the door open for me to conclude that she did think that, but was apologizing for being so unkind as to say so. The fact that my mother's sister actually was mentally disabled cannot be overlooked. She had grown up with her sister, yet she threw that word at me in anger. Did she really think it? I still don't know.

One day, the teacher was displeased with the scores of a recent math test. Giving the papers back, she told the class they would review the mistakes and retake the test. A student asked, what about those who didn't make any mistakes? The teacher answered that only one student had earned a perfect score. Who was it, they wanted to know? The teacher told them, and the entire class reacted in waves of shock. I will never forget the way my name sounded, uttered in gasps from each classmate in unison.

I think this is what led to my becoming the female Arnold Horshack in any class from that day on. "OOH! OOH! Call on me, I know!" Sometimes I simply blurted out the answers before anyone else had a chance. Naturally this is where the "know-it-all" and the "thinks she's smarter than everyone else" comes in. I realize now how annoying that was to the others, but it escaped me then. All I saw was the need to prove I was actually smart. Of course, any time I got the answer wrong, classmates wasted no time reminding me that I was stupid after all, and that fueled the cycle. I would only double my efforts next time to make sure I got it right. I honestly believed that, unless I constantly demonstrated otherwise, people would assume I was stupid. And that was the one label I just couldn't take. I can deal with fat, ugly, clumsy, unfashionable, or weird, but not stupid.

This experience taught me the stigma endured by those who truly are intellectually disabled. Those people are simply not allowed to make mistakes. They really do have to be perfect. If they drop the ball one time, either literally or figuratively, those around them will immediately give up on their ability to learn. The meaner ones will laugh and call them names, and the kinder ones will pity them. "That poor girl. She doesn't understand. I'd better do it for her. Here, honey, let me do that." On the other hand when they do something well, their audience is overly lavish with the praise. Why? Because they are surprised that the person with the disability actually *succeeded.* The onlookers might as well be saying, "Hey, everybody, the monkey did a trick! How cute! Isn't that almost human of her?"

It should be no surprise, then, that probably my biggest pet peeve ever is when someone assumes before I even try something that I will fail at it, or doesn't give me a chance to learn from my mistakes. And when my mother praises me to the moon and stars for doing something people my age do every day... like working at a job, or buying and moving into a nice house... well, that's why it makes me uncomfortable, I guess.

Now the part that may trigger. Please be careful.

What prompted me to write this is that I may end up with a bruise, and I don't know how I'm going to explain it to my husband. I was playing a game. I got the answer wrong, and before I even realized I had done it, I full-blown smacked myself, while saying "stupid" out loud.

Can anyone please direct me as to how I should handle this? It's after midnight. Should I call a crisis line, or notify my psychiatrist during business hours?

And what do I tell my husband, who isn't home from work yet?

[beauflow]

Love birds- i'm sorry i don't fully understand the bruise part :-| something comes to mind but i don't fully get it. I read it as someone will harm you which if the case yes call the crisis line for sure and get help.
Now as far as you beating yourself up with thinking your stupid- i can relate too well with that. It's a struggle. When i don't get things right, don't know things or even imaginary faul at work or real- i can really beat myself up. My dad, my brother, my boyfriend, and even few strangers say don't beat yourself up. I get told to try to encourage myself more so i'll tell you that. and I have to say this- we are human no one is perfect so why do you or i have to be as long as i'm trying to grow in our minds and lives. Aka trying in general.

We can oly get so much info stuffed in our heads. And if you rather keep the info on animals, science, language "whatever nerd like" then That's what you enjoy and there's nothing wrong with that. Celebraty and fashion and beauty are just the skim of life. my dad use to tell me this- get an educated man out of his field and you find he's not so educated. This was a story from college with him. A teacher of his in i think chemisty, at who knew so much in that subject- had no clue about cars and wasn't shamed of it but learned about what he could from his students. i always like that story and remember it cuz it's true. Humans aren't gods- we can't always be right. I tell me that too cuz it helps to remember i have faults and it's ok to be human. My mom use to get on me with grades if i got a b Omg i need to do better- i came to realize this she never finished high school, thus she never went throu the stress as students went throu and who was she to be so pressuring on me about it, so i just tried my best ya know i don't read well like especially out loud and grammer is bad but i can get symbolism in stories most of the time some how. We all have strengths- we should treasure them and work on our weaknesses hope you well and encourage you

[unaluna]

1. Put ice on it!
2. My dues aren't paid up, but I was a member of Mensa, and my mother tells her casino buddies I'm SLOW.
3. Only one slap and only one stupid? I like to do it in threes, slapping the forehead. One time, I did it in therapy, only I somehow FORGOT I was hugging my T and had my arm wrapped around his neck, so when I went to slap myself on the forehead, I kinda strangled him - 3 times! DOH! Sure, we laugh about it now! But I mentioned recently in session that I seem to be saying it less.
4. I forget, do you have siblings? I think my parents were angry and resented that I got better grades (because I studied more) than my older brother - boys are supposed to be smarter, so a lot of what I did was simply discounted, and that sounds like the case with your accomplishments, both as a child and an adult. But a beautifully written piece, this! If you WERE more athletic, you would know to RICE your injury - Rest, Ice, Compression, Elevation. (heat AFTER 24 hours).

Thank you for the responses and the understanding. The mark on my arm is not visible now, two days later.

Yes, I do have siblings. I was the oldest and got the best grades in school, while those after me were probably just as intelligent but did not perform as well academically, and had far greater social skills. The most typical refrain from my childhood was something on the order of, "You're book smart, but you don't have any common sense." In other words, the kind of intelligence I *had* did not count, but the kind of intelligence I supposedly *lacked* was what mattered.

I was advised on another site where I posted this (one at which I am a moderator) that I should imagine similar attitudes being shown toward my grandchildren (a boy age 2 1/2, and a girl just turned 1.) I have to say, if anyone ever called them stupid and/or smacked them for getting an answer wrong, I'd have child protective services on the phone by the end of the day. The point being, if they don't deserve such treatment, my inner child doesn't either.

BTW, there was more than one smack and more than one "stupid," but what caused the welt was the final smack, when I picked up a wooden back scratcher and applied it the hard way to the inside of my arm. I examined it and kept an eye on it, but I didn't think treatment was necessary. We decided not to make a special trip to the pdoc, since I have an upcoming appointment already. However, if I were to keep doing this, or if I were to cause myself serious harm, I think I should make a special appointment. Recently my antidepressant was changed, and it hasn't had time to reach therapeutic levels yet. Furthermore, I've been suffering from a lingering cold or flu virus, and I found out that the dextromethorphan in the cold medicine I had been taking interacts badly with my new antidepressant. Goodness knows what that's been doing to my head. I'm now on a different cold medicine, when I need it. Physically I am not quite well yet, but psychologically I am doing much better.

In examining the self-imposed injury, as I say, I would have iced it if necessary, but if one of my grandchildren had a red mark from some accidental bump, I would comfort them and hug them. I did not comfort myself. Instead I added to the damage by berating myself for doing such a thing. At the other site, I was advised to treat my inner child the way I would treat my grandchildren in such a situation.

[unaluna]

Oh, I remember the issue now. I got the no common sense crack all the time too - I think it just proves how little time they spent with us, time they should have been teaching us all these common sense things. My brother still calls me booksmart, like it's an insult NOW? I'm 60 freakin years old, who cares?!

I just went to an online slang dictionary and looked at several definitions of "book smart." My favorites were:

• A common characterization used by people who are uneducated to describe and feel superior to people who are, themselves, actually educated. "Well, sure he's all book smart, but can he change an oil filter?"
  
  
• A term used by D-students to rationalize their academic failings. "I might be a sociology major with a 1.5 GPA, but that just means I'm not BOOK smart!"

As for common sense, it is not inborn. It comes from experience. And experience comes from making mistakes. Therefore, lecturing a child for not having common sense is useless, nonproductive, unhelpful, and downright abusive.

Oh, and beauflow: A Will Rogers quote comes to mind. "We are all ignorant, only on different subjects."

[unaluna]

Love the common sense defs! I l0ve Will Rogers. I need to read up on him. I saw Keith? Carradine when he was touring in his WR Follies show 15-ish yrs ago? There was a story in Readers Digest maybe around the same time?, about two little girls, ages 7 & 9, their dad overheard them playing Trivial Pursuit: Q: Who said, I never met a man I didn't like? And the 7 yr old answered: Madonna!

[beauflow]

Originally Posted by LovebirdsFlying

Oh, and beauflow: A Will Rogers quote comes to mind. "We are all ignorant, only on different subjects."

very true like that. I'm sorry i misunderstood your bruise. You shouldn't wack yourself thou i can't say much at times. Be nice to you