[fishsandwich]

I'm not sure if anybody else feels this problem - but I do. I've never felt self-esteem, and I'm not sure how it helps. Maybe it's one of those things that my brain is not wired to feel or experience? I mean, I know what my talents are, and equally my weaknesses - but it doesn't seem to matter. It seems like more, what affects my life is how other people perceive me and how they choose to intervene in my life.
Anyway, I wonder because I get told to 'work on my self-esteem' rather frequently, and I can't for the life of me figure out why. Any insight?

[Trippin2.0]

For me, having self-esteem (among other things) means I generally don't give a hoot about other's perception of me. People who know me, know me, and they judge me and my behaviour based on fact. People who don't know me, and draw their own conclusions? I simply don't care what their conclusions are...

[fishsandwich]

But their conclusions have implications on your life - or at least, they certainly do on mine. That's why I'm unclear what self-esteem is meant to change. As I said, I know what my strengths/weaknesses are and am secure in that, but that seems different from self-esteem somehow.

[Trippin2.0]

Self-esteem is your opinion of yourself. When you have a 'bad' opinion of yourself, that's low self-esteem, when you're opinion is 'good' or 'great', that's high self-esteem. High self-esteem like I mentioned above, doesn't let other people's perceptions get to you, even if they impact you to a certain degree, you get to determine the enormity of the impact. For me? Water on a ducks back...

[sconnie892]

fishsandwich - I don't have any words of wisdom, but I do understand what you are asking. I struggle with the same questions. I had a religious upbringing that focused greatly on "humility" and "not boasting" and those phrases are constantly running in my head. And I understand how you feel that other people's conclusions about you matter. Sorry I don't have any other wise words other than I understand what you are asking.

[-jimi-]

I'm one of those who don't get what self esteem is. I know I suck at certain things. If it is a practical task in several steps. Others will learn it after been shown twice, but I don't learn. I simply suck. I have to ask every time how it should be done.....

Other things I can do easily. People have me troubleshoot their Windows computers at times, and that I do with ease. They don't manage it so either I'm more interested, or they are simply bad at it and I'm good.

I know a lot what I'm good at and what I'm bad at.

I don't try to fool myself that I'm good at things I'm bad at. I know that if I want to do them still, I need to put in a lot of effort.

I have no idea how self esteem is weaved into all this. I guess self esteem is one of those abstractions I simply don't understand.

[Trippin2.0]

The dictionary defines self-esteem as the impression one has of oneself. Add that to my post above, and I got nothing further on the subject. Sorry I couldn't help you guys.

Who tells you you need to work on your self-esteem and why/in what context?

I know I have low self-esteem, how it manifests itself is that I often feel I can't do things/tasks well enough as a consequence I've tended to avoid them which causes a spiral effect as it confirms my poor opinion of myself. I'm following CBT at the moment which in practice means I have to do things I fear without allowing doubts to creep in - it's actually working very well.

It's different to knowing strengths & weaknesses, with low self-esteem the tendency is to feel that it is *you* that you are deficient in some way, rather than having a balanced picture of strengths & weaknesses.

Hope this helps.

[-jimi-]

I've been discussing this with friends who tried to explain. They all have a different take on what self esteem means.

One say you have bad self esteem if you think you are bad at many things you actually are not bad at. That made sense to me. But then I don't know, is good self esteem when you think you are better than you are? LOL.

I feel (mostly) that I'm a worthy person, even though I know I have some weaknesses that others can tolerate, but I can't... So in a way, maybe self esteem isn't a good scale for me, maybe I should focus on other things.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Emotional immunity.

Knowing who and what I am.

Not basing my self-perception solely on what others think of me.

I get hung up on this "self-esteem" thing too. I don't like the idea of "loving myself"; it so foreign.

but the other ideas I wrote here above are what help me.

Billi

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

The dictionary defines self-esteem as the impression one has of oneself. Add that to my post above, and I got nothing further on the subject. Sorry I couldn't help you guys.

I think that sounds, to me, like self-perception.

"Esteem", to me, means "high regard".

"perception" is how we "perceive".

Just my thoughts.

Billi

[-jimi-]

I sort of have two other words, self-worth and confidence. I probably made up my own definitions since I can't understand other people's thought processes. For me self-worth is something we all should have, as worthy people, like no one is better than the other. But self-worth can get damaged so people see themselves as inferior.

Confidence for me is how I expect to handle a task. Sometimes I know exactly what I can do, sometimes I expect a little much of me, and sometimes things go better than expected.

I assume people basically say what I think is self-worth is self-esteem, which makes sense in theory, but when people talk about self-esteem they seem to mix other things in.

[32je]

I've always had my suspicions about this as well. I mean if I feel good about my self, but other people around me don't (which could be a result of their own esteem issues etc. etc) then, should how I feel about my self matter? I mean in a social situation where I have the freedom to remove my self from certain people's presence, this solution is obvious. But there are situations in life when avoiding people is not option. Say for instance a job, where a supervisor or superior, who holds a position that can determine your success on the job. If for what ever reason despite your obvious, and demonstrated competence, this persons adopts a dislike for you (which, needless to say, is the result of their lack of self esteem) and is unjustly critical of your performance, and limits your ability to advance in your career, and gain a desperately needed increase in pay (which could help your self esteem) When situations like this arise, which they realistically do, what difference does how you feel about self make?

Obviously, you could find another job, but often there can be limited options for this. You could just quit, but then you would sacrifice the income which could then lead to other issues.

This point I am trying to make is that a person's self esteem can seem trivial, when other people's of your self have an effect on your self esteem.

You could have self esteem and live a isolated and solitary life, without interacting with other people who may not share the positive feelings you have about your self. But what would that mean?? Or you could behave in a way that would compromise your own self esteem, but would win the esteem of other people. There is a relationship here.

I don't know, but sometimes, how you feel about your self, wether good or bad, seems secondary to other factors......????

[32je]

Sometimes it seems your self esteem, is secondary to other factors in life. I mean it seems as if circumstances in life don't have much to do with how "you feel about yourself"

[Passion222]

Omg I just posted something similar to this!!! I'm
Told all the time to
Be strong. I'll know I'm
Giving Into someone who's bad to me, knowing its a toxic relationship. Yet I can't get enough self esteem
To
Say "no" like many people can

[girlwithbrownhair]

Hi,

I totally, totally get this. I am not sure what to make of self-esteem, either! I wasn't raised to believe it mattered, so that may be why?

Maybe it's the wording that confuses me...? Though to me, doing right should be what matters, and be its own reward, not the self-esteem. But to me, everyday is about...I dunno, just surviving. Happiness doesn't matter much...and yet its everything. Yep, confused as hell, I yam!

Looking forward to other answers..nice question.