[(JD)]

<font color="blue">"For we dare not make ourselves of the number, or compare ourselves with some that commend themselves: but they measuring themselves by themselves, and comparing themselves among themselves, are not wise."

Comparing does nothing for our self-esteem. imo

[Myzen]

Hi Sky,

Good grief, I'm comparing and criticising myself all the time! I've tried to reduce it by thinking of it as mental chatter, as if my ego was just a parrot on my shoulder.

The thing is, when we overhear conversations between 'normal' people, on the bus or in bars etc, everybody is at it. They are nearly always talking about a third person (famous or otherwise) and comparing and criticising them.

So, by learning not to compare/criticise, we are unlearning a natural process. Maybe the thing with the 'normal' people is that they are always comparing and criticising others, they haven't turned the weapon on themselves. Maybe that's the difference between them and us?

One thing I do, I never compare and criticise another person who is ill. Normal people are fair game, but anyone who is unwell comes into a special category with me, beyond criticism.

Good thoughts, M

[Dezdemona]

Something I have to work on too. Thanks, Sky.

[Rhapsody]

What happens when others have compared you to others most of your entire female life..... and now you feel (think) as though you do not measure up? -

. . . . her, me, we


The PAIN from being compared HURTS..... and now it will not leave us be.

[(JD)]

imo the same concept can apply. If we realize it is the act of comparing that leads to distress, then we can work on disregarding any opinion based upon comparison alone.

Realizing that others did wrong, that the expectations made caused us harm, helps us progress in healing. It won't happen overnight, but it is one more item to plant into our minds that help us change our thoughts imo.

if we can keep in mind that we're all individuals, just like snowflakes, and there's something, somewhere, special inside of us that no one else has......it helps.

i fall back on my strength and my sense of humour. i don't worry about whether or not someone else can do whatever. i know what i can do.

i also know that i save my *** repeatedly with my sense of humour. that is a gift and i think that a lot of us with mental health issues do use humour where others can't.

think about it......we're special....no comparison between us and "others".....love, pattynearlynormal

[wi_fighter]

You have to find the strength in you to overcome the hurtful comments of people in your past. Find even the smallest grain of strength and work from there.

For me, it took breaking away from the person who told me I couldn't live without him, would never be worth anything, would never find anyone again who loved me like he did.....I'm sure you get the idea. I don't need to say more.

But, from what I understand, your religious convictions prevent you from leaving a bad situation even it means possibly saving yourself in the process, so any advice I could offer from my own experience would be pointless.

Rhapsody, for your own sake, I hope you can find the strength to do whatever it takes. You have to put your own needs before others sometimes, even if you think you don't deserve it because of past lies that have been imbedded in your mind.

[Rhapsody]

Thanks W-Fighter....

I do understand and I am doing as you said.... have been for a while now - guess I (and 1 alter) needed to get that question out of the way.... to make room for HEALING.

Thanks...
LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[vivir]

Hi All,

Holy Poop, I am constantly comparing myself to others. How would I learn if I didn’t?

It’s not THAT you compare that matters, it is WHY you compare that matters.

I do it out of curiousity…to learn

I compare myself to everyone that I cross paths with. Maybe they can teach me something about how to be a better me, or maybe they can teach me how NOT to be.

And by compare I don’t mean, their clothes to mine, or their house to mine, or their paycheck to mine…no material. I compare minds…ways of being.

No one is better than me, no one is less than me, but they ARE different and it is that difference that offers me a ton of possibilities.

I don’t criticize…myself or others…that is terribly unproductive…what’s the point, I’d rather save the energy it takes to criticize and direct it at making a better me.

NOTE: I don’t criticize myself, but I sure do have a lot of fun at my expense…I’m really good at ‘Stupid Human Tricks’…you know, like when you’re talking to someone and the conversation is occupying a good chunk of your attention, and you’ve got the cat in one hand and an apple core in the other…you open the door and throw the apple core outside, then go dump the cat in the garbage…Yeah I did that, and when I realized what I’d done, I almost peed my pants laughing…the conversation ended, cause the person I was talking to ended up in the same state as me…the cat on the other hand was NOT amused…(I’m giggling just remembering)

So that’s my take on comparing…works well for me.

cheers

[(JD)]

While I understand what you are saying... I think it's still a valid point to not compare yourself to others.

If you must, compare yourself to who you used to be, and to who you can be. Leave others out of the equation?

[vivir]

I understand what you say, but look at it from another perspective.

You have to have things to compare to each other in order to learn...to grow...how do you learn what is right if you have no wrong to compare it too? How do you figure out if you want to be a lawyer or a doctor...if you don't have the one to compare to the other, how could I possibly have any past to compare to a future if I had never compared.

Comparing yourself to someone else and finding only bad in yourself...no, that is not what I mean at all, or comparing someone else to you and finding only bad in them...that is not healtthy either.

Look for the good inside and out!

[sc_irisact]

If there is anything I ever needed to be told it is to not compare myself to others - it is one of my biggest problems and the thing which I think gets me down the most

but how are you supposed to do that???

to all those who have posted i hope you are doing well or better and if anyone has any tips on how to stop or minimise the comparing I really need and would luv to hear them

[BluBird]

This rings sooo true with me and has for my entire life. My mother would always say "don't compare yourself to others" and "who cares what other people think" but I never learned what I should do INSTEAD - never really "clicked" in my mind until very recently (after years of therapy) that I can choose myself what I want. It is a very difficult lesson to really "learn".

[Sujin]

Good post! I used to compare myself to others all the time, but now I find it's healthier to just compare myself with myself, and be the best me that I can be, if that makes any sense!


Sujin

[Rhapsody]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
sc_irisact said:
to all those who have posted i hope you are doing well or better and if anyone has any tips on how to stop or minimise the comparing I really need and would luv to hear them

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

In all honestly.... I stopped performing this bad habit so much when..... I finally learned to accept myself & my body as it was! (working on healing my own wounds was the foundation for this).


LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[Sujin]

[(JD)]

I really like the way this thread is going We tend to compare, and indeed I think resist the idea of not comparing because of the way most of us are raised...not just family, but society as a whole... while it might be SAID it's important to "keep up with the Joneses" anymore...certainly that is the idea we get, imo.

Try and think of it as ---for this exercise--- "YOU ONLY".... You have abilities. You have innate understandings, feelings, and purpose, imo.

When you read a book about learning about jobs... you don't have to have a comparison of someone who does that work, to determine you would like to do that. You don't have to compare yourself to others who already do that work, to figure out if YOU can do that work. If you want to do that work, you study and do it.

I don't think that we compare our "best work" in relationship to others. Well, you might, but why do that? Isn't your best, your best, regardless of what another's best is??? If you only give enough to be as good as the next person, or, and here's where it's really not good, find that your "best" isn't as good as the next guy's... where does that take you? Certainly not good self esteem!

No, you don't need another to determine if YOU are doing your best...in anything etc.

Yes, there will be others who come along and, if we allow, will teach us HOW to become better...but still we don't need to do the comparing for ourselves. The other person might be able to see where we are, and where we could be. But for the time being, you're still doing your best, right?

Think about this.

[Sujin]

[sc_irisact]

Thanks for the post Rhapsody - but how do you learn to accept yourself and your body as it was???
Really I seem to be completely incapable of that one...