Questioning my competence as a human being

I come from a background of abuse of all types--physical, mental, and sexual, but the vast majority of it was mental. The feedback I've gotten about myself, from family members and peers alike, has always been some variation on, "I don't care how intelligent you are. That's just book-smarts. When it comes to living real life, you're dumb as a stump."

"You're book-smart, but you don't have any common sense."

"If you're so smart, how come you can't figure out...."

"You mean to tell me you're on the honor roll, but you don't know how to..."

"It doesn't matter how well you do in school. You're never going to get a good job, because nobody is going to hire a woman your size." (That's me with my husband, in my profile picture. I'll leave it to public opinion to decide if I'm too fat to be employable. And by the way, it was my mother who said that to me.)

I can't count the number of times I've been called a word that is now considered impolite but formerly meant "mentally slow," with technicalities such as IQ being dismissed as immaterial. I won't say the word, but it rhymes with "she started." The message has come through loud and clear. "Wow, you're sure good at that thing you just did. But it doesn't count. That's an empty skill. It won't help you succeed in life. In fact, being good at it only brands you as a geek anyway. What really matters are these other skills which, by sheer coincidence, you happen to be weakest in. The fact that you can't X or Y proves you're actually (that word). So you see, you really aren't very smart after all, and you have no reason to ever like yourself."

I was the oldest of four siblings, and I'm now nearing 49 years old. I was never taught to drive. The school I went to didn't offer driver's education, and although family members were willing to teach my younger siblings, they refused to teach me. I asked several times and got promises of, "Sure, I'll teach you to drive," but no one ever actually stepped up and did it. I was still in my teens when I heard my mother telling one of her friends that I had "some kind of mental block" when it comes to driving, and "just can't learn it." She had never even taken me out to try. Then directly out of high school came an abusive first marriage to a man who, I now understand, did not want me to be competent and independent and able to stand on my own two feet, because if I was, why would I need a creep like him in my life?

Circumstances are different for me now. I have a supportive husband who thinks I can do it, and had both the willingness and the means to pay for private lessons. I completed them.

But failed the test.

Which tells me, all those people who told me I was (that word) and couldn't learn it, were right after all. Sure, other people may fail the first time, or maybe even the first several times. But that's when they're 15 or 16 years old, right? Not when they're of an age when most people have been driving for two thirds of their lives.

I'm book-smart, but can't do a basic skill a normal adult does. Which has been pounded into me, is the real definition of (that word).

And I'm having an awful lot of trouble shutting those old messages UP.

Omg! No, driving now is harder than it's ever been! The people who paint the lines on the road don't even know how to do it right, and they're basically laying down the law of when to merge. I've written letters to complain, it doesn't help. Plus you know John Kennedy jr took the bar exam 3 times before he passed it, so you're in good company. Then again, I've been called book smart too but no common sense and too fat, so what do I know??

Hi Lovebird,

I didn't learn how to drive until I was in my twenties. The first time I picked my mother up for a drive she got this big fearful look even though I hadn't even started the car. I had never been in an accident, she had never seen me drive, but she automatically assumed I would be lousy at it. She gets her own rides now.

Lots of people fail their driving test the first time (even the first few times). Like any subject, try to fairly evaluate what went well and what needed improvement. Work on those parts and try again. Some of us take longer to learn some things. It is nothing to be ashamed about. I envy those people who have strong support systems. Some of us don't. All we can do is the best we can with what we have been given.

Best of luck to you.

There are a lot of people who pass the test and get a license... and they are terrible drivers. Can you get someone to take you out where there is little traffic and let you try to learn to relax? Keep trying

It's great your husband believes in you. Hearing about your family makes ME want them to shut up. I can't imagine being oppressed by that all your life. Horrible. I had other abuse, and feel broken enough to feel like an incompetent human being myself, without anyone telling me that. The bottom line is what you think you can do. And please tell your family to shut up, at least if they invade your mind. What a bunch of jerks!! (If you don't mind me saying - their jerky behaviour.)

So what kind of job is it you hope to get? Obviously there are things where size can get in the way, and there is always social bias in some areas, but it all depends. Book learning does matter, and people who can't make the honour roll are free to sneer at it. You sound like me in some ways - age bracket, wanting to work (again), some barriers, a supportive husband, and same time zone. PM me if you feel like it.

Edit: And just want to add that many people are jerks, so if they're not at you for being fat, it's some other nonsense like too skinny or even too perfect.

I am an office/clerical kind of person. I was hoping to be able to get a driver's license so I won't depend on others or have to ride the bus to get to work. Taking the bus means adding at least an extra half-hour to each end of the commute, if not more, and it's not always easy for me to walk to the bus stop. I have mobility limitations.

I have a retest scheduled this coming Saturday. My husband is willing to keep paying the testing fee as long as I keep trying, but if I fail again, I don't want him to have to keep burning money on me.

So it's the driving test? Which part was a problem before? I find there are certain things like not slowing down at a pedestrian crossing, that will automatically disqualify you (here in Canada). It's only your second try - good luck!

I don't see why you should have barriers to a lot of office work. It sounds like a lot of stairs could be a problem. Good luck with that, too.

OTOH, taking the bus can help improve your mobility, if it is possible to improve it. I love taking the bus. Today I took a long way home from the bus stop and passed by a family of deer eating their dinner. One of those, the universe rewards you for doing the right thing.

What are you having trouble with while taking the test? I'm a CDL driver with lots of experience driving. I'll help you out.

It is the driving test. The examiner insists I would have had enough points to pass, if it hadn't been for the automatic disqualification. On one particular stretch of road, I looked for but didn't see a speed limit sign, so I went with the flow of traffic, as every Joe Blow I ever discussed driving with told me I should do. It turned out the flow of traffic was 10 mph over the speed limit. Law violation, automatic flunk. Daughter tells me, "Yeah, people speed on that road all the time." I have had people tell me, essentially, "Screw the law and go as fast as everybody else is, because going too slow is just as dangerous as speeding." Not when you're taking the test, obviously, but as I say, I didn't see a speed limit sign. Now I know.

Elsewhere on the net, somebody else brought up the topic of other drivers passing her like she's sitting still and then giving her dirty looks, when she's going exactly the speed limit. Many a driver in that thread voiced the opinion, "I'd be the one giving the dirty looks. Just get out of my way, please." The question I had asked was, "If I'm going the speed limit and everybody else is speeding, how is it I'm the one who's wrong?" And the answer, "If the law is inherently wrong, then following it...." Those were the poster's exact words.

My stomach is tangled in knots about it right now, with the thought that if it isn't that next time, it will be something else. And even if by some fluke I pass, I'll be the one getting the dirty looks, and I'll see all kinds of complaints online about how people just hate morons who drive too slow.

I also bombed parallel parking. In the lessons, I had gotten it right on the first shot, and then I joked, "That means I'm going to totally muck it up on the test, right?" It was supposed to be funny, but it turned out I did exactly that. I've worked out in my head that I turned the wheel too sharply when I backed around the car. Scraped the rear tire against the curb. Six points off in this state, wouldn't have meant failure in and of itself. Backing around a corner was also wide, but not a total write-off.

PS: NOT that I would do this on the test, but my own daughter, last time I went out with her, coached me, "If the speed limit is 35, that means you can go 40." Legally, or even as far as what would be enforced, is that good advice, or should I ignore it?

PS again: I've just seen where the question was asked on yet another site, "Should you follow the speed limit, or the flow of traffic?" One responder summed it up nicely: "What the hell is a speed limit?" These people have their driver's licenses. I don't. So I'm in no position to criticize them, am I?

The law is 30 mph in a congested area, city. Before the test, do a drive by in the area where the DMV is. Try to look for speed limit signs so you know what they are. If no signs stay around 30 mph. If passing a school zone slow down to 25 mph.

For parallel parking the key is to line up your side mirrors with the rear bumper of the car in front. Then pull in slow and steady while turning the wheel slightly, not to far.

Apparently the speed limit in this city is 25 mph, citywide, except on some outskirts where it can go up to 40. There is no minimum speed in this state, so you can bet your asphalt I'm sticking to 25 next time. The test is given within city limits.

I just don't want to get so caught up in watching the speedometer that I forget to watch the doggone ROAD!

Trying to have a sense of humor.

LOL. Good idea. Better too slow than too fast.

You are lucky the speed in your city is fairly consistent. In our college town, it changes every few blocks, no kidding, like from 25 to 35 to 40 to 45, all within walking distance. It is nuts.

Oh, come on; my brother failed his driver's test a couple times before passing and my stepson's father, my husband, had to suspend his son's learning to drive for awhile because he literally couldn't "get it" and now my stepson teaches driving!

It's practice, practice, practice; it's the mood the test giver is in and your mood/anxiety level, it's all sorts of things wholly unrelated to you (did you use the same kind of car you learned in?) but it's not anything at all about competence as a human being! Keep taking the test until you pass. But quit thinking about those old tapes playing your mother's life story (what you mother said/did is about your mother, not you!) and think about what you want instead.

Thank you for the support everybody.

I passed!!!!

And to the family members who assumed something was wrong with me upstairs, and I wouldn't be capable of learning to drive, so they didn't bother to teach me, and nobody had any confidence in me before now, I'd like to say something.... but I'm too ladylike to say it.

Yahhhh!! I knew you could do it!!

Hope it silences that voice
and erases any question about your competence as a human being
I'm not so sure about that second part... I question daily the competence of drivers I meet
Congrats!

Great job Lovebird!