[henrydavidtherobot]

When I first arrived on my month long stay in Europe, I was so excited to be here and thought that everyone I met was the best thing ever and that I could tell them everything and I got reckless and too trusting and on the second night I got really drunk and opened up to two people about my past rapes. I feel like I made a fool of myself and can't go back. People are still friendly with me, but now I am CONVINCED that they dislike me and will dislike me more over time and I'm going to be here without any of my vices surrounded by people who hate me. Now these people who I thought were so cool seem lame in my eyes for judging me even though I have no evidence that they did. I am so ashamed and disgusted in myself. I never feel mildly embarrassed, but ashamed and wanting to punish myself Lately, I've been entertaining the thought of hurting myself, but I don't. I feel that it would maybe let me feel "punished" so I can go through my day without the excessive thoughts about how much I suck. I thought this trip would give me confidence and new friendships but I feel like I am stuck in the same cycle of impulsivity and happiness, then extreme self-hatred, anxiety, and depression. I can't keep going on like this. Its too painful and so, so hard to do but nobody can help me. I want to tell everyone to not judge me and tell everyone how hard this is and I don't know why. My T is not taking this seriously and most other people's advice is just don't do this or that, but I can't stop talking sometimes when I start and can't be anyone but me. This is getting so hard that life seems like it's something I can never do right. I just want to like myself and be happy and healthy. What can I do?

diagnosis: GAD, Panic, depression,

[gayleggg]

I, too, talk too much too soon. I have spent many times beating myself up over talking too much and telling stuff I should have held back on until I know a person better. I'm sorry you had to experience this on your trip. Don't be so hard on yourself, but I would be careful about drinking too much in the future. It loosens tongues even more than usual. Try not to judge the others. They may not be thinking badly of you at all, after all, they may just feel compassion for you. They may just not know what to say. Don't hurt yourself, you won't feel better. Believe, I've been there, too.

[henrydavidtherobot]

Thanks for responding, gayleggg. It really helps to know I'm not alone, esp since I feel so alone in this country. I just want it to go away so I can enjoy this amazing experience. I think you're right. Its really important for me to recognize that others may not be so bad, and I think that I am thinking they are bad in a "reject you before you can reject me" type of way. My roommate is very sweet and one of the guys that I talked to said he was really sorry that happened to me. The world is just so scary. Being vulnerable in a new place alone while making yourself vulnerable just makes it so much scarier.