[MotownJohnny]

One of my big problems, I guess I tried so hard as a kid NOT to do anything to set my father off on a tirade, that I felt I had to be "perfect" in everything. Because any little, random thing could set him off, it was a fool's errand from the get-go. Yet, I still tried. And, I guess the psychology of abuse is also that you want to try to please, in the vain hope it will somehow "change" the abuser into a different person that will love you and not hurt you.

And, of course, that ALL followed me into adulthood and continues to this day. It's a heavy cross to bear, because perfection is a concept, not a tangible thing, and isn't achievable by anyone, really, we may come close, we may have perfect singular achievements, but everyone makes mistakes, numerous mistakes, throughout life. Some make more than others.

Worst, some people feel that a tiny mistake is a "big deal". I do. I'll give you an example. In 1994, the day that OJ murdered his wife and Ron Goldman (not relevant, just that I remember the date for that reason), I was stopped by a cop. For something trivial in the grand scheme of things -- I was pulled over for going 32 in a 25 MPH zone. Penalty, $100 and 2 points on my license. Nothing in the grand scheme. Yet, what did I do, with my M.O. -- I cried about it for a week, obsessed about it for months, tried to come up with every argument why it was unjust and unfair, while simultaneously kicking myself constantly for being careless and stupid. In reality, one thing was it was an extremely young cop - he was kinda over jealous, my dentist lives in the same neighborhood and told me this guy was writing tickets right and left for as little as 3-4 miles over. And people were protesting big time and getting out of them. Did I try - no, I took it, paid it, accepted my fate and told myself I was trash.

For a $100 traffic ticket. As if I had slashed two people to death.

How screwed up is that?

[HealingNSuffering]

This perfectionism is familiar to me, my father is the same way, it drives me mad. I will not recommend doing the same thing I did to get rid of my perfectionist tendencies because it made me too careless. But reading this article about shrinking the inner critic will help you cope better Pete Walker, M.A. Psychotherapy

A $100 traffic ticket? I paid $150 for something I didn't do because a crooked cop lied to the judge, I was trying to challenge it, what's worse is I got points on my license which is holding me back from certain employment opportunities that I am interested in. I would like to become peer support specialist but you need a clean driving record.

[Grey Matter]

I am a huge perfectionist. My perfectionism started when I was diagnosed with dyslexia and other learning disabilities as a child. I assumed, at age six, that people thought I was an idiot. So I made sure I did everything perfectly. When I came home with one word wrong on a spelling test my mom had to deal with me sobbing for at least three hours until I exhausted myself and fell asleep.

This followed me all the way to, and through, high school. I made sure I never got bellow a 95% in anything. And if I did, I'd hate myself. I'd self harm. I'd cry, think I am the biggest idiot. I needed everything to be perfect with my grades. When I was admitted to a residential treatment facility out of state for my anxiety/depression, I had many a break down over the fact that I was missing midterms.

I am still a perfectionist. With homework, possible jobs, being heard. I don't know if it's part of my OCD or anxiety disorders, but it's not something I have been able to rid of. Sometimes I think it is a positive thing if done in a healthy way. But, alas.

[HealingNSuffering]

I think its mostly from OCD T.I. my dad is very OCD, I used to have it to but I was diagnosed early and I was treated for it. I no longer qualify for a diagnosis, the thing about OCD is once the compulsions are gone, the anxiety remains. Sorry for hijacking Johnny

[MotownJohnny]

Originally Posted by HealingNSuffering

This perfectionism is familiar to me, my father is the same way, it drives me mad. I will not recommend doing the same thing I did to get rid of my perfectionist tendencies because it made me too careless. But reading this article about shrinking the inner critic will help you cope better Pete Walker, M.A. Psychotherapy

A $100 traffic ticket? I paid $150 for something I didn't do because a crooked cop lied to the judge, I was trying to challenge it, what's worse is I got points on my license which is holding me back from certain employment opportunities that I am interested in. I would like to become peer support specialist but you need a clean driving record.

Really, that seems extreme. I could see if it were drunk driving or reckless driving. But for simple traffic ticket? They do fall off your record in 7 years, I believe. How long ago?

[MotownJohnny]

Originally Posted by Teen Idle

I am a huge perfectionist. My perfectionism started when I was diagnosed with dyslexia and other learning disabilities as a child. I assumed, at age six, that people thought I was an idiot. So I made sure I did everything perfectly. When I came home with one word wrong on a spelling test my mom had to deal with me sobbing for at least three hours until I exhausted myself and fell asleep.

This followed me all the way to, and through, high school. I made sure I never got bellow a 95% in anything. And if I did, I'd hate myself. I'd self harm. I'd cry, think I am the biggest idiot. I needed everything to be perfect with my grades. When I was admitted to a residential treatment facility out of state for my anxiety/depression, I had many a break down over the fact that I was missing midterms.

I am still a perfectionist. With homework, possible jobs, being heard. I don't know if it's part of my OCD or anxiety disorders, but it's not something I have been able to rid of. Sometimes I think it is a positive thing if done in a healthy way. But, alas.

Yeah, I had a perfect GPA in high school. I thought I was "hot stuff" intellectually, I had a big ego. I took too many, too hard classes in my first freshman term. I flunked calculus II, barely squeaked by in Chem and Physics. It was awful for me, I wanted to die, I was so ashamed of it. I got quite depressed. And, of course, paying the bills, my father would have killed me. Somehow, my mother hid the grade report, I don't know how she got away with that. I kind of pulled it together, but the shame of it all haunted me, I changed majors to a field that sucks, flunked one more class, yet somehow did still manage to graduate with honors, barely.

Then, Mr. Perfectionist here went back for a second bachelor's, obsessed, and got a perfect 4.0 GPA. At least this is in my current field, law, but I also effed up that, I had the opportunity and the admission to law school, and passed it up. So, I went back again, got my paralegal certification, and ALMOST had perfect grades. One class I got a 3.8. At least I felt much better about that, the instructor was an arrogant *** who told us the first day that NO ONE gets a perfect grade, as he had only given out three 4.0's in 10 years. So, I knew it was him, not me. Kinda like what I should have felt with dear old dad.

[MotownJohnny]

Originally Posted by HealingNSuffering

I think its mostly from OCD T.I. my dad is very OCD, I used to have it to but I was diagnosed early and I was treated for it. I no longer qualify for a diagnosis, the thing about OCD is once the compulsions are gone, the anxiety remains. Sorry for hijacking Johnny

Not hijacking, I think it's very relevant. And, we're all here for mutual aid, comfort, and support.

Anxiety, my old friend. Always had it on varying levels, it just had a meltdown last year and breached its containment vessel like Chernobyl or Fukushima.

[unaluna]

Hey I think that same cop got me on i696 just before it splits off to 275. I was working crazy overtime and was too delirious to notice that everyone had slowed down but me. A couple guys next to me even tried to signal to me! Only ticket I ever got. Like an idiot I even went to court to fight it so it cost me more than the $100, I worked hourly. I felt like crap for a week. But after I paid it, I probably had other things to feel crappy about. I dont speed anymore though. At. All.!!

[HealingNSuffering]

Originally Posted by MotownJohnny

Really, that seems extreme. I could see if it were drunk driving or reckless driving. But for simple traffic ticket? They do fall off your record in 7 years, I believe. How long ago?

Man I sure hope so, if memory serves me right it wasn't that long ago, maybe 2-3 years ago, I was already suffering from PTSD and extremely sensitive to caffeine, I actually had a panic attack in the court room and I almost **** myself. I was shaking and stuttering to the judge. I have fear of authority figures more than anything.

Originally Posted by MotownJohnny

Not hijacking, I think it's very relevant. And, we're all here for mutual aid, comfort, and support.

Anxiety, my old friend. Always had it on varying levels, it just had a meltdown last year and breached its containment vessel like Chernobyl or Fukushima.

thanks

I had anxiety for my entire life to, same with depression. I know what you mean about the meltdown, unfortunately it happens. That's why its always best to have an emergency plan. Oh uh Fukishima speaking of meltdown what a crisis. I remember at the time I sort of wish that it was going to kill us all... Maybe it is, just really slowly.

[MotownJohnny]

Originally Posted by HealingNSuffering

Man I sure hope so, if memory serves me right it wasn't that long ago, maybe 2-3 years ago, I was already suffering from PTSD and extremely sensitive to caffeine, I actually had a panic attack in the court room and I almost **** myself. I was shaking and stuttering to the judge. I have fear of authority figures more than anything.

thanks

I had anxiety for my entire life to, same with depression. I know what you mean about the meltdown, unfortunately it happens. That's why its always best to have an emergency plan. Oh uh Fukishima speaking of meltdown what a crisis. I remember at the time I sort of wish that it was going to kill us all... Maybe it is, just really slowly.

Well, if the wild caught Pacific salmon glows in dim light, I'd probably pass that up.

Originally Posted by MotownJohnny

One of my big problems, I guess I tried so hard as a kid NOT to do anything to set my father off on a tirade, that I felt I had to be "perfect" in everything. Because any little, random thing could set him off, it was a fool's errand from the get-go. Yet, I still tried. And, I guess the psychology of abuse is also that you want to try to please, in the vain hope it will somehow "change" the abuser into a different person that will love you and not hurt you.

And, of course, that ALL followed me into adulthood and continues to this day. It's a heavy cross to bear, because perfection is a concept, not a tangible thing, and isn't achievable by anyone, really, we may come close, we may have perfect singular achievements, but everyone makes mistakes, numerous mistakes, throughout life. Some make more than others.

Worst, some people feel that a tiny mistake is a "big deal". I do. I'll give you an example. In 1994, the day that OJ murdered his wife and Ron Goldman (not relevant, just that I remember the date for that reason), I was stopped by a cop. For something trivial in the grand scheme of things -- I was pulled over for going 32 in a 25 MPH zone. Penalty, $100 and 2 points on my license. Nothing in the grand scheme. Yet, what did I do, with my M.O. -- I cried about it for a week, obsessed about it for months, tried to come up with every argument why it was unjust and unfair, while simultaneously kicking myself constantly for being careless and stupid. In reality, one thing was it was an extremely young cop - he was kinda over jealous, my dentist lives in the same neighborhood and told me this guy was writing tickets right and left for as little as 3-4 miles over. And people were protesting big time and getting out of them. Did I try - no, I took it, paid it, accepted my fate and told myself I was trash.

For a $100 traffic ticket. As if I had slashed two people to death.

How screwed up is that?

I tend to exaggerate my feelings over situations too. I did a lot of evil things when I was a child that hurt many people emotionally. As I got older, I continued be deceptive and lying left and right until one day was left with nothing. Now that I am 25, I struggle with that. What does that say about me? I feel like scum.

I want to understand more about myself.