Not being able to love Self, unable accept love

There is a song, "Beautiful" by Nick Lachey. It's so sad, being surrounded by possible love, but not being able to believe that you are loved... It's like starving, standing at the wedding feast table. It's like these people are locked in their own mind and no one can reach them.... "How do I get to you"....?
Anyone can relate?

I see,
Looking for yourself tonight.
And I know,
Gonna sell your soul under the lights.
And I hear,
The emptiness that echoes in your cries.
Someday,
I'll pray that you finally realize.

You're beautiful,
That's all that I can say.
Unforgettable,
I'm caught in every way.
Don't every let the mirror tell you lies,
Just look at your reflection through my eyes.
You're beautiful.

It seems,
You always keep one foot outside the door.
So sad,
You gotta all but still you long for more.
And you cry,
So desperate for your place among the stars.
But why,
Just searching for what you already are.

Feeling your stars are drafted away from me,
Back to the empty place you used to be.
How do I get to you,
To you.......

I think that you can't feel loved by others until you love self.

So the question is: why are some of us not able to love self?

What if this is the formula? - "If you see something in others that you don't like and then you see the same thing in your self, then you won't like that in your self either, right?

Think of the behavior with which you would not want to be treated.... then imagine that you yourself are exhibiting that behavior... So if you don't like that behavior in others, then you won't like it in yourself?

If your dad was an alcoholic and you are one too, then you would loathe your behavior like you loathed your dad's, right? (But only if you notice that you're doing the same thing).

Or, if you had a mother who was distant to you (or see one like that on tv) and don't like that behavior towards you (or the character on tv), then if you notice that you're doing the same thing (being distant from your own child), then you won't like your self for this either (just like you didn't like your mother for doing it to you, or at least didn't like that trait)

So if you possibly observe that behavior in yourself, you could say: I am a bad mother (or a bad person).

Or if you don't like to be around someone who is greedy, and then you observe that behavior in yourself, then you could say: oh, I am a bad person because I am greedy (and greedyness is something you don't like in other people and consider it a bad trait).

So, I wonder if this formula works? If anyone with low self esteem (and someone who can't love self and can't feel being loved) could point out exactly what they don't like about themselves and then try to imagine if they would like this trait/actions in another person or not... (if this person had to interact with them in this way)

It's sad, or rather upside down. Some beautiful people (inside and out) don't like themselves and some not so good ones do like themselves. (Of course, who is "good" or "bad" just depends on each person's taste and preferences/likes and dislikes).

Even a murderer could be liked by someone who is just like them. So a murderer would be desirable to a similar type of a person.

So, two things: first, we have to learn somehow that we will be liked and desired by only a certain group of people (those compatible with us).

Second, we can't love self if we notice the same bad behavior in self as we don't like in other people (or if we notice the behavior we would not want imposed on us during interactions).

It may not help in feeling better about yourself, but having some understanding is better than having none at all, I think.


A note about narcissists. Maybe people with low self esteem are the ones who have good empathy skills (and that's why they can relate/compare and observe that their behavior is similar to the behavior in others which they don't like. But some people are born without the ability to emphatize. Maybe some of these are the narcissists. They can't relate their own behavior to those of others. Plus, I think you can only see your own behavior by observing it in others. I think that other people are like our mirror. So people without empathy skills then won't be able to see their own behavior. They also won't be able to compare it to the behavior of others because they don't have empathy skills. So, from their perspective, their behavior must be all good. And why not? It only becomes bad if you can see it through seeing it in others.

Interesting post, KristyGirl7.

I am one of those people who is unable to love myself, and therefore struggle with the daily effects. It is just a deep core feeling that's with me no matter where I go.

The most precious gift we can offer others is our presence

I saw this (above) in your "signature". So I guess you don't believe in this, but are trying to believe in it? Sometimes I may put something like that which I am trying to believe...

I was just thinking about this two days ago and thought: somewhere, somehow, someone may be comforted or fulfilled by my presence. And for a little time I believed it.

It is a big aim in my life, to be there for my daughters as much as possible. I'd also like to be able to be entirely present in my romantic relationship....but that's REALLY tricky!

In short, my signature is a reminder to myself to continue to work at it.

I can relate.............. 100%

I have a new therapist. He gave me a test. I scored extremely high on deprivation. We get wounded along the way. In order to cope the best we can we shut down and become numb.

I can relate to the first part of your post. I am a shy person who has wanted to be brought out for 20 years. No one can see how we can be, so now I rely on the Holy Spirit to bring out the true me, but realize I may not have the relationships that I desire.