[Rapunzel]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
This is related to my pet theory of self-esteem, the sociometer theory. It states that the amount of perceived social acceptance or rejection predicts one’s self-esteem level. People that can accurately read the social environment know where they stand and can make adjustments to gain more social acceptance. However, those who inaccurately perceive more social acceptance and less rejection than is actually present may be prone to narcissism, where those who inaccurately perceive less acceptance and more rejection may be prone to chronic low self-esteem and depression.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">from Will Meeks' entry in the blog today.


I grew up believing that the whole world hated me. I think I was around 19 before I realized that it was pretty grandiose to think that way because I am too insignificant for "the whole world" to care enough to hate me. I've never had any self-esteem as far as I can remember, and that's what is keeping me stuck still. I can't change because I don't have enough self-esteem to look at where I need to change without being overwhelmed with self-hate. It doesn't matter how small it it. I cant accept feedback properly whether it's positive or negative. Negative feedback feeds the self-hate and becomes overwhelming. Positive gets dismissed (at least in my head) because I don't deserve it.

I know that I need to improve my self-esteem and change the way I deal with feedback. I just don't know how. Just acknowledging the need to do that differently doesn't seem to get me anywhere.

Does anyone have any ideas? Have you been here? Has anyone managed to overcome anything like this?

Rap

[lenjan]

Rap, I've been there, and am still there to some degree. What helped me is a therapist and pdoc who believed in me and challenged my negative beliefs while helping me understand why they thought good things about me that I had a hard time seeing for myself. People here have helped with that, too.

That said, I still struggle mightily with believing good things about myself. It doesn't come automatically or naturally, and it's limited to one or two things that I *know* I do well and don't need anyone else to tell me. Even that can be killed in an instant by one misplaced word or thought.

I don't have any great words of wisdom to impart, I guess -- for me it just took time (as in years) and lots and lots of support.

Candy

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((( Rap ))))))))))))))

[Rapunzel]

Candy, I had a therapist who believed in me and challenged my negative beliefs (as much as I presented them - I tend to keep them to myself because i know people get tired of hearing them). I pretended to accept what he said but the whole time I was arguing with it in my head and just digging my heels in more against giving up those beliefs.

My current T has told me that my situation is impossible, and asked me what I'm going to do about it. I said that I have to change the way I deal with feedback and start really listening to it and acting on it. I noted that I do handle feedback when it involves academic or professional stuff. If I didn't, I'd be stuck there too. But she has spent two years trying go get me to apply what I can do as a student to my personal life, and I just keep crying and complaining that it's too hard. So she asked how I'm going to do it, and I'm at a loss for ideas. I really wouldn't blame her one bit for giving up on me. I'm what is commonly referred to as a lost cause.

(((((((Fuzzy))))))))) Thanks for the hugs and for believing in me. I do believe that you believe in me, but then I start wondering if you really knew me, as I am in 3-D, would you still believe in me then? Of course IRL I can disqualify positive feedback because I don't usually show my real thoughts and feelings and what's inside, so they don't really know me either. There is always an argument somewhere. And it doesn't help to keep arguing with everything, but it's so automatic I think it's actually a step forward for me just to know what my arguments even are.

Rap

[biplol]

Rap, reading you and the quote I felt like reading inside myself.
I have no idea yet how to get out of this cicle of low-selfsteem-guilt-failure.
But I know one thing, we are still here, that means, don't give, not just yet.
You are not going thru this by yourself.
I hope one day we can find the peace we desperately need...

[dgmorris]

What a tough subject! I believe one of the keys to self-esteem is to realize that I have potential value even if I don't feel valuable at the moment. A seed may not be very valuable in its present form, but it certainly has potential. The real turning point in my self-esteem was discovering what I valued (honesty, kindness, tolerance, justice), and then living my life in accordance with those values to the best of my ability. If my behavior matches my values, how could I not value myself? The farther my behavior deviates from my values, the less I will value myself. I told myself for years that I valued good health, but my behavior didn't match that value. When I started TRYING to take better care of myself, my self-esteem increased. Trying is the key. None of us are perfect, but we can try.

[Perna]

One thing I try to remember (because I spent 20+ years in therapy on account of it?) is that the inside of my head may or may not have anything to do with "reality" and I have to check reality, ask other people what they think, not just assume I know or can tell. I can't read other people's minds but I keep forgetting that

Even when I think I know the truth, still have to check it out, even if it's about something I don't want to know, something that hurts. "Are you angry at me?" or "Are you looking unhappy because of something I said or did?" has to be asked (even though it also brings the dismaying, "It's not about you!" response. Over time I've learned to ask things a bit more precisely "Are you looking pained because I screamed?" (I'm deaf in one ear so I'm often too "loud" for my husband's taste and he doesn't like it when I scream because I've dropped a knife while working in the kitchen and I'm barefooted -- the scream hurts his ears/startles him :-)

But I still have trouble remembering to check out what the other person is thinking or to challenge what I'm thinking. I do have good results with my esteem when I check and what I think "matches" what the other person responds. It may even be "bad" news but at least I'm "on track."

[Rapunzel]

I just want to say thanks for now for the support and ideas, and let you guys know that I'll be off the computer most of the day tomorrow. I'm going to see T f2f, which is an all-day trip for me. At one point she was going to terminate me at this session, but she hasn't said that since I started 'getting' some of what I hadn't been before. I'm really scared though, and started dissociating early. I went to the health food store after work today, and on the way home from there I was a little anxious to get home and see what I had bought because I couldn't remember, so I was looking forward to the surprise. Tomorrow should be interesting. Right now I need to get to bed.

Rap