[nikkiwlks]

I'm not an unattractive person, I mean, I can say that but believing it is a whole other thing. I've dealt with eating disorders and deal daily with feeling very unpretty and no faith in myself. How do I feel better about me? I want to be able to initiate sex without the fear of rejection, I want to go out with confidence, I want to look in the mirror and find something I like about me.

[manwithnofriends]

surely all you have to do is be more involved in some way with other people?

(as for sex, that has to be consensual, and to get consent you need to really know your other half well - that in itself takes a lot of dedication)

[Jan1212]

Can you make a chart of 'problem', 'intervention/solution', 'outcome'?
For exmaple, "I feel unattractive", "do my hair, wear my favorite sweater, take a brisk walk", "I feel a little better about myself" or "no change"

[weelass47]

Jan1212...I LOVE the idea about a chart. Pretty simple and looks like it could be helpful in determining what is at the cause of this behavior. I have struggled with self-esteem issues for over 40 yrs. It keeps me from social events, family & friends. Gives me an image of not caring or not friendly. This is NOT me at all. So very hard to change.

Thanks so much for sharing!!

I feel exactly like you do, OP. No matter what I do, I just don't feel good enough. Good enough for what exactly, I do not know. But I feel like I am going to be rejected. Anytime I find something I like about me, I end up finding fifty other things that I don't like about me. I too would love to have more confidence and just be happy with what I have.

Good luck to everyone!

[vans1974]

Originally Posted by nikkiwlks

I'm not an unattractive person, I mean, I can say that but believing it is a whole other thing. I've dealt with eating disorders and deal daily with feeling very unpretty and no faith in myself. How do I feel better about me? I want to be able to initiate sex without the fear of rejection, I want to go out with confidence, I want to look in the mirror and find something I like about me.

Sorry to hear!! For me, self-esteem equals self-confidence! So, I find developing and improving myself in all aspects, mentally, academically, spiritually, physically, socially, financially, etc., increases my self-esteem which then increases my self-confidence or self-assurance! Hope that helps a bit, and best of luck!!

[StrongerMan]

I've recently discovered the base root of my self esteem issues and it is SHAME. No matter what I do externally, I will never heal until I can overcome my deep-seated feeling of inadequacy that was instilled by an alcoholic father and codependent mother. I was raised under a cloud of anger, fear and identity crushing criticism. I have always avoided situations which risk my being judged and rejected. Sadly, in life, that is the only way to build the relationships that bring success, self confidence and happiness. I am infected with a shame virus. Before it only sickened me. Now it is killing me.

[Chloepatra]

StrongerMan... 'it' may feel like it's killing you...but, trust me... the bottom is GOOD...once reached, you can finally see your way UP ~

I, too, know the core cause of my low self-esteem... childhood/parental issues groomed me to not value myself...so, I became a people-pleaser and perfectionistic at it...it almost killed me...then, I still had to hit bottom emotionally while still doing 'it', even after entering therapy and thinking I would be ok 'with myself'...

Shame was still there...SO MUCH SHAME...it felt hopeless...I felt worthless...thank God I promised myself about 5 years ago to never, ever, give up on myself...even after that, I had to hit that 'true bottom,' but...things are improving...

I have gotten enough help now to know I CAN FULLY forgive myself for all of my non-self-valuing choices I made along the way, because I simply could not have done otherwise...
to me, this is part of my releasing my shame...it is part of claiming the unconditional love for my core self I never received as a child...

I see how things 'simply' could not have been any different for me and how I needed to suffer to be able to come to this place I am now in/at...one of choosing to make the best of the rest of my life...and to consciously begin to work at raising my self-esteem step by step...and to release my parents, FULLY, because they were who they were...

I now see that they did not have the strength to move as far into self-love (real self-love vs. narcissism) as I know I have in me now...it is slow going, but I am determined to keep making progress.

Grateful for all of the shares here...for there even being a self-esteem forum...I found/joined this site just yesterday... there is such healing power in all of us coming together... we are guiding lights to one another... simply because we chose to be here. Thank you everyone!

[kala83]

I have been for the most part a lot like you for years, its played big parts in me having eating disorders and really bad social anxiety that I am starting to get over. But it defiantly still exists in my life.

I guess my low self esteem is that when I do things poorly like treat close friends of mine rudely or struggle with managing my anger in better ways and it ends up hurting someone's feelings.

I feel like **** for it, so much so that I just feel its ok to hate myself....and at often times I do.

I have been told that I am a selfish person but my thought process is entirely that I worry far more about other people.

but some how some of my friends don't even notice that about me.
A lot of people know I have a very caring loving mom that does a lot for me and pretty much takes care of everything finically for right now for me. Now I did just get a new job perspective so hopefully some of this will change.

But the fact of the matter is yes I am a spoiled Fing brat and I hate it! I have asked numerous times for my mom to stop spending money on me, to try to find ways of making me fend for myself I almost to some degree wish she would throw me out of her house so it would give me a big enough boost to go out there and live a more normal like life.

No really knows or I think fully gets also that the major source of my depression, that kicked in and that sent to a psych ward. Was really from the fact of that I was trying to juggle going to school, finding a job, have a social life and maybe possibly dating life.

and all my family had asked me to do was to go to school and do well at it. But I couldn't....it bothered me far to much to be in school and living in an apartment that yes I paid the bills for but the bills were really being paid by my mother, cause the credit cards are all hers. She paid rent, phone bill, electric, gas, internet, my care insurance, the gas that went into my car and any emergency or doctor visits, as well as any and most all food I ate.

I felt horrid that I was the age I was and I was still living pretty much off my mother. And I notice that I am just fairly dependant on other people in general.

so I feel like I have a dependent personality disorder. Which I really need to break out of

so I guess this all might causes as to my own personal low self esteem.