A Different Road

I have been living with severe PTSD & debilitating Depression for 25 years. My illness stemmed from ‘Torture trauma’ (details withheld at this stage). I too have been in and out of therapy, on umpteen different medications, ostracised by family, friends and colleagues, and shunned by society in the search for an answer, just an inkling of how to get myself ‘well’. 14 months ago I said ….ENOUGH!….I mean, really, what’s the point of living a ‘quarter life’. A life with constraints put in place by all those that said throughout those 25 years ‘To hell with you, you’re not one of us’. All those lost years of being afraid to live my life because I was told over and over that I didn’t fit in, that I was damaged and therefore not quite good enough.

I have been a draftsman for a lot of my adult life (albeit off and on). Whenever I would make a big error on hand drawn schematics it was always easier to start again rather than make amendments to a messy drawing……So I have now done the same thing with the old damaged, broken, messy me….Thrown her in the trash, and started again.

I changed my name, moved to a different State and chose to be different, chose to be the me I want to be. Not better, not worse, just different. It’s not easy, but nothing worthwhile is. It’s not the solution for everyone, and I totally get that. But I handed myself over to so called professionals and well meaning family members for a quarter of a century, and it didn’t do a damn bit of good. So this has to be better than the hell I was living. I don’t necessarily choose happy as that’s a concept I’m yet to become familiar with……..I choose life. Q.L

I didn't change my name but I started over 5000 miles away about 25 yrs ago. Not sure it is the place I want to be forever but I am better for it. You are very courageous. I won't lie. There will be rough times. I do support you and wish you all the best

Thanks Michanne. As I said....not for everyone, but it's a liberating experience not feeling the need to drag around all that emotional baggage. One day....soon I hope, the trauma I endured will no longer be the thing that defines me, but something that simply 'happened' to who I used to be. To one mighty titan to another......all the best with your quest. Q.L

I often feel I need to make a new start as well. Being near my family has kept me stuck in my dysfunctional family role of the lost child. I have 4 older sisters, 3 of whom are much older. It's not their fault, they don't do it on purpose. It simply is what it is. But it really hinders my recovery from being shame-based and learning to truly live instead of merely existing. The other side of it is my parents are elderly and don't have many years left. I can't imagine leaving the area and abandoning them when they most need the help from their children. I have one sister who moved to Europe over 10 years ago. My mom often laments how she doesn't think it's fair for her to only see her granddaughter once or twice a year. I admit I do hold some resentment against my sister for that. She is closest in age to me (3 years older) and also "checked out" emotionally and physically in her early teens from the chaos of my dad's alcoholism. I guess I felt abandoned back then too when I needed my big sister and she was away most of the time drinking and drugging with her friends. I was left as the only child to stand up to an angry, drunk monster who bullied my mom. 30 years later, I still very much feel like that boy caught in no man's land.