How can I despise myself less?

The few friends I have seem to think I'm great, but I don't see that at all anymore. I'm usually pretty confident but these days it's not going so well anymore. As it turns out, I take so long to grasp concepts that I have to download instructors' powerpoints and comb through them for hours after class and over the weekend before I understand or remember anything. I have decent grades I guess, but all my dad ever has to say to me is more complaints about how crappy I'm doing in school. I work as hard as I can without my brain exploding, and still I draw blanks during tests when I really ought to remember something really simple. During the AP test for history my entire memory of Latin American history just disappeared. 90 dollars down the drain and my dad is pissed...

I always feel like I have to save people, which is stupid, but when somebody I know and care about kills themselves or dies any other way really, I just can't help feeling guilty and beating myself up over it. I make all these stupid stupid mistakes and screw everything up time and time again. My parents were talking about that and my mom said "That's what you are, a screw up." I guess I always thought that. I always hated myself for how disappointing everything that I do is. It seems like left and right I'm letting down everyone who trusts me. No matter how hard I work at anything my dad never trusts me to get stuff done on my own, and I guess there's got to be a reason for that. I've screwed up so many things already this year, it's just terrible... And no matter how I look at myself, I can never be proud of myself or like myself anymore. I haven't done anything to be proud of. There's nothing to like about me.

On Friday a girl said we should go out sometime, and I thought she was asking me out, but I guess she wasn't because when I told her I always had kind of a crush on her she said "I hope you're joking," and left... Then on Monday I picked this really cool flower and gave it to this other girl and she called me a creep. I complement people and they call me creepy. I try to have friends and they just treat me like crap and use me until they're done and leave me. There's really no reason I should get to be with anyone anyway, I guess. People have never really liked me, and now I'm starting to see why, and I hate what I see. I want to end it. I don't see how somebody like me could ever have a meaningful life. I've never given up but now seems like a great time to let go...

Okay, for one the way your parents are acting is downright despicable. I suppose they both were 4.0 completely through getting their doctorate's degrees? It's easy for people to tear someone down to their level. Maybe they need to step up?

Second ... yeah. Girls in college. I had one that I got to know that called me her, "Poetry buddy" and would catch me on campus and put her arm in mine and talk about stuff. So one day I asked her out and she physically stepped back from me. I wish I could give better advice, but women are at best confusing if not enraging.

Whenever I bring up the fact that I'm trying really really hard they dismiss it cause they're not seeing any results. I'm not sure how to confront them anymore.

That is just crazy. I would have asked her out too, it just makes sense. This is confusing. >-<

Thank you for this.

This is probably one of the hardest things I've ever seen and I honestly have no idea how to ever approach it, but we as children will always strive to get that pride from our parents. No matter how offensive or downright abusive they may get, we'll always want their approval.

I would like to say to blow them off and do your thing, but I know that's not possible. Are you seeing a therapist? They might help you talk though these things and maybe offer better advice than I can.

Oh, and college women. Just do your thing. You've got a path you're on and if someone comes along that's on the same path, then that's great, if not, don't stress it. You'll cross paths with many of them, but it may be years before you stumble onto someone that you can finish that life journey with.

I always feel like I have to impress everyone. I don't know why, I hate being in the spotlight, but it's all about other people's approval, I guess...

I'm seeing like three therapists...they love my parents. We tried doing family therapy with these issues in particular but my parents seem to think they're doing something right. I guess we'll just see where this goes. It's not too bad, really...I just need my own place...

Okay. That's the first reasonable relationship advice I've ever heard. Whoa. Thank you.