[winterglen]

I'll never have the life I want. I don't even want to try anymore because it feels like too much work.

In order to be happy, I have to get employed full time while working on my best-selling novel. I'll have to spend every waking second looking for jobs and networking and following up on every opportunity until I find a job.

I have to socialize more and have a group of friends like on TV and have a rich and exciting life so I'll have plenty of first-hand experiences to write about.

I have to be the perfect friend and be prepared every second of the day to be the perfect friend who never does anything wrong, and who always says and does the exact right thing at the exact right time, and never embarrasses herself or causes others to look at her like she's a freak. I should probably date, even though I'll never want to get married or have a family because then I'll have to devote all my time into showing interest in them so they won't see how needy and self-absorbed I am. I don't see how I could connect with anyone.

I have to learn to eat fewer calories and sleep much less and get contacts and be sure my hair and makeup is touched up perfectly so I never look stupid. I'll have to submit to painful waxing sessions and other painful procedures even though I can't stand pain, but I should be willing to sacrifice a little discomfort to be successful, right?

And I have to write the best novel ever: one that everyone will love and remember for the rest of their lives. I have to show all the people in the world that I am worthy enough for them.

I have to do all this and I have to do it much better than all the millions of overachievers out there who automatically know how to do the perfect thing all the time without even having to try too hard. Not only do I have to do something worthy for others, I have to devote every second to pretending my head isn't filled with selfish, greedy, disgusting, and resentful thoughts.

I know how selfish I sound writing this. I wish being a good productive member of the human race were as easy for me as it is for the overachievers, but it's not. It's impossibly, exhaustingly hard.

It's easier just to give up on my dreams of having a wonderful life. It's easier just to admit that I'm a failure and stay home and watch TV. If only I were younger or smarter or more likable. If only I had the energy to do something good. If only I could be like those perfect, mature mini-adult kids in books who do everything well all by themselves. If only I realized I should have started taking my life more seriously at a much younger age.

[-jimi-]

I also want to write the novel everyone remembers. Not a people pleasing one, but a really good one. Something special.

Expressions of your inner self are important.

The rest you will always displease someone. Anyway you look, anyway you act, will ALWAYS displease someone. What pleases someone will displease someone else. Because of that, it is more important to please yourself in those matters.

I too should have started earlier, but then again I think I am much older than you. But I still have the time. I hope at least.

I also toy with the idea of giving up. Just slacking seems so much easier (and other people think I'm just a slacker anyway despite my daily struggles). But don't. The perfect life.... you cannot have. What matters, you can have. You just have to focus your energy on it. You are probably pretty and a good friend, so don't worry about those. If you want to be creative, you must focus your energy on that. Because you only have the energy of one person.

I know you are very intelligent and talented. Forget about the shell. Focus on depth.

[Frankbtl]

Hi winterglen, WOW you're putting so many expectations on the way you think/feel you "should" be!! I'm not surprised they're bringing you down, that can be a tough act for anyone to accomplish let alone if you're struggling in general.
And I know you've probably heard this before, but if someone did have all those things you're wanting of/for yourself they wouldn't necessarily make them "happy". In fact some people doing all that/with all that can still be severely depressed.
So let's put you first in all of this, OK? Forget about the "should"'s. Sometimes it can be the "smallest/tiniest" things that can be most meaningful, most significant, mean the most!!
And maybe start by pulling apart what is special about you, and there will be things if you really look!! They can be achievements (however small!!), aspects of your personality, even small things you've done for others (and even small things can mean so much!!)..............
And as for goals, well they are a good thing to have, just maybe slow down a bit there though??
Some goals you might want to reduce a bit, some you might want to think about practical steps to get there (and some might take a lot of steps and a lot of time, but that's OK), and for some goals you might want to change them to something "a bit more personal"/achievable/fulfilling to you.
But still there are quite a lot of goals there!! Perhaps start by focusing on just one or two first??
And I've got to say with: "I have to be the perfect friend and be prepared every second of the day to be the perfect friend who never does anything wrong, and who always says and does the exact right thing at the exact right time...............", and a couple of other things you've said, if you start thinking that way/doing that then you are going to wind up trying to live your life mainly for others, losing yourself, and that really isn't fair on you at all!! You need to be yourself, and to have others value and respect you for who you are too. As well as give you support when you need that!! You matter just as much as anyone else.
Alison