[anaida]

Please do have a litttle patience and hear me out. I've tried everything to shake off this feeling and can't. So this is my last resort before I am forced to seek counselling. And do try not to laugh.

My problem is, I'm overly, and I mean EXTREMELY image-conscious. I'm obsessed with how other people view me in certain areas where I hold myself in high regard, namely in debates, knowledge on history and politics, intelligence, etc. If somebody (who is equally or more knowledgeable in similar fields and articulate) seems to blast my views as "stupid" and calls me "ignorant" in the aforementioned subjects, I get an emotional crisis. Having grown up with maladaptive daydreaming disorder and OCD, I've had to deal with a lot of harsh criticism, especially from my mother. There was a stage of life where I'd taken feeling inferior as my destiny and was resigned to it. I fortunately overcame this state of mind once I became an adult, but with a great deal of trying on my part. I was sensitive to the word "crazy" for a long time, having been addressed by that word informally whilst being criticised for my disorder. Gradually I came out of my insecurities with a change of environment and peers (once I went to college), and now am a secure individual. Well, almost.

What still lingers on from my past is, however, a very fragile self-esteem that surfaces in the aforementioned areas. I was praised as an intelligent student by my professors and peers at college, my friends and acquaintances generally regard me as an intellectual on certain subjects, and debating on various issues (online and in real) are one of my favourite hobbies. It gives me immense joy, along with increasing my knowledge about the world. But it is also the place where I'm prone to emotional crises the most. I don't mind heated disagreements as long as they are on point and logical rebuttals, but if somebody makes a snide comment on my "intelligence" or implies that I don't know what I'm talking about (when I know I do, and I'm not boasting), I completely lose it and try to analyse and end up over-thinking on why they might have said so, what was it that caused them to think that way. My mind does not rest until I've found a plausible explanation that satisfies my ego and "assures" me of my intelligence.

Recently, this has aggravated a lot. I've had debates with various people in a row on similar subjects, and ended up disagreeing with all of them. They all did the above (calling me snide names, telling me I don't know stuff). I was hurt, but managed to ignore them since all of them came from a certain political opinion. But what really got me down was a Facebook acquaintance of mine who unfriended me over a very trivial debate that we had merely disagreed on. Not even argued, just disagreed. This guy who I talk of, is a very open-minded and empathetic person who did not resort to illogical labelling and name-calling like the others on disagreement. We've had loads of stimulating discussions on various subjects across the board, and agreed upon most subjects. But on this one issue, he felt I was "arguing for arguing's sake" and unfriended me. THIS was what gave a huge jolt to my ego or self-esteem. Like I said, there was this series of disagreements with people, and now the final blow came from somebody as balanced and rational as this guy.

The thing I can't shake off from my thoughts is : Were those people correct about me? Am I indeed ignorant and an idiot? I know deep within that I'm not, but so many people's and especially the last one's perception of me is causing me emotional distress.

Please advice me on what I could do to break the cycle of this thought. Thanks.

[glok]

Hello, anaida.

15 Common Cognitive Distortions | Psych Central
Fixing Cognitive Distortions | Psych Central
Challenging Negative Self-Talk | Psych Central
Negative Self Talk: Top 10 Things NOT to Say to Yourself | NLP Discoveries
The Path to Unconditional Self-Acceptance
Dare to Be Yourself

I wish you well.

Hello anaida, it sounds like you're putting yourself through a rough time. I can't say I've had the same experiences as you, but I know I used to rely on my social image in order to feel secure with myself. I still do somewhat and it's hard to get over. Growing up with a parent that puts you down can make you feel like there's always something wrong with you even if there isn't. With your self image weakened by your mom and others who didn't understand your OCD and maladaptive daydreaming disorder, you may have had to compensate for your image and feelings in other ways. It sounds like you feel the need to be really smart in what you are interested in so that you can prove to yourself your worth. Although it seems like you love history and studying in general, I think it should be a love only, and not something to hold up your self-esteem on its own.

There may be many reasons why your FB friend got angry. I can think of a few. He may have taken your words more aggressively than they were intended because it's hard to convey emotions over the internet. That can be more likely if it was a subject he was sensitive about. He may also not realize you didn't mean anything personal by talking about your point of view. I can relate to that, because I love nonaggressive discussions of disagreements about subjects I'm interested in. It's a good way to learn about different viewpoints and getting to the heart of the subject itself. Another reason is that he just may not have been so rational about everything, and this was one of those things. Or he had been silently building up frustrations from other disagreements in the past that he didn't let show. However, it's impossible for me to know, of course. It's just something that comes to mind. Nothing was your fault if you didn't mean it, and especially if you used nonaggressive language.

About people who just have been belittling your opinion and knowledge lately, I'm very sorry to hear that . It can be the worst sometimes when everyone's disagreeing, especially if they're in a "group" of a certain type of thought that they feel the need to be totally loyal to. That could get anyone down.

[anaida]

Breezy Day, you spoke my mind. Some of your sentences like, " It sounds like
you feel the need to be really smart in what you
are interested in so that you can prove to
yourself your worth"-- are SO BANG ON target! You are correct, I use my outer image and knowledge as the basis for self-esteem reinforcement. Its a curse.

Its not like I'm afraid if stating unpopular or controversial viewpoints. I'm okay with everybody disagreeing as long as they're being rational, (and there are a lot of forums which are pretty open-mindes towards diverse viewpoints and don't jump on anybody that dares to be different) but there are certain places like Facebook groups where people have more of a herd mentality and are quick to resort to bullying. Its really tough to get over that, makes you feel like absolute shite. :'(

I'm so tired of this.

[unaluna]

It sounds like you feel or believe that if you lose a debate with a friend or acquaintance, you also lose the old fight with your mother; if you win a debate, you prove your mother wrong. Perhaps that is why it felt to that gentleman that you were arguing for arguing's sake - you have a hidden agenda of which he was completely unaware. You are are of it only in that it drives you to win the argument. What you say about being logical - i relate to myself, i did so often myself, for much the same reason. I am sure you are very smart - but for me it was a relief the day i found there were some women at my job who i could trust to run a meeting and ask the same questions that i would ask - then i could sit back and relax. We still had to make sure others in the meeting understood what we wanted, but i did not have to lead. I could appreciate them, i didnt have to fight them.