I have always had low self steam , insecure , shy and so on ..

I really do not know how to fix this problem because I deal with voices in my head that tell me negative things all the time .

It's like a dark cloud over me and when it dose go away it comes back and reminds me that I am not good .

I don't feel comfortable when I hear compliment , matter of fact I hate it because it just reminds me of how much of a loser I am .

I have never had a desire to do anything in life , I just feel dead inside .
I get so angry because I feel my life is a road block and whenever I do try to do something it's like climbing a hill and I fall back down .

I had big plan when I moved a year ago
1 - Make friends
I made a few friends but it didn't work out

2 - Find a job
No one wants to hire a 45 year old woman who only finished HS and has not worked in 19 years . I am very limited to what I ca do

So so far my plans failed so much for write down what you want and it will come true if anything my life this past year has been down hill real fast .

Anyways .. I just needed to write this down

[CANDC]

Hi nature. Everyone has times when they want to vent.

Please keep in touch with PC.

Really like the quote under the eye

“The eye through which I see God is the same eye through which God sees me; my eye and God's eye are one eye, one seeing, one knowing, one love.”
― Sermons of Meister Eckhart

Same goes for the heart!

You know I love hearing story's about someone who had a dream and they did it that is what I want .

Like Madonna she said in a interview she always wanted to be a star when she left home with just 100 bucks and went to NY that was her drive and now she is a huge star . Her dream came true

Why is it that not everyone has a drive I mean God has a calling for all of us so why would he give only some
people that calling .

I never had a calling and I am still waiting for it

[Frankbtl]

Hi Nature, I don't think you failed at your plans at all!! I just think you haven't managed them YET!!! Although you did make some friends so good on you, shows you've got something really/seriously going for you!!! Just that you haven't found longer term friends YET, hey?

And you know, maybe you were being a bit tough on yourself, throwing those plans at yourself?? Certainly not easy plans for plenty of people, regardless. So maybe if you broke some of your plans down into smaller steps??? For example instead of "I'll make friends" perhaps start with "I'll find places to go where I can meet more people", then plan "I'll start talking to those people a bit more"...........and on it goes.........
But I'll tell you, by having managed to make shorter term friends that already puts you on the road in being able to gradually find people who are going to be real friends/longer term friends. So well done!!!!! How can you be a loser????!!!!!

With the job..........maybe start with some voluntary work??? Might help with your self esteem and something for your CV as well. It can take time to find a job, but in the meantime you might have the voluntary work to help you feel a little better about yourself????

And maybe with your dislike of compliments...........perhaps start by you seeing the good things about/in yourself............so if you can start to see/believe some of them it might be easier to accept that other people see/believe those things too??? And believe me, there will be some good things about yourself!!!

The road block you're at........I don't know whether you might want to start thinking of different things you could see as achievements.........both in your past and in where you'd like to go????
Different dreams, different things that you might be able to recognise value, meaningfulness, fulfillment in???? (Unless of course it's more a fact of working on the self esteem, insecurities that might help you in where you currently want to go???).
But what I'm meaning by that is.........re: Madonna...........for me regardless of Madonna's achievements there are people on here (not famous!!) that I can respect and admire way over and above Madonna........so sometimes a matter of perspective when you're looking at achievements or value, hey??

And just for starters in your life so far you've moved (to somewhere less familiar??), must have thrown up challenges especially with some of the things you've been struggling with..........but a year on you're still holding it together, still hanging tough, and you're even reaching out for support on here to help you improve things for yourself!!! Now that's going some, right??!!!!



Alison

Yes your right about everything , and I am glad I am able to express my feelings so that I do get another persons point of view .

Thank You