[Mefisto]

It seems like every thing that should raise my self-esteem does the opposite effect. Sports, work, studies, social relations - i fail every thing. If i try to do something productive for my self-esteem - i fail and my self-hatred intensifies. I have very little progress with my sports training and i always compare myself to other males, which results in extreme self-loathing and thinking that im genetic failure and much more weaker than average male. I try to search for new job and realize that im worthless in job market and with my empty resume i wont find anything worthwhile ever, and i stuck in my dead-end stupid office job forever. I struggle so hard to write my diploma, which looks more stupid with each page i write - its all so boring and dumb despite the interesting topic i chose and i think i will not be able to finish it in time, i have to write 45 pages in 1 months and 2 weeks, it feels like impossible task and i hate myself for being so useless in study field. Girls, with whom i try to build social relations, keep rejecting me over and over again, i hate myself more after each rejection. If i choose to not doing anything at all and lying in procrastination - my self-hatred intensifies because i feel like i should do something.
Also, i have huge problem with memories that always haunting my mind about dozens of my failures that remind me what a trash person i am. Almost everyday i see things that work like triggers for memories of my former best-friend, who stole my ex-girlfriend. I dont think that memory of that event will ever stop affecting my self-esteem.
So, am i doomed to hate myself for the rest of my life? I dont want to, but it feels like it.

I'm sorry you are struggling right now. I wish I had advice or words, but I don't at the moment, but I wanted to let you know that I did read and I'm reaching out giving virtual hugs ((hugs))

[Ruftin]

Depression likes to trick us into thinking sideways. You say you fail at everything, but you successfully wrote this post. You successfully communicated your feelings. Self hate...well I've been told is depression turned inwards. Your thinking is in need of a tune up.

You are not useless in the job market as you have a job. Many people are having a lot of trouble finding jobs in this day and age.

Your studies...well that is tough. You just have to keep at it. It is not easy for anyone unless you happen to be gifted with an eidetic memory. What I wouldn't pay for one of those!!

Didn't you just mention an ex girlfriend??? You've got what it takes. You've got her, even if she's an ex now.

I know you feel like everything is burning right now, but depression comes and goes in waves, so try and ride it out. If you feel it's hanging around too much, a visit with your p-doc may be needed. Knock depression in it's you know what and let it know you are the boss!!!! Best wishes !!

[DarrenPH]

I've been where you are now, it was a long time ago but I know there is light at the end of the tunnel for you.

Success and failure are relative terms, they mean different things to different people. What I now see as a success I once saw as failure. Right now you're in a place where all you see is failure. It doesn't matter what you do to try and build self esteem you'll always notice the things where you're not perfect and interpret them as failures.

You need to break this pattern. Try this;

Everyday for the next month write down five successes that you've had during the day, your first reactive will be...impossible, but if you could do it how would you do it?

Do this everyday for thirty days and you'll set yourself on the right road to overcoming you're low self esteem