I've been avoiding university lectures for almost a year now. Next month, I really definitely should attend some lessons, and I thought I'd share here what it is that I'm scared of at the moment..

I suffer from Irritable Bowel Syndrome and am completely paranoid about, for instance, smelling bad.. This is completely humiliating Anyway, now I'm worried that on the train or in lectures where I won't be able to 'escape' and have to sit close to other people, I'll smell bad and see disgust on someone-sitting-near-me's face.. That they'll seem offended.

Now, I don't care what people think - if they can't accept me for who I am (especially for something I have no control over and can't do anything about - an illness!! - and that's a million times worse for me than it ever could be for anyone else) - they can go F themselves! I'm bloody sick of trying to please people and always getting it wrong..

What I'm worried about is taking that look/possible whispering or some such thing as the Truth - that yes, indeed, I am disgusting, shouldn't be mingling with the 'normal' folk.. Something like that.

Fearing this, that I'll abandon myself, I've been avoiding such scary situations my whole life, basically, for whatever has been my problem at any given time.. You can imagine what an empty life it has been. I wonder how I could convince myself that I am, in fact, worthy no matter what - even if I grew a third arm out of my head or something and people laughed, I'd like to just be able to be there and not have their laughing affect me - accept myself so completely that I don't have to disappear just because someone else wants me to! I wonder how you achieve that..

One of the biggest steps I have found to completely accepting yourself is realizing that there are things you cannot change. I came closer to accepting myself when I came to terms with having Bipolar Disorder. I sued to be extremely paranoid that people would think I am crazy if they knew and now, I have accepted it as a part of me and actually feel a bit better because of it. Accepting what you cannot change will go places.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts, ChaoticInsanity! That sounds like a good approach.. I'd imagine it will turn my focus to 'what can I do' instead of the impossible situation where I'm denying I have a problem.. That's just flat out wrong, incorrect! Denial won't get me anywhere.. And why should I even deny it? It's not like I have to be ashamed of the fact that I'm ill!

[Frankbtl]

Hi d.o.a. I'd say that you have some amazing insight there (and in some of your past posts!!!) :
"Now, I don't care what people think - if they can't accept me for who I am (especially for something I have no control over and can't do anything about - an illness!! - and that's a million times worse for me than it ever could be for anyone else) - they can go F themselves! I'm bloody sick of trying to please people............"
"I am, in fact, worthy no matter what - even if I grew a third arm out of my head or something and people laughed".
So do you think some of it is about having the confidence to apply some of that in imagined or real situations???
Now you've got some great "go to" passages in your (own!!) posts, threads like the above, for inspiration (and believe me, lots of us can back those up, bigtime!!)........so do you think you could write those ones down for yourself/list them off..........and try to focus on that/their actual reality???
You have clearly got it in you to work through this........respect!!! And naturally you've still got our support too!!
But of course it's going to be hard, remembering that "mindset" when you're actually in situations.........and don't fault yourself if you slip, if you feel vulnerable, that's OK You can keep going, keep working on that.
Seriously there is so much more to you than an illness.........it shouldn't define you to anybody/anybody that matters/anybody who is going to matter..........just try to allow the rest of you to shine, hey??
And people have stood in the way of your dreams for long enough, right??!! People who have no right to do that..........so time to take back that power?? You seriously deserve it!!!!

Alison