[creatingself]

In the class, I feel like I am just spoken to when I am right there and otherwise I am not an integral part of a circle, people don't think about me when they are making any plans or when they want to take part in some competitions etc. I am always either taken as a second/third/fourth/etc choice if at all and that is only when I ask for it. I feel like such a third wheel. What should I do? I feel like I am not a part of any group. I'm a part but I'm just there. I'm not important and I know it's stupid but you like it when people include you in their plans themselves right? I feel like I'm negligible and nobody would really notice or care if I disappeared. Really pulls down my self-esteem.

[Skeezyks]

Hello creatingself: I'm sorry you're having this difficulty. Yes, many years ago when I was in school I had a similar problem. I never seemed to fit in anywhere &, not only did no one much seem to care if I was around, I think that in allot of cases they would have preferred it if I had not been! I don't know why or how this happens. One thing I do know about myself is that I never was, & still am not, a "joiner". I don't get involved in anything. In fact, my tendency is always to avoid people as much as possible. Perhaps if I had gotten involved with activities in school, it would have gone better. So, I wonder if this might be helpful for you. Do you belong to any clubs at school? Are you involved in sports? If you can find some things such as this that you enjoy, then perhaps the fact that you seem to not be included so often will not feel so bad & you will actually begin to be more recognized.

I've been reading a book recently titled: The Practice of Lojong: Cultivating Compassion Through Training the Mind by Traleg Kyabgon. (Lojong is a Tibetan Buddhist practice.) Anyway, in the book, Kyabgon writes that we cannot control what other people say or do. However we can have complete control over how we respond to it. You may or may not be able to change the way your classmates treat you. But you can have complete control over how you respond by focusing on what you want to be doing & where you are going in your life. Even if there is nothing you can do to change how your classmates treat you, once you graduate, you will meet new people & have the opportunity to choose the people you hang out with. And it is these friends who will value & support you in your life.

My best wishes to you!

[seeminglyreal]

I used to be the same throughout my entire first year of college. I'd always had very low self esteem, so I acted like no one wanted me around, because it's all I'd ever known. On my first group project, a group asked me to do the project with them and for some reason I felt so humiliated. I thought they only invited me because they felt sorry for me. I even asked the professor if I could do the project on my own because I didn't feel comfortable with my group. She went as far as calling each member of the group for a meeting and asked them if they were okay with having me on their group, and told them that I'd asked her to do the project on my own. Long story short: I did the project with them and we ended up becoming friends. A couple months later, we had already grown kind of close, so I told them how I felt in the beginning, that i didn't feel welcome on their group, or anywhere for that matter. And they told me something that I never forgot. They said that they always wanted me around, but that I intimidated them because I always seemed so serious and closed off.

TL;DR: maybe your classmates are only intimidated by you. Maybe you're too serious or look like you don't want to be approached. They might fear being rejected just as much as you.

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