I want someone to abuse me

" Part of it is bias: my mom has bipolar II and I've witnessed her severe depressive episodes since childhood. The reasoning pretty much went that since my symptoms weren't like hers, I was fine. I've been accused of faking and exaggerating to get attention, of enmeshing (I recall being told to "grow up and stop imitating Mommy like a little kid", assuming that my behavior was merely imitating my mother's symptoms). Talking about it was out of the question. I'd be blown off, laughed at, or basically told my feelings were correct - as in "Yes, you are ugly, stupid, worthless, useless, you're absolutely right."

This is a huge contributing factor to what you are feeling IMO.

My aunt had mysterious health issues doctors couldn't diagnose. She found it helped to control her diet by eliminating many foods. Her daughter became vegan and claimed to have the same diet issues, but nobody believed her, thought she was just taking on her mother's illness for attention. We're still not sure of the diagnosis for my aunt, but diet helps. I find this similar to your situation in that your mother's illness affected you, whether by witnessing it or genetically, but it still did and you shouldn't feel guilty for that.

I didn't see the op but for awhile now,I've felt I want that,too like maybe it'd help me.