I want someone to abuse me

[This was a terrible idea]

Why would you want that?

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I deserve it, basically. I had a huge long post here but I deleted it...

You saying that reminds me of a film 'Sophie's Choice'
Because of something she'd done she wanted punishment. It was the only way she could deal with her crime (that wasn't her faullt) It was the only way she could live. Punishment was her only relief, her only release from torment.

I'm sure you do not deserve punishment. What could you possibly have done that was that bad.

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Do you consider yourself to be a masochist?

Generally, no. In these moments, I consider myself weak, whiny, needy, despicable, pathetic, undeserving of respect, and kind of a failure. I complain and feel awful when I have no business ever feeling bad about anything. Not when there are people who go through much worse. I've never been abused, just a bit psychologically neglected, which makes me literally a joke.

I could repost what was going to be the OP. Basically a conversation elsewhere about something brought my attention back to these aspects of myself. Though really, I've felt this way for a while, this guilt.

I kinda see where your coming from but feel your being a little melodramatic about it.

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You might just need some good attention!

Maybe. It crops up every now and then, never really gets resolved but just fades into unconsciousness. Too often I end up thinking the only way I could make these thoughts go away for good is to suffer in a way I think I deserve, or that couldput me on more equal footing with real victims who have a reason to be mentally screwed up.

What's exactly "good attention"?

"-Oh you've had such a long, painful path behind you. I'm here to love you an release your guilt, though only until 7 pm EST. Don't think everything's around you, I'm taking damage and you've to think in others as well"

Do you not consider that new thoughts will arise from suffering the way you think you deserve? Out of the frying pan only to find your in a larger one?

The way you make it sound is like someone who wants to cut off there legs when there is nothing wrong with them.


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It's guilt, I know that much. Guilt over...something.Over not being hurt when others are, but still being mentally messed up. I've read enough to know self-esteem is an almost foreign concept to me, that I'm "too hard on myself" (though I would debate that), and I can be obsessive, needy, and perfectionistic, I also have a terror of intimacy. All of these are things that should correlate with some sort of trauma or abuse. But I don't have any, nothing valid. So...what? Are my experiences even real, can I trust that I'm not manufacturing emotional content for personal fulfillment or sympathy? It's not like my self-knowledge ever goes anywhere.

Nothing's wrong indeed - that's the problem.

I guess the only good thing is this is the first time in a good few months these thoughts have recurred. Though I still don't know what to do with them.

You say you were 'psychologically neglected'.
Neglect is abuse. Emotional abuse, and just as damaging as physical abuse.
Have you ever talked about your life and how you feel with maybe, a therapist?

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Plenty of others had it so much worse though. My reactions are pathetic and weak by comparison. Plus, expectations: a person, especially an adult, is supposed to be confident and self-respecting and self-loving, with strong self-esteem. Anything less is just pitiful.

Sometimes I think I have this messed up envy toward people who had utterly awful lives. Absolutely no idea why.

So far I've only been able to talk with people online, with mixed results, usually during flare-ups like this one. I've had therapists before when I still lived at home, bit they never lasted long since I didn't make the right kind of progress fast enough. I've never been comfortable bringing these kinds of things up - how do you even broach that subject? Also I used to worry about my mom finding out I considered her influence on me to be poor, or unhealthy. She might accuse me of lying, or the Dr. of trying to "turn us against each other". These days I don't have the time or money for therapy, and I question it's usefulness.

I know these kinds of thoughts are sick and insane, and I kind of want to apologize form the impulse posting.

I think you have perfectionism.

You were probably the kid who brought home the report card with 5 As and 1 B, only to have a parent (or parents) focus exclusively on the B.

Weirdly enough, no. Not that I remember. My grades were all over the place, mostly because I rarely did homework (on time). But my mom was okay with it until she actually started getting notices about the missing homework.

Regarding my thoughts, I'm perfectionistic in principle but not in action. I want perfection but rarely do anything because I guess I know it won't work out that way. I guess it's easier to criticize and plan rather than to act and fail...

Were your parents perfectionists?

Were you rebellious against your parents? Did your parents have very high expectations for you?

I can relate.

Plenty of others have had it worse.
Yeah they have.
I read posts and my heartbreaks for people. The abuse they suffered is unthinkable.
The fact they survive and fight I admire. They think they are weak. They are not. They are strong, amazing, decent people.

So. Does that invalidate your experience. My experience.
No.
It is different for everyone.
Emotional neglect deserves it's rightful name. Abuse. And it is very damaging.

It's not so much about who had it 'better' or worse. It's about each individuals personal battle. Your battles are no easier than anyone's else's. And you do sound like you need comfort and help.



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I think, guess you somehow feel you deserve punishment. You hate yourself?

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Hello,

You said before you've never been abused, just a bit psychologically neglected.

What do you mean by "psychologically neglected", exactly?

One could easliy wander off to the "repressed memories" field and suggest that you might be actually feeling the aftershocks of some traumatic event that you cannot/do not want to remember. But I'd find it dangerous to even suggest such a thing, because that might create even more problems where problems do not exist.

Anyway, I'm no expert, just someone who's been reading too much lately, trying to figure out what's wrong with me.

But one thing I can say: whatever it is going on with you, self-flagellation is not going to help. I'd perhaps risk saying that what you need is a competent mental help professional to aid you figuring out what's wrong.

I know how hard is to find that professional, I've been searching for months actually, and had no luck so far. I've had a couple of "half-appointments" about 10 years ago and I just walked away because people were more interested in telling me to just "get over it" and "change my attitude" rather than working with me and showing me how to overcome my difficulties.

But I haven't given up yet, I'm still trying to find someone able to help me.

I wish you the best of luck.

I've had people tell me to "just get over" my weird issues and obsessions, it annoys me immensely. That's not how it works. When the issues have been going on for years, you're not likely to snap out of them one day.

Now, psychologically neglected. The biggest thing I think of regarding that is my own mental health issues. I've had symptoms since I was about 10 or 11 - depressive thoughts, a feeling of "emotional abandoment", even suicidal ideation by age 11. To this day, I don't think my mom takes it seriously. Part of it is bias: my mom has bipolar II and I've witnessed her severe depressive episodes since childhood. The reasoning pretty much went that since my symptoms weren't like hers, I was fine. I've been accused of faking and exaggerating to get attention, of enmeshing (I recall being told to "grow up and stop imitating Mommy like a little kid", assuming that my behavior was merely imitating my mother's symptoms). Talking about it was out of the question. I'd be blown off, laughed at, or basically told my feelings were correct - as in "Yes, you are ugly, stupid, worthless, useless, you're absolutely right." Though, maybe I'm just too emotional a person to understand this approach to crap self-esteem...? Like don't stroke their ego so they work harder to improve?

Living home after dropping out of school and sometimes getting litanies of insults and threats hurled at me (in addition to other small miseries, or so they felt like) didn't help, though I can't complain because I deserved it. I do know living at home probably set me back. I'm just used to feeling awful and it's kind of pathetic. I'm not sure if even I take my mental health that seriously. Even now I sometimes wonder if I'm histrionically exaggerating things in my mind to feel special.

All I can think of for now, and I km know, it'so not really related to the guilt that produced this thread.

Hmmm... You're creating a problem that doesn't actually exist. For me, you will take a lot of process to cope with that as your mind is full of destructive thoughts towards yourself. You may need someone (a therapist, or counselor) to help you with this to deal with one by one. People doesn't deserve to be punished. We deserved to be valued and cared. And remember, you are precious... believe it or not. You cannot change that truth.

hi scientia ,
you really don't want anyone to abuse you. negative thinking .





Diagnosis: Anxiety and depression
meds: Cymbalta 60 mgs at night
Vistrail 2 25 mgs daily for anxiety prn
50 mgs at night for insomnia with an additional 25 mgs=75 mgs when up past 1:00 in the morning

I think I know that, yet... I have this irrational and sometimes overwhelming guilt about, I guess,,'not suffering. Or believing that being harmed will somehow atone for personal moral failures and inadequacies. It kicks in hard when I feel bad about my own past, or consider that my past might have damaged me - well, it was nothing compared to this person or that one, in have no right to complain, no right to feel bad, bit I still do...but nothing bad even happened! I only saw it as such because I'm spoiled, entitled, immature, I don't know what real pain is, and I should, etc etc...