[Varney]

Hi, I'm not sure if this is in the right category since I can't name my problem.
First I probably should say some things about me. I am a 23 year old guy. I am a student, I love studying languages, I also teach them and love my work. I am a very introverted person. All the signs of introverted people fit me perfectly (I actually only recently realized this and it helped me understand myself a little better).
My problem is hard to describe but it’s something that comes back every now and then (well, actually quite often, the frequency changes) and I think it has to do with a lot of other things/aspects which I want to describe:

Sometimes I just want to isolate myself from the world, not see anybody. This feeling comes very suddenly and I don’t even want to talk to my closest friends (of which as an introvert I don’t have many). It’s like in a second I start feeling like this and I refuse to say even 1 word. I just kind of shut down like a machine and don’t answer anybody with more than a nod and I can’t even bring myself to smile.

I am a person with a huge inner world and I am very emotional in that I long for love and always am in love with somebody. For almost 2 years I have been in love with my male colleague (I am gay) who is straight. Since I am such an emotional person, I have been very sad about this and I always let emotions like this take control over me. I think about him all the time, dream about him, wait to see him, even though I know it’s useless and I will never get what I wish. We actually are friends, but it’s more like a colleague-friend relationship; we aren’t the closest friends. As I said, it’s been two years. I feel like I’m walking in circles. (I know though what I feel for him isn’t true love. I am in love, but …platonically. Maybe just infatuated).

Which has to do with another thing. I have a low self-esteem and I actually don’t know why. I’m not saying I never acknowledge my qualities; I acknowledge my qualities as a teacher or a learner of languages. For example, I actually know I am very talented as far as languages are concerned. But since I was, like, 16, I have been feeling very bad about my appearance and I still call myself ugly and unworthy of love. If a guy even wanted to go on a date with me, or expressed that he liked me, I would be like “why does he like something as worthless as me?”. And as far as “walking in circles” is concerned: I am madly in love with the colleague I mentioned but I don’t even try to forget him, maybe by trying to date and not wait for him to “become gay”. God, I even know he asked one of my female colleagues out on a date (she refused) and not even this has helped me get over him.

Then there are these times when I kind of hate him for being so pretty and beat myself up over being ugly. BUT I know appearance doesn’t matter and what matters is inside. I KNOW THAT. I just never brought myself to really believe it.

I feel like months are flying by and nothing is changing. My feelings for him aren’t changing. My attitude towards myself isn’t changing either. Sometimes I hate myself for being antisocial. Like a few days ago, I had passed an exam and wanted to reward myself somehow. I wanted to go have lunch (by myself) at McDonald’s but passing by I saw a lot of people inside which made me change my mind and I preferred to stay hungry. I feel this fear or something. There’s a feeling of inferiority in me which I cannot get rid of. Even today I walked into our teachers’ room where my colleagues and the one I like were talking and laughing and suddenly this feeling of inferiority came over me and I felt like a loser. Often when we go out for a beer with my colleagues I feel like I am the weird or even sick one just because I don’t talk as much as the others. What makes me even sadder/madder is how I (for example being out with my colleagues) can’t defend myself against those bad feelings and everybody has fun but me. I feel like the stupid one, incapable of having a good time. Then I hate myself for being like this and I often feel rage towards others for being so … happy.

I am not saying I feel like this all the time. But it is often. When it passes, I basically feel like a happy person. But sometimes I feel like there is this weird sadness or pessimism or something inside of me and I have no idea how it got there.
When I was a child I used to get called a ****** and insulted by words about my appearance. Could this perhaps have left something inside of me? Because I have no idea. I don't know what's wrong with me.

[Atypical_Disaster]

Antisocial personality disorder refers to sociopaths and psychopaths. Given your lengthy post here, you are clearly not one. If you posted this elsewhere you would get better support. This forum is basically dead as I'm the only antisocial that posts on this site with regularity.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Varney: I see this is your first post... so... welcome to PsychCentral... from the Skeezyks! I hope you will find the time you spend here to be of benefit. The more you post, & reply to other members' posts, the more connected to the community you will feel.

Yes, I can certainly relate to allot of what you expressed in your post. It's a long story & I won't go into all of the details, but I have always felt pretty uncomfortable around other people. I'm very much an introvert. I had to chuckle a bit at your comment regarding McDonalds. I would have exactly the same reaction!

I'm an older person now & I pretty-much just keep to myself. There's no one who can, or even wants to try, to understand what I have struggled with all of my life. And even if there were, there's so much of it I couldn't even talk about. So what good would it do?

I enjoy reading about current research regarding how our brains function. And one thing that keeps coming up is that allot more of who we are, & what we do, is controlled by areas of the brain to which we have no conscious access than we would typically imagine. So perhaps there is some stuff stored in non-conscious areas of your brain that you are not aware of but that is causing you to feel the way you do... just a thought. My best wishes to you...