[Marylin]

There was an article from psyche central newsletter today about the ways we self abuse.Apparently telling yourself nobody will ever want you as a partner is self abuse.As is telling yourself your body is fat and ugly and no one will ever find it attractive.I have done this for years and years and only today do I find out that I am abusing myself by saying these things to myself.

Today I am angry and also sad.Sad because I have views on things which are dismissed by others and invalidated.I believe in God and Jesus,others don't,they can't agree to disagree,they say my views are wrong,that I am wrong.They say there is no such thing as the devil and no such thing as evil.This is in direct conflict with my experience.I feel invalidated,negated.I lose my worth and self esteem because the people saying these things make out they are better informed,better educated than I.Not only am I wrong I am also bad ,ignorant to believe what I do.I am so angry because the approach of these other people towards me is combative.

God commands us to love ourselves.In other's eyes I am bad for my beliefs,so in my eyes I am unlovable,I am sad to know I have been abusing myself.I am angry to have my opinions and views questioned and feel abused that they are negated.Others have abused me all my life so it is hard to start loving myself.I am hard on myself.I want to achieve my goals but never can.I am overweight.I want to lose it to be attractive,to be healthy.Why though must I hate myself for my looks,and call myself ugly and disgusting and repulsive?And when I say these things I believe it to the core.I feel I am ugly, I feel I am stupid cos of people dismissing my religious beliefs.I believe it all because I have been told my whole life, you are ugly, you are repulsive, you are stupid,you don't matter, you are wasting my time,you are a waste of space.

When it came to education my teachers didn't make an effort to help me learn,when it came to making a living no one handed me a comfortable living,I had to work physically hard for long hours and handle a lot of responsibility at a young age ,16,I was when my dad,our provider died.No one would have cared or saved us if we had been left homeless and destitute.

Still I believe in God's love and care.Still I care about others.Why does that not stretch to myself.Why whenever I cater to my own needs do I feel like I am selfish.Because I have been told by others my whole life,that is selfish.Told by people who were ultimately abusers and definitely selfish and out to use me.Still I cannot see that all the bad things they have said to me and that I now say to myself aren't true.

I am very sad,tired and frustrated.I am not doing nice things for myself.I am not doing what I need to do to meet new people and make new friends.I am doing the opposite of that.Why do I sabotage my own goals?

Can someone who has know love from family,who was taught self love teach me here how to love myself and what to do to treat myself lovingly,how do I self love and be kind to myself instead of harsh?I have been bullied and treated harshly all my life,i am not sure I know how to love myself though I have been very loving to others.

[Marylin]

I guess I was in a bad place when I wrote the above post.I am in a better place today.I am a bit annoyed with myself cos I let my sister who I cut out of my life going on a year and a half now,I let her bring me some insulin that I left in my mum's fridge.I didn't see her or open the door she just brought it and posted it through my letterbox.I am mad at myself for allowing her to do that favor for me,to save myself a trip and taxi fare.i forgot to take the insulin when I left mum's.It was bad of me to take the easy way and let narc sis bring it.She will be feeling good for making me break the boundary.She is not supposed to see me or talk to me but she forgot I was at my mum's one day when she was told I would be and she turned up and let herself in with the key,she left straight away,but that same day I forgot the insulin and that night she would be going to the station anyway which is five mins from my house so she offered to bring the insulin.Mum phoned to ask if it was ok and I said yes it was ok.I should have said no,because this person who is my biological sister abused me for 26 years and tried to bring about my death twice.What is it saying to her if I let her do me favors like bring my insulin when I forget it.I feel so bad for allowing that.Plus I sense she is doing what she always does,sensing that I am strong and able and seeing what she can make me do for her in the end,she always used to dump me when I was ill and jump on my band wagon when I was strong again.I have told my mum to tell the narc sister not to let herself in mums house when I am there with her key again,not to forget when it is a day I am visiting.I also told her never again will I allow sister to do me a favor like bring insulin again!I have been beatingmyself up for this mistake all day,it happened yesterday!But now I will forgive myself and move on.

It is Orthodox Easter this weekend.Tomorrow I am going for a coffee and I am going to buy flowers to take to my dad's grave.

[Marylin]

With God's love and help I am learning to love myself and improve my self esteem!

[Marylin]

I feel good about myself today.I went to dad's grave and took him some white Roses and deep purple Chrysamthemums,they were lovely.I filled a plastic container with water and flower food and left them at dad's grave.I had a long chat with him and cried,said God bless and that I hope he is resting in peace.It felt good to be there at his grave,it is set in a church graveyard and it is a serene and peaceful place.I felt loving and full of self love too though I got wet in the rain waiting for a taxi home.It was good for my self esteem to allow the part of me that misses my dad to try and show him I still love him,even though he is no longer here on earth with us!

[Fuzzybear]