[ksrowan922]

Personal, please don't scorn or shrug off if you have any suggestions!! I have a heavy tendency to fall for older guys ('older' meaning at least five years). I used to put it down as I liked the maturity they had compared to other men my age, but as I become more and more honest with myself it's the control on their end and the vulnerability on mine. I have a need to feel used or unwanted, like I deserve the emotional abuse and that's the only way I'll be happy in my relationships. I know it's unhealthy and I know it can lead to putting myself at risk but I don't feel worth a true equal healthy relationship? I can't talk to my psych about it yet as I won't be able to see her for a while. Any help will be greatly appreciated I hate having to feel this way

Originally Posted by ksrowan922

Personal, please don't scorn or shrug off if you have any suggestions!! I have a heavy tendency to fall for older guys ('older' meaning at least five years). I used to put it down as I liked the maturity they had compared to other men my age, but as I become more and more honest with myself it's the control on their end and the vulnerability on mine. I have a need to feel used or unwanted, like I deserve the emotional abuse and that's the only way I'll be happy in my relationships. I know it's unhealthy and I know it can lead to putting myself at risk but I don't feel worth a true equal healthy relationship? I can't talk to my psych about it yet as I won't be able to see her for a while. Any help will be greatly appreciated I hate having to feel this way

I'm guessing you're pretty young as you class guys as at least 5 years older than you as 'older'.

I don't know that this age preference would necessarily mean abusive, but it clearly sounds like the type of older man you are attracted to is the controlling abusive type.

It's really good you recognise this ksrowan, because recognising a self destructive pattern is a big step towards changing it.

I had one short lived abusive relationship, many years ago before I met my husband, and I know that feeling of believing you don't deserve better. Believe me, you do deserve better. An equal loving relationship is within your capability (whatever the age of your partner), you just need the sense of self worth to take steps towards it.

I hope you are working on self-esteem issues with your T, because that is very likely where the roots of this pattern lie.

In the meantime here's a short article on building self-esteem:

Building Self-Esteem | Psych Central

[TishaBuv]

I read the article, prefab, and should read it every day to help me. Thanks for posting!

Ksrowan, hello and welcome to PC! I've helped myself very much by posting and reading other's posts on here. You already are aware of your issue, and I hope you find more help on here and with your therapist.

My only suggestion for now until you see your T is to just take a step back and relax from pursuing any current abusive relationships you have.