I've recently identified the part of me I've called my inner critic as no more than a confused kid who did what she had to in order to survive - that is, seemingly accepting mom's word as gospel although I didn't really, in my heart - but my mom couldn't handle being challenged, so I had to appear to go along with her madness..

I've been repeating all the self-defeating filth she spewed at me, really, because she can't love herself and thus no one else. It wasn't about me although I was the one who had to bear the brunt of it - she would have been the same with anyone.

Now this 'inner critic' does NOT want to hurt me anymore - never did, but instead did her best to keep me SAFE. I THANK HER for that

Now she wants to learn to do better, to love me! I did a mental exercise where I shut the door on my mom and have been focused on internalizing that whatever she does behind it is her business - what's on my side is mine, and this is a different world where I'll let go of and learn my way out of all the nastiness! Because I want to feel good. Since in reality, my mom's still in my life, I've also been thinking I can't stop her from saying or doing anything, but I don't have to believe it. I don't need her that desperately anymore, and if she can't handle me having my own differing views, that's her problem. If she gets violent, I'll walk away.

I was also thinking what loving myself actually means, and realized it's as simple as asking what I need and then doing my best to meet those needs - not try to talk them away or ignoring myself. That's something my parents did because they were out of their depth - I can and want to learn how to meet my needs if I don't already know.

What you're describing is a very difficult process, which I'm in the middle of too. I forget who it is, but someone on this forum has in their signature something to the tune of, "Self care is NOT selfish." It's so hard for some of us to really put ourselves first without the massive loads of guilt that come with it, but it's crucial for our mental health.

You seem to be a little further along in your journey with this than I am. It's not easy, and I appreciate having this post to be reminded of it. It's not selfish to put your mom behind a door and take care of yourself at this point. It's imperative for you to be healthy.

[Fuzzybear]