[Albatross2008]

I know some men who measure their own personal self-worth by the size of their paycheck. They go into a terrible depression if they get laid off, because they are at least subconsciously telling themselves they have *no* value. These are the ones who insist on picking up the tab. "Your money's no good here, soldier. This one's on me." It makes them feel good that they can afford it.

My husband, I suspect, finds self-worth in how many hours of overtime he can put in. Many people are like him, and think there is virtue in working themselves to death. I'm not saying there is or isn't; just that they think so.

Now, lest you think I'm picking on men....

I am disabled and unable to work outside the home. My only choice of a career, then, is to be a homemaker while my husband is breadwinner. And I have been brainwashed to think a homemaker's worth is in how clean she keeps her house.

So, when I can't even do that, or it my efforts get downright worked against, I get very down on myself.

I try. I really try. But when I keep putting the same thing away several times, and the next time I see it, it's out again... or when I am putting something away and drop it and have to pick it up off the floor, sometimes two or three times... when my husband comes home from work and has to do a chore I was unable to do... I feel down on myself.

People tell me the house doesn't have to look like something out of a magazine, but it isn't about that. The problem isn't cleanliness or beauty. It's organization. I'm wearing myself out looking for stuff. If it was where it's supposed to be, where I put it last, I could have just gotten it and gone on with my business. But nobody understands. If I'm upset, they think it's about the house not being pretty enough, and they tell me it doesn't matter. And I can't get it communicated what the problem really is.

So the house is a mess, and as a homemaker, I see it as my failure.

((((((Arbie))))))

I am sorry you're feeling so down on yourself. I hope that you don't stay there (in that mind space) for long. I'm sure you have a lot to be proud of yourself for.

I'm reading a book about self esteem, that says self worth has nothing to do with externals (how much you make, how clean you keep your house, how often or how much you work, what you look like, whether you're disabled or not, how high or low your education is, etc etc etc). It is internal. Everyone has the same worth. No one is better than anyone else. And everyone is worthy and awesome in their own way. Even if they feel they have nothing awesome about them. It's called The Self Esteem Workbook, in case you might be interested.

I myself really struggle with self esteem issues and insecurity, and while it fluctuates, it's most usually there in some form. The way I'm healing myself and the way I see myself, is to slowly change my thoughts about myself. I think there are other things one can do to. But I just wanted to tell you I hear you. I feel that way about myself not having a job.