[Berries]

Except for some of the flashbacks, i don't cry.

i feel like there is a big ball of pain inside and i want my T or me to reach in and pull it out.

maybe if i could cry it would come out and then leave me alone.

But how do i do that?

Talked about some of the abuse in last appointment, very matter of factly, and then as soon as i left i feel into an even deeper depression than i had been before.

When do i stop thinking about it. When do i stop being triggered? When will i ever have irl relationships? When will i stop being hypervigilant? When is this going to end?
Any suggestions?

[Sannah]

Talk about it with your feelings..........

[multipixie9]

Berries,

Boy do I relate to what you shared. I was literally trained by abusers not to cry no matter how much they hurt or frightened me. For me it was a matter of survival to not cry or show my feelings. On the more ordinary days showing my tears or tender side got me ridiculed and called names. I was the youngest and the only girl and my brothers were ruthless in their teasing.

I say all that to say that when I got into counseling it took a long time for me to feel safe enough and to realize the depth of the "programming" I had in place. I have been having to learn all over how to recognize that I AM having feelings and to learn how to let go of this "ultra-control" they taught me and HAVE my feelings. Along the way to getting to my feelings I had to realize that I did a lot of things meant to keep the feelings under control. Stuff them down with food. Bury them under migraines and other illnesses. Stay too busy to be able to even notice feelings. When a feeling began to break down control I would go into amnesia and suddenly "Forget" everything. Distract myself from myself by reading or watching movies. The list can be endless. SOOO...

Over time I had to gain willingness to feel again and had to learn how to recognize, accept and HAVE the feelings that were coming up and THEN learn how to not do anything harmful to myself BECAUSE I was having feelings.

At least for me, this took a pretty long time - everyone is different. After a lifetime of doing things one way you can't just slam on the breaks and go the opposite way, that would be harmful to you.

You are doing good things to help yourself get the healing you need. One of the best things you can do for yourself is be patient with yourself and become your own "cheerleader". This is not easy work and you deserve credit and approval for what you are doing. Life being what it is you may have to be the one who says, "Well done"!

My only real advice is "Just don't quit". Do this and you will find the healing you need, in time. I wish you well!

Leslie

ps I think I must have asked this question hundreds of times!!!!