[googley]

When I compare my experiences to physical and SA I feel like they don't count. I feel like people just tell me to get over it. When I was a kid they just told me I had to have a thicker skin. There was no proof of any injury. And since there is no proof then it didn't count. I feel like people don't consider it important or that it should have impacted my life. I feel like my feelings are invalid. No one ever cared. Everyone just wants me to have a relationship with them. I feel like if it had been anything else then they would not keep pushing me to keep having a relationship with them. It's like they are saying it didn't count and it wasn't that bad. They say that their problems make it so they aren't required to take responsibility for their actions. So I should just forgive and forget (heavy on the forgetting part). They were the adults. Why am I the one who gets blamed? I should have been better and not made them mad. Their problems make them unresponsible (not sure the right word) for their actions. Instead it is my responsibility to keep them calm and hence anything they do is brushed off and I'm told I shouldn't be upset. I feel like my life is not considered as valuable or important as others. I feel worthless and awful.

[Foomph]

Nah, they just feel guilty about it. If you feel that it was abusive, then it was. Are you in counselling to help get through it and rebuild some self-worth, etc?

[Elysium]

Googley.....



I could have written that myself...

I'm angry for us all......

Those stupid f****rs!!!!

[del12]

Googley

Your post sounds just like me. I took the blame for all the verbal and emotional abuse I endured growing up and it wasn't until I sought therapy(after 40 yrs) that I finally can say it is not my fault. It is so difficult even now to not take the blame for others abusive words towards me and there are times when I remember incidences in my life when I was the receipent of some terrible verbal abuse and I have to tell myself it is them not me! My self esteem had hit bottom and going to my father's house (who was the major abuser) was scary I was scared to share what was going on in my life or sadness or even happiness because he would find some way to put me down. As a teen and young adult my family would just tell me not to push his buttons. I was in so much pain and I felt so alone. I couldn't understand how my siblings could take his abuse. Now after working with a wonderful T I am able to set boundries and do what I need to do to take care of me. And my siblings are actually supporting me. It isn't easy and I have chosen to remove myself from my father's life. I still love him, and there are times when I question my choice, but I am getting stronger and I am hoping that some day I will be able to be around him without shrinking back to that child who cowered and felt so alone. Take care of you. You are not to blame. You are a good person. You are worth so much and you deserve to be happy. Emotional and verbal abuse may not have any physical scars but there are deep emotional scars the need to be healed. I am here to suppport you.

[phoenix7]

(((((((Googley))))))

they are the bad people not you - they have the problems and they are trying to make you feel that it was your fault grrrr it was not! - and you are not responsible for what they did - they are !

They may have had problems but that is no excuse - it can be a reason for why they did it - but with abuse - abused ones dont always turn into abusers so they have to take responsibility for it not you.

Pleas eknow that you were innocent and that you need to look after yourself and be kind to yourself and forgive yourslef because you did not cause this.

You have been harmed and just because there are no visible marks does not emant there are not scars inside your mind that no-one see's

I am sorry you are going through this and I hope things improve for you soon (hugs if ok)

P7

[Fuzzybear]

googley

[susan888]

(((Googley)))
They were supposed to protect us....

[googley]

Thank you all for the validation. Sometimes it is hard to remember.
Susan,
That is exactly how I feel. I wish that I could just have someone take care of me so i didn't have to worry all the time about everything. Having to be a little adult as a kid has left me feeling alone. I just feel like I need a break so that someone else can take care of it for a while. Then I could relax. Instead I have always had to be taking care of everyone else. No one ever cared enough to do anything. Am I supposed to be angrier at the person who did it or the person who didn't stop it? I just don't know.

[phoenix7]

I really dont know googley - the abuser I would think - maybe theother one was jsut too scared...... dunno ..

[susan888]

Googley, I feel the same way and I wish I had that answer....I was just a little girl then and no one protected me..but..there was a lot they were dealing with too. I guess my Mom did her best after my dad chose the wrong way out..but I was such an easy little target for a few predator adults...I don't think she ever knew....It's hard to be the invisible child....My brother had it better than me but he wasn't born yet when the bad thing happened so maybe he wasn't as much of a reminder as I was.... ((((Googley))))

[susan888]

P.S. Googley, I'm still trying to take care of everyone else...wishing that someone would just take care of me.

[googley]

Originally Posted by phoenix7

I really dont know googley - the abuser I would think - maybe theother one was jsut too scared...... dunno ..

P7-
It's hard. My mom was emotionally and verbally abusive. But she is mentally ill. My dad didn't do anything to stop her behavior and was using me as a way to keep her from focusing on him. But he could have stood up for me. When she would yell at him, he would just threaten to get a divorce. After she was abusive then I had to take care of her. My dad said it was my fault that it happened because I hadn't kept her calm. That it was my responsibility to be the adult in the situation. I couldn't even keep her out of my room until after my sophmore year in college when I refused to come home unless there was a lock. (not that it stopped her when I was anywhere else in the house, and she was pissed when i would use it so she would just yell from outside the door.) I'm just feeling really stressed out right now.

[susan888]

(((Googley)))
It wasn't your fault...and your Dad should have protected you better. I guess they just do the best they can....and we have to live with the damage.. Do you still have a relationship with your parents?

[googley]

I do still have a relationship with my parents. It is a long distance one. I have made certain promises to myself, such as that I will never sleep under their roof again. I have become much better at dealing with them on the phone. If they become problematic on the phone then I can just end the call. I found it was a lot like behavioral conditioning to teach them without directly saying what topics I didn't want to talk about. When they started demanding things from me or becoming abusive then the calls would end. They realized that if they wanted to keep talking to me then they were not allowed to demand things from me or be abusive. It is a lot easier for me now that I don't have to go back home for the summer between college years. When I had to go back I had to convince myself that it would be better than the last time, though it often wasn't and the last time I was home was the worst. I have continued to think about if I should sever my relationship with them, but I don't want to loose my relationships with my brothers who missed most of the drama from when I was a kid (they were older). So it is all complicated.

[susan888]

Googley, Very, very good for you to make those boundries!!! Hard to do...Celebrate that you have been able to make that progress!!! You have to be your first priority!!

[phoenix7]

I am sorry Googley - the ones that should protect us didnt ... it sounds like he was just trying to deflect her onto you so he was safe then blame you I am so sorry (hugs if ok)

[googley]

Thank you all. I think what is worse than just the abuse itself is the doubt it has left me with. If my parents weren't willing to love and protect me, who will be. I wonder if anyone will ever love me.

[phoenix7]

I asked my T that - well I kind of shouted it at him he was saying that people can and would love me andI said :if my own parents didnt love me how can anyone else - it just proves I am unlovable doesnt it!!!"

T said (more or less) that my parents didnt do what they were supposed to do because of what had happened to them - they werent capable of loving me in the right way (my mother would have (( I hope )) but she worked 3 jobs so wasnt there) or available to love me - that it was not because of me but because of them.

That I am both worthy of love and able to love and be loved once I do some more healing - please do not believe your past - you are lovable - I see that and I hope you will too (((((hugs if ok))))))

[googley]

P7,
Thank you for your post. I have heard a much simpler version of this from my T before. However, it can be really hard to remember. It is always good to be reminded as it is easy to forget that when my behaviors (such as taking care of others) continue. And yes, Hugs are great. For all of us who want them.

[phoenix7]

(((((((((googley))))))))

[Sannah]

Hi Googley, good work with setting those boundaries with your parents when you are on the phone!

Yes, like eveyone has mentioned, your parents were very wrong, and yes, they were wrong because they were not well.

Unless they have gone through therapy, their tunes are not going to change (except through your behavior modification plan, teaching them your boundaries!).

One "mistake" that we all make is that we want our neglectors and abusers to see what they did, to validate our experience. This rarely, if ever happens. And you know what, you can heal anyway without it!

At some point you can focus on stopping your pattern of meeting other's needs at the expense of your own. You will need to focus to change this. I succeeded at this.

Who will love you? Well, it starts with you and once you do you will find people who will love you correctly too. When we come from dysfunctional environments we are shaped by them to our core and this affects our behavior to the point where we don't have healthy people around us. This can all be worked through..........

[googley]

Sannah,
Thank yo for your post. I have thoughts but can't deal w/ it right now. Thank you.

[sanramon]

To Googley,

My goodness, I feel like I could have said every word you wrote. Thanks for validating how I feel.

Hope you are able to get some peace regarding dealing with all that has happened.

[sanramon]

oh my goodness, googley!

i also wonder about: "Am I supposed to be angrier at the person who did it or the person who didn't stop it?"

in the moment i was heated at the one who was throwing the blows.
but now, years later, I am SO much more angry with the one who REFUSED to stop it, even tho i pleaded and begged for help. I didn't matter enough to them.

[sanramon]

Originally Posted by googley

P7-
It's hard. My mom was emotionally and verbally abusive. But she is mentally ill. My dad didn't do anything to stop her behavior and was using me as a way to keep her from focusing on him. But he could have stood up for me. When she would yell at him, he would just threaten to get a divorce. After she was abusive then I had to take care of her. My dad said it was my fault that it happened because I hadn't kept her calm. That it was my responsibility to be the adult in the situation. I couldn't even keep her out of my room until after my sophmore year in college when I refused to come home unless there was a lock. (not that it stopped her when I was anywhere else in the house, and she was pissed when i would use it so she would just yell from outside the door.) I'm just feeling really stressed out right now.

wow! Googley... I also have a mom who is mentally ill and barged in my room to yell at me constantly. I was never allowed to have a lock. Yes, it sucks to be just yelled at nonstop with no safe place.