my abuser/family member died today

My abuser/family member died today. I'm not sure how I feel. A part of me hates him. He had a long and painful death. Poor health, dementia mostly. Once he started to become more childlike it was easy to pity him. I remembered how much I used to love him. I wondered why he couldn't love me the way he love the rest of the family. What was it about me that made him hurt me? How could he be so kind to others? My whole life was damaged by his actions. A part of me enjoyed seeing him suffer.

The rest of my family loves him like a saint. His crime against me was overlooked and forgotten. But I remember it and I am angry that I am looked upon as the bad one the weird one, the freak. I was six years old when the abuse started and about 15 years old when I had the courage to say ENOUGH! Leave me alone! Now I'm in my mid-forties and my life is still broken. I feel like half a person. In death he will be the best this and the best that... but what about me? How am I supposed to feel? Giddy, abandoned, depressed, happy?

I'm glad he's gone but a part of me loved him and he will be missed.

Sorry for the loss of your Father. Warm hugs to you
((Zalev)) - you'll probably have many mixed emotions. Please take care of yourself

This must be very difficult for you with so many conflicting feelings.

Hi Zelev:

I'm sorry for the loss of your father. I'm also sorry for the loss of your youth and innocence. I think about having to face this one day myself.

My mother was very physically abusive when I was growing up and I hadn't seen her for six years until this past Xmas. I have no hopes of a wonderful relationship developing. I just didn't want to regret not having seen her for years in case she died. I think about her dying and how I will feel because I'm pretty numb towards her right now.

Not only was she physically abusive when I was a child (she actually pulled a knife on me when I was 11 and threatened to cut my tongue out.) but she has also been emotionally abusive to me as an adult. She blamed me for years for how she treated me as a child. When I was around 20 we were having an argument one day and she said, "I should have aborted you but now you can do it yourself." Yeah, you read that right. She suggested I kill myself. My mother.

I don't really hate her. I don't feel anything. I don't know what I'm going to do when she dies because I'm the eldest but I can't see myself even being involved in the funeral arrangements. My sister feels the same way and probably even more than me.

After being away from her for six years and giving myself a chance to get untangled from her, when I saw her Xmas I just felt empty. I imagine her death is going to be strange to me. It's confusing when the one you're supposed to love the most hurts you so deeply that you don't know how to feel towards them. Just imagining myself in your position, I know this must be very difficult for you.

Allow yourself to feel whatever you feel and don't label it good or bad. I hope I'll be able to take my own advice when that time comes
Take care of U

I am so saddened this happened to you all. The ambivalence is part of the mourning process. My hope is coming to terms with what happened and the person who caused it will work a closure that may be incomplete but will leave you in a better place.

Pax Vobiscum.

Your emotions must be all over the place.i'm sorry to hear about your loss and i understand that you dont have many people to support you.do you have a T or support group you can speak with.maybe try RAINN i really think it be helpful for you to express how you feel.
take care

One of my abusers suffered a major stroke and my first thought was it couldn't have happened to a more deserving person - then of course I started to feel bad about not feeling bad - at one time I did love that person - or who that person was SUPPOSED to be ~ but in the end I felt an absence of feeling- more than anything. Not love, hate, loss or fear just that I didn't really care. I don't know if that is good or bad, just my experience.

((( Zelev ))) It makes sense that you feel this way. You have love inside your heart for this person. But the anger and justified outrage over what was done to you is also real. I understand how hard that is. My own abuser is still alive and we were always close. It hurts because the angry part of me wants to know he is gone. But I know when he does leave, I will miss the part of him I love.

This is called a double bind. And it is one thing that makes being a survivor very painful. Take care of yourself and be kind to yourself.

How are you Zelev?

((((((Zelev))))))

To EVERYONE who posted, thank you so much.

((KDlady)) was right on with "my first thought was it couldn't have happened to a more deserving person..."

((Princess Butterfly)) I appreciate the reminder about RAINN, I'll check that out.

I've gone through a lot of emotions, I didn't expect to feel anything at all and was surprised so many understood. When it first happened I was devastated and was grieving for myself as well. I'm still not sure why or how I feel but each day its getting easier.

The family has gone all out for the funeral. He left a ton of debt, very little insurance so the money could probably be better used in other ways... Right now I'm just trying to make it through the funeral. Listening to how he was such a wonderful person, etc.

Life is so funny...

(((((((((( Zelev )))))))))))

I can completely relate. My father had been deceased for some time before I found out, because he hadn't been a part of my life since my teen years. When I found out, through a cousin telling me, I didn't want to freak her out by actually jumping for joy, but I'm sure the fact that I didn't react at all left her scratching her head too. She is considerably younger than I am, and doesn't have the memories of her uncle that I have. She had never been witness or victim of his abuse.

My therapist explained to me that my father had been dead to me for so long, that the fact he really is dead now doesn't make any difference to me. I had already done most of my grieving for the fact that he and I will never have a normal father/daughter relationship.

Yet... it's not all done. There is part of me that still grieves. At one time I was Daddy's little girl. I wanted to love him. His violence prevented it.

LovebirdsFlying: I am so sorry for your loss.

Thank you Bill. Sometimes I think it's not much of a loss, but the fact that I will never have a normal relationship with my father definitely is one.

I was mainly relating to Zelev, however. She's the one my heart goes out to.

Funeral is this week. Family coming from out of state etc. As things get closer my mother's attitude towards me gets worse. Due to financial reasons, I've been living at the family home for the last few weeks. Since my mother will have no income for few months, I was thinking we could help each other but she makes it a point not to rely on me.

Its almost as if she is trying to erase me as a family member or something. This is nothing new. We get along fine as long as I don't say or do anything she doesn't like. But now I am more aware of it than ever before. She has shut out me out of any responsibility for the funeral arrangements. Which is really FINE with me... but everyone else has noticed. She does subtle passive aggressive things like not including me in conversations, ignoring me, etc. Other times she turns it on like everything is fine. Still, I get this vibe like she wishes I could just disappear. She told me I wasn't there for her the day my father died. She wanted me to be with the family and go out to dinner to bond and grieve, etc. At the time I was too overwhelmed. I just couldn't do it. My emotions were everywhere and I was mortified that I wouldn't be able to control what I said or thought.

Years ago when I could afford counseling, my therapist said I needed to own up to my mother's role in my abuse. Her participation by looking the other way...

I have been hesitant to leave my hometown but I really believe its time for me to move somewhere else. Get a new start or maybe I'm being childish and running away from my problems.

Zelev, my heart goes out to you. Your T was right about your mom's role. My mom was like that - she was a great mom... Still is. But there are some things she would give excusses about that dealt with my dad. It really makes me mad but it is not worth my energy to fight it. But I did have to move to another state to get away from the entire situation. It is not easy at all.

im sorry for ur loss and for what happened to u. the same thing happened to me but it was by my brother and from when i was 8 to just recently before i turned 16. so i understand where ur coming from. i hate him for what he did to me but i also love him cuz hes my brother. hes very manipulative so he always turns everything around and puts it on everyone else and makes people feel sorry for him. hes still alive and right now i feel like if he died i wouldnt care but i kno i probably will because i kno ill miss some of the good times we do have together. but it feels like im a sick person by caring for him sometimes and not dispising him all the time. the same with my mom. shes a good mom but she doesnt believe me about what happened so im always gonna be treated like the bad kid for messing everything up and reporting it. so i love her but i hate her at the same time. i kno the feelings r very confusing but they should get better as time passes and we start to heal. and i hope u can start to make sense out of ur feelings and get better. so my heart goes out to all of you.