the child within

I really want to integrate with that child. She's a part of me and I want her to live. But there's a huge chasm between the healthy adult and the wounded child. When I block her out totally, I'm this functional, confident, and, dare I say, happy person whom people like to be around. Well, at least that's the side of me I let others see.

But, when I let my guard down, this little girl comes to the surface who is this worthless, hurt, sad little *****. I'm trying to let go of the hatred toward her and embrace her but it's so hard. There's so much of it. Sometimes a hint of anger even comes out but, at least I push that back down because anger isn't something I allow myself to feel ever!! When she comes out, that's when the flashbacks are out of control and the body memories are so real!!!! I wish I could get a break from them. They're so overwhelming!!

As time goes on, I do feel more empathy toward her but for the life of me, I can't let it happen without reservations and I can't sustain it. It's like grief takes over that is so strong and she's the cause of it!!!

I guess I'm rambling now. There are so many emotions mixed into this that I still need to figure out and find some perspective.

Change and forgiveness is a process. There will be bumps in the road. We must persevere to reap the benefits of work we do to make better lives for ourselves.

Good luck.

Are you in therapy Saddleup?

No... I'm not in therapy. I'm not strong or courageous enough to take that first step

Saddleup, I think you have another issue that needs to be addressed. You said you did not allow yourself to be angry. Anger needs to be expressed or you can turn it in onself or worse, your inner child. I thinj a good therapist can guide you through the process.

I was told, and found it to be true, that the only way (there is no easy way) to get through something, is to go through it. Feel it, own it, experience it. The longer I tried to block all the negative feelings like anger, hate, sadness, loneliness, the longer those feelings lasted and had a hold on me. When I gave myself permission to feel all that I really felt - and not judge myself for it (or act on it) - I was slowly able to let go of much of the negative feelings that entrapped me.

It was a scary experience at first. For a long time I felt I might actually die from all the emotions and negative thoughts. I really did. During this time though, I also learned how to start taking care of myself. When I needed unconditional love, I gave it to me. When I needed a pair of motherly, supportive arms around me, I did that for myself. I wrapped my arms around myself and told myself everything would be okay, even though I didn't believe it. And I didn't call myself pathetic because I was all I had to do these things for me.

I'm curious why you would hate your child self? A child is innocent. A child knows only to seek out love, in any form offered and learns to survive in any condition a child finds itself in. You can't blame a child for anything s/he feels or for any way s/he acts. Children only know what they have been taught by adults. Some of us have been around very, very sick adults. That's why we have so much baggage as we grow into adulthood. The very sickest things on earth can be normal to us if that is what we learned as children.

Those of us who are adults and get the chance to unlearn, to become aware of all the dysfunction and evil we learned that was "normal" as children, are very lucky - if we can survive the process of becoming less dysfunctional human beings. It's not an easy or quick process. My experience has been that it is very painful at first, and continues on for the rest of my life. But the pain lessens, my understanding of my mental health problems become clearer and I do get better. I do not believe I will ever be "normal" - not even close - but I am able to accept who I am today and have built a life that is as comfortable and content as I am able to make it, given the little I had to work with. It's been a long, painful, difficult slog. (Helped much by medication and therapy and self help groups and books.) But my moments of peace and content continue to grow over the years. Living in the moment, or one day or hour at a time is an invaluable tool for me to cope each and every day.

wow Pomegranate, you're an inspiration to me.

Sorry saddleup, I didn't mean to hijack your thread but i'm in the middle of this same $#!+ right now. Finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Making progress. Pomegranate explained exactly how it's going. You're just waking up and have a long road ahead of you. Find some one to help you through this. You are couragous! You've made the first step. A good t can guide, support and explain things to you. Something i've found helpful is a book called "Healing the Child Within" by Charles L. Whitfield, MD. You deserve to heal and grow. You have every right to lead a healthy, happy life. Best wishes on your journey.

Happy Healing,
bl

You can find that courage and strength within yourself. We can support you on your journey to getting a therapist!