Daddy

I am writing this here because I have been crying my heart out all day today. I need to say some things to my dad that I know I can never say. And I need them to be in the universe. Thank you all for being there.

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Daddy,

Everytime my heart got bent, you were the one to wipe away my tears. You helped me learn things that were so cool. You let me help you with your job and made me feal so special. I remember being at school and KNOWING you would come in early from out of town and making mommy get you some chicken too from KFC when she said there was no way you would be home - but we got home with the chicken and there you were!!
I remember cutting teeth and hurting and crying after shots and you would lay down in bed and I would be on your chest - I was so small - and you were so safe - and you would make MOOOO sounds and I would listen to you and that would make the world feel good again. And I would hear you say "BOOOOSED Baby!" and it would make me laugh. I remember watching the clouds with you and seeing animals in them. I remember Dr.Who on Sat nights - just you and me. Talking science and just being father and daughter. I loved you with all my heart and soul. Even when you were hitting my brothers, I could not hate you. A part of me did, but I even hated that part of me and could not understand her rightous fury at what we saw. The eyes of a daughter loved her daddy no matter what.

I remember when they arrested you and I cried. I was alread married and so much was wrong with the world as it was... but the crime you did against another little girl. It hurt to know that.

Only two years ago I sat with you on the porch and you told me I was the reason you were glad you were alive - because I knew you and could forgive you when no one else could.

Last week the door of truth opened up for me. I am now a woman but find my heart broken and shattered into a billion pieces. My entire universe as I knew it has crumbled around me. I know I will make it through this - that is the way it works. But today I need more than any other time in my life for YOU to hold me and love me and tell me it will be ok. You told me you would beat up anyone who ever hurt me. I trusted you so much. But you were the one who hurt me the most. I know you did not think a baby could remember what you did. I know you have talked yourself into thinking it never happened - because you could not take it if you did not make yourself forget. You told me you could do that - make yourself forget things. And this was one of them. I know it because you said you never touched me - as if that were some sort of accomplishment. Well maybe it would have been!

I don't hate you - I don't think that is something I can ever do. And I still love you, because that is something I can't stop doing no matter how much I really want to. And I will forgive you for my sake alone so I can move past this and move forward to enjoy the sunshine and the mountains and the wonderful nature that is there - and the friends I have found along this painful path. But I am not the same now. You hurt me.

Your little girl.

{sends an extra special fox huggle}

(((((wpowers)))))

safe hugs if all right...
thank you for sharing your hauntingly powerful letter

Thanks for sharing...It makes me feel better to know that I didn't have the only really crappy dad out there. Just remember that they can't hurt us anymore, unless we allow them to. That's part of the healing process

Hugs, friend.

Thank you everyone for the friendship, understanding, and hugs :-) They helped me make it through a very rough day. It rained last night and it is still drizzling this AM. I woke up though and it is a new day. My heart feels lighter and brighter and is ready for the rest of my life.

I wish I could say the same to my Dad....you did a good thing writing it out...I could never tell my Dad either...how I love him and how I hate him and hwo it hurts me. He justs pretends that it never happened, well just because it wasnt me he raped ...he is a rapist...and I cant forget that. Im glad you wrote out your feelings...you spoke for alot of people there.
Stay strong and take good care of yourself.

Sincerely,

Roxy