[saddleup]

Hi everyone...

So I'm sitting here at the barn taking a break from chores. My horse is watching me through the window. (he's a little irritated because he thinks he should be getting attention at all times!)

It's so peaceful here and a great place to try and think.

So....here's the deal....about 2 months ago I had surgery to repair some stomach ulcers. Of course, I scheduled and cancelled it a few times before I actually went through with it. They biopsied the ulcers at that time and it came back "suspicious." They wanted to redo it. Well.....I've scheduled and cancelled it twice already and it's supposed to be coming up this coming wednesday. I know I should go through with it but I am soooooooooooo scared. Not just of what I might find out but I am not fond of doctors or hospitals. Especially, the thought of anesthesia again is freaking me out. I can't stand giving up that much control. I have huge trust issues to begin with much less being in a situation where I have no control...... The fear is paralyzing!!

I try to tell myself it's just a byproduct of the years of abuse and I am perfectly safe but I don't feel that way. I've been trying to just swallow the fear and panic but it's turning out to be too hard. It's hard to be alone when you're scared

[Yoda]

It is scary to have surgery. It is okay to be scared. I would be scared too. What you need to decide, I suppose, is what is the benefit of knowing what is making you ill versus what is the risk of the surgery. That is something your doctor should talk to you about. If you feel prior abuse is causing your conflict in feelings perhaps you can talk to your therapist about that.

You aren't having the surgery right this moment and your doctor isn't available to talk to today. Take a deep breath. Think about what you want to ask your doctor and write those thoughts down.

Then go kiss your horse on the muzzle and enjoy his horsey smell. Stay in the present moment.

[amante]

Saddleup,

I can totally relate, going for more surgery after having already had surgery is petrifying. I am terrified of hospitals and doctors too but you have to put your trust into them. There are more good doctors than bad doctors. I'm sure you can talk ahead of the surgery with the surgeon and he/she can put your fears behind you. Enjoy your horse in the meantime. Sending positive vibes your way.