[autumnleaves]

Hi everyone. I posted this thread under sexual addictions, too, but this also relates to my history of abuse and I wanted your input on it, so I'll post it here, too.

I made these notes for my T since she asked me to sort of analyze my behavior over my holiday from school. I am a porn/masturbation addict and "Chris" is a guy from a far away state that I communicate through email with on a sexually explicit basis. We also occasionally have webcam sexual interactions. I wanted to air this out here and get some feedback on my notes before T on Tuesday.


I use porn and my relationship with Chris in various ways and situations:
o If I am bored
o If I am lonely
o If I’ve had a particularly hard day with depression
o If I’ve had a particularly upbeat day as a reward
o To satisfy sexual “needs”
o To satisfy curiosity, sometimes
o If I am very tired but cannot sleep
o As an escape—it excites me, distracts me, and gives me a payoff
o To feel validated (with Chris) because he tells me that I am sexy or that I’m a dirty girl/naughty. I feel like I’ve accomplished something positive
o It feels comfortable
o It’s satisfying to know that I’m doing something that everyone disapproves of so much. These days I tend to think of it sometimes as a rebellion against roommates who are often in the apartment while I’m engaging in the behavior. It feels like a giant ***** you.

ALSO, I just realized that I also like my relationship with Chris because he not only accepts my sexual behavior, but he LIKES it.

[Sannah]

Very insightful. Good work!

[Gr3tta]

it looks like you did a great job of looking at what you're doing with chris. good job! i'm wondering if you want to change your relationship w/chris? or if you just want to understand it better? (you don't have to answer that unless you want to, it was just the question that came to my mind)
sex can make me feel: powerful, manipulative, safe, in control, praised, validated, safe from punishment, wanted, needed.
it can also make me feel: used, scared, abused, out of control, removed, alone, lonely, scared, in pain, in danger.
i'm not very successful yet, but i'm working as hard as i can to eliminate both of these lists. i just want sex to make me feel closer to the person i love. i feel like that's what it's supposed to do, and that's my goal. instead of all the other conflicting feelings.
good luck to you - i hope whatever your personal goal is in looking at these feelings, that you reach it.