Fear

I just got to thinking, and I don't know how to handle my fears of abandonment when it comes to dude, I keep expecting to be abandonded, to be left hanging with no formal goodbye,

This takes such a toll on me, I get anxious, and pariond, and to the point I'll start getting angry at him for no real reason, I've learned to not take it out on him, but it still affects me, and I don't know how to control it or to work through it without causing great mental distres to myself

*sighs* Maybe I"m just never going to learn, Maybe I"m stuck this way forever....

((((((((((( Typo ))))))))))))

What you are understanding about yourself is so key for healing. When a person has been through what you have been through, there really is no choice besides trying to figure out how to not get hurt again.

For me, one of the saddest days of my life was when I realized in my heart of hearts that there will never again be a time or person I will trust 100%. It just will never happen.

But that realization also allowed me to see that I could be happy with being able to trust my best friend about 90% and I could trust co-workers about 80% The thing was that I had to accept that life had been changed for me. The rules were changed on me and no-one bothered to consider the impact such trauma would have on a child. I can never go back to the time of trusting at 100%. But I could allow myself a bit of joy knowing that not everyone was always evil. There were some days when the sun could shine.

You have a choice you have to make along the path to your healing. You are going to be able to see the scars on your soul which though they may fade with time, will remain. But you have a choice to move forward and find ways to enjoy what trust you can find when you can find it.

Are you working in therapy on all that you discussed in your last 2 posts Typo?

yes Sannah, T says she wants to see me get excited about things, that I spend too much time wrapped up in fear, that I deserve to have happiness and enjoy things, She gave me the homework assignment of making a list of positive things about mine and dude's realtionship, and when the negative starts coming in to refer to that list and help combat the negative with the positive true things.

And I think T is right, I should enjoy and be excited that somebody loves me and wants me in their life. I should be excited about my life and the things in it, yeah I have my demons and they snap, growl, bite, but I don't have to focus on them all the time, I'm going to school, getting my degree, I'm feeling more confident in myself, I"m taking better care of myself, and I'm making sure I get out a lot more on the weekends and having a bit of fun with my friends, and it's okay to do that, I don't have to live in fear, I don't have to focus on just the bad things.

Maybe I"m learning after all?

One of the things I've most enjoyed about you for as long as I've known you is your enthusiasm. It's "catching," too, I find. How come T hasn't been seeing that -- are you being careful around her or something?

Or does she mean she wants you to expand it into other areas that you've been less excited about?

lol I think it's the second one Fooze

I reserve my enthusaism in certain arenas like my relationship for example (boy this relationship is sure getting thrown around a lot isn't it? maybe it's because it brings up so many lingering issues for me?) I'm scared to get excited over it because I fear being let down and abandonded or hurt, so if I set my standards of enthusaism low, I'll be thrilled when it even turns out the least bit better than my low expections...

Sometimes the high road and the low road can look surprisingly similar:
Meanwhile Pema Chodron says:

Our next slogan is "Abandon any hope of fruition." You could also say, "Give up all hope" or "Give up" or just "Give." The shorter the better.

One of the most powerful teachings in the [snip] tradition is that as long as you are wishing for things to change, they never will. As long as you're wanting yourself to get better, you won't. As long as you have an orientation toward the future, you can never just relax into what you already have or already are.

-- Start where you are: a guide to compassionate living, Chapter 16

It just might turn out that you're actually doing some very smart things, all the while thinking you must be doing them for dumb reasons.

Woo Hoo! I like your list! Good work!!