How is it...? (Trigger for SA)

I just don't know right now. At my last appt with T, some stuff came up about possible SA. There were definite boundary violations between my father and I, and I was certainly uncomfortable...but didn't know how to express my discomfort. Now I am wondering if more happened than I am remembering?

In T, we got to a point where one of my little parts was discussing how we would go in the jacuzzi with our father, at night and we would watch for shooting stars and satellites. Then we remembered that there were times when the father wouldn't wear clothes in the jacuzzi...and that he would let us walk on him and he'd hold us in his lap....

Then we broke down and our little part said that she couldn't remember and sobbed that she didn't want to talk about it anymore. This was Saturday....this whole weekend...it's like we haven't existed...we are stuck in little land and she is hurting and scared. All of us are.

I don't know what to believe of myself. Most of the physical abuse and emotional abuse I have fragmented photographic snapshots in my mind...and I trust them to tell me that what I went through was real. This is different though...

How is it that my mind has fragmented my memory of the physical abuse and emotional abuse and allowed me snapshots of it in my mind...yet only my body can remember the potential SA I experienced at the hands of my father? I say potential SA because I have no snapshots of it....but my body remembers. My body has ghost feelings....like being able to still feel your foot six months after having it amputated. My body feels sensations that I do not believe I have ever experienced before and I don't know why. I don't know what they mean.

I don't know if these body memories are enough to conclude that it occurred. Why can't I have snapshots...that way I would be more certain. Not that I really want it to be certain.

It hurts so bad. I "feel" (sensory) like it happened. And have limited evidence that supports it...but then again not really. I'm so confused.

How do I get over this hurdle. How do I validate these sensory memories when I don't have a visual memory to back it up.

Sorry for the redundancy....I am just emotionally in shock right now and I don't know if I can believe myself...or if I even should.

But would my own body lie to me?

ty for sharing this.

I have similar ghosts and sensations that bother me and frighten me.

No, I dont think our bodies would lie to us.

Just because we don't remember doesnt' necessarily mean nothing happened.

I think someone talked about 'body memories' and "cell memory".

That's what this is probably.

ty,

Billi

maybe you'll get those fragments later down the line...

I mean, I was technically having a body memory since I was a kid and I didn't even know what it was, it was just something I accepted as something weird that happens to me. I didn't start feeling more of them until maybe a year or two ago, and I have very few fragments at all (Like...2? Maybe?) and those didn't happen until within this year. Neither of them (body memories and fragments) are good enough for me, even when they are put together. I am the kind of person who needs hardcore undeniable proof.

(((((( Elysium ))))))) sending you BIG hugs! What you describe is similar to what I have been going through in my own trauma work. The body remembers what the mind had to forget. T told me it was because the mind of a child is not equiped to handle the sx issues. It is also not able to handle the emotional betrayal that this sort of thing has with it. Somewhere in your heart when you were that age, you KNEW what was going on FELT wrong. You felt that because your father KNEW it was wrong. And kids pick up on the emotional energy of a parent even if they don't know logically what it is that they should be experiencing or why. They "cue" from the parent. It happens all the time if a parent has a stranger come to the door and they are holding a baby. The parent has a shift of being on-guard... baby feels the tension and so baby starts to also be tense... baby cries... parent realizes it is a friend and they relax... baby feels the relaxation of the parent... baby starts to calm down.

Thank you for posting your question because you just helped me find my own answer as I replied to you. Hope this helps!

When you are ready you can continue to pursue this and find out where it leads?