(This was copied and pasted from another website where I post, under the same username. The only changes are where I took out the board-specific terms and abbreviations and replaced them with the standard words. I brought it here to maybe get a wider variety of observations.)

Has anyone ever received an actual apology from an abuser?

I think I got one once. I was around 10 years old, and being into old books, I had called my younger brother something I thought was only another word for "weirdo." I didn't know there was a different meaning for "queer" until my mother called me to her side, and as soon as I was within her reach, gave me a hard slap in the face. Later she realized I hadn't meant what she thought I'd meant, and apologized--but now that I think of it, I was the one who had brought it up and asked her why she did it. Somehow I doubt she would have *volunteered* an apology, if I hadn't said anything. Also, her exact words were, "It's hard for parents to admit when they're wrong." I took it as a genuine apology because she was leaving open the possibility that she HAD been wrong, and she did look sorry. But, was it a real apology after all?

Usually, I got the "I'm sorry, but..." type of apology. On one occasion my mind had gone blank. Although I could have repeated what she was saying, word for word, those words simply didn't register. I couldn't comprehend what she was telling me to do, and I kept getting it wrong. (There's a fancy medical name for that, other than "brain fart," but I don't know it right now.) Finally, in frustration, she slapped me not once but several times, while yelling at me, "You are such a stupid little girl!" A few minutes later I got, "I'm sorry I slapped you like that, but I was being clear, and you should have understood me." This in a stern tone of voice, her body language disciplinary, bent forward with the pointed finger, as if she was scolding me. Not sympathetic or regretful at all. I didn't accept it then, and I don't accept it now. I can't. It's not an actual apology.

Oh, those slaps... so many over the years. If asked, my mother will say she "might have" slapped me a "couple of times" during my childhood. I assure you there is no "might have" about it, and in addition.... a COUPLE OF TIMES? How about, anytime I said something other than "yes ma'am" when she spoke? Showed an emotion such as, God forbid, anger? Asked a question she couldn't answer without admitting she'd made a mistake somewhere? Vocalized an opinion that differed from hers? She'll justify such things with, "If there's anything I can't stand, it's a smart-aleck kid," which of course she defines as "anyone younger than I am who disagrees with me." Or, like that incident I described above, if I wasn't quick to understand something, I got an angry "Now, THINK!" accompanied by a slap. Maybe I was too *frightened* to think, in such an environment?

And, a conversation we had once on this subject:

Present: Me, my mother, my ex-husband, my daughters, and a mental health professional.

Me: (already carefully choosing my words to paint her in the least damaging light possible) I remember once, you were taking a nap, and you didn't know that J (my older brother) had me pinned down and was tickling me. (My mother herself hates to be tickled, we both consider it physical torture, and I expected her to empathize with me here.) All you heard was E (my younger brother) telling me to be quiet because I'd wake you up, and I'm screaming, "I don't care, I don't care!" Then you came out of your room, slapped my face, and said, "Young lady, you'd BETTER care if you wake me up!"

Mother: (jaw drops) Oh, you have SUCH AN IMAGINATION about those things!

Me: But you didn't know I was being tickled. I'm sure if you had known, you would have....

Mother: But I would never slap you.

My ex: One time my father whipped me with a belt for saying the f-word. I was six years old and didn't know what it meant. He doesn't remember doing it.

Me: It was just a mistake. All parents make mistakes.

Mother: But it's just not my nature. I wouldn't do such a thing.

Denial, denial, denial. I think it's safe to say that everyone in the room believed it happened, except her.

[Evening]

My mother apologised for abusing me, I know that she genuinely meant it. It was only a recent thing, a few weeks ago. She I said 'I'm sorry I was a bad mother' and she started crying. I know she didn't mean to do the things she did, she couldn't take care of herself let alone another person.
Her boyfriend that abused me also 'apologised' to me while he was in jail. He only did so to keep my mother around until he got out and could start all over again. He knew that him being in jail for 9 months was going to be the time that my mother realised what he had done and would leave him, so he wrote her sappy letters, he apologised a million times, blah blah blah. Then one day I came home and there was a letter sitting there for me. I've got it typed out on the computer too, here's an excerpt-

''You have good reason to be angry with me.

I have no excuse for my irresponsible behaviour, my reckless anger as a ....... to a spoilt brat who had no consideration for other people.

If you do not wish to read any further I would understand.

I deserve all the rejection of your Grace and understanding I get Amy if you decide to ignore this letter. It's I who is to blame. It's all my own doing. I have only myself to blame for not being in my right mind. To have behaved the way in which I have in the recent past. Sorry would never be enough from me to You. Not even a breath to being good enough for what You rightly deserve from me.
If you are still reading, thank you, it is more than I deserve taking account of my actions in the past. I am truly frightened to know what to write, because I am in fear of being rejected, being cut off from You. Being cut off from Your forgiveness, from ever being able to enjoy Your company, to see Your Beautiful Bubbly smile again. For Your forgiveness truly means everything to me, more than You may realise. I have wanted to write to you each and every day, but have been to frightened to know what to say and to know where to start.''


That's the first paragraph, and it goes on for 5 more pages. Did he mean any of it? Nope. Did he change when he got out? Nope. Did he ever tell me the things he said in the letter to my face? Nope. Did he do all the things he promised in the letter? Nope. Did he really give a crap about me? Nope.

I didn't fall for any of it, but sadly my mother did, and as soon as he got out it started all over again.

It's funny how a simple 'I'm sorry for what I did' can make up for so much, but a five page sappy letter of apologies and crap about God can be nothing more that some paper and bad spelling.

[Vibe]

I have trouble taking apologies seriously. My dad would often apologize after blowing up on me. Then the next day he could blow up and apologize again. It was just part of the cycle we went through, and the apologies were never for me. They probably just made him feel better at the moment. Whether he was saying sorry or not never changed what was happening. As far as I'm concerned actions speak louder than words, and that's all apologies are. I have trouble feeling that there is any substance behind the words.

apologies dont mean much of anything to us anymore sadly

[QUEEN OF WANDS]

my mother never really physically abused me,(other abuse/neglect)but she would let her boyfriends punish me. i was not a bad child.she had sick boyfriends.i never got an apology,i got sent out of the room usually.it was military style punishment or so i heard.and there were belts.my brother got the main abuse.one time i was 4 or 5 and my brother had poked a hole through the plastic covering the windows during the winter,all 3 children got whipped with a belt because my brother would not admit to it.later my mother did speak up and say he should apologize to us 2 girls but he was adamant that it had been the right thing to do.she was with this boyfriend on and off for 9 years.from the abuse i experienced with the boyfriend brothers i believe the whole family was sadistic.i dont think anyone would ever get an apology from people like them. i also had an abuser tell me he did not remember anything that should upset me....