Just another vent...

I finally realised why I have been avoiding everyone and not talking to a lot of my friends or family. It was initially because I was so upset that barely anyone I knew made any effort to acknowledge me when I was feeling down. Then it took up to 2 months for some of them to even realise I hadn’t been around.
But my seclusion from everyone has lasted a lot longer than I expected and I’ve been thinking about why. I haven’t answered the phone when my grandparents have tried to call me occasionally, and I thought about whether or not I should. Then it occurred to me- I am so ashamed of myself and feel so unwanted that I don’t want to talk to anyone.
What have I got going for myself? Nothing. I have no job, I can’t even get a job because of course nobody wants me. I never do anything, I am getting so exhausted from doing nothing that I can’t even get to the shops and back. I never get invited anywhere. I don’t go on Facebook anymore, I actually get nervous going on there because I don’t want to read about how everyone has great lives, seeing people, travelling, working, blah blah blah.
I get incredibly jealous of people in relationships now, I even sussed out someone’s boyfriend the other day to see if he was shady just so I’d feel better knowing I’m not missing out. I’m really lonely. I could never admit to anyone I know that I want a relationship. I can barely admit that to myself.

Still nobody comes to see me, it’s got to the point that I actually don’t enjoy people coming over because I’ve forgot how to talk to people. I can’t get a job, I can’t have a relationship, I have barely any friends, barely anyone has noticed that I haven’t been around. I think about why it doesn’t just end now, maybe someone with a LIFE can live in this house and make something of themselves with the government support I receive. I’m just a hassle and a waste of space. I was never welcome, the only reason I am alive is because my parents are drunks and got together for 3 months.
I’m too ashamed to talk to anyone, I’m just an embarrassment. All I want is a job to have some money, get some energy and get me out of the house and I can’t even do that. I’m too ashamed to walk into a store and ask for a job because I can’t bare to be rejected.
I want people to want to see me without me having to ask them, I want THEM to see ME. Not ME wait around for THEM to see me. But I could wait for months and nobody would show.

So I’ve been avoiding people because I feel like a worthless failure. It’s not like I’ve ever been wanted in the past by anyone. Everyone rejected me, I never had friends, I was always made fun of. My mothers abusive boyfriends sole mission was to get rid of me so he could have her to himself, and my mother chose him over me, so I moved in with my aunty. Then she got sick of me too, so I had to go back. My mothers boyfriend still kept his mission of trying to get rid of me, and nobody tried to help me. They weren’t interested in helping me. Then my mother chose alcohol over me so I had to live on my own when I was 17. My neighbours didn’t want me, they thought I was going to be no good. I used to call my grandparents all the time just for someone to talk to because nobody ever came to see me, but one day my grandfather called and told me to stop calling all the time. So I was rejected again. My cousin moved in with my mother and they did drugs together, she said if I ever wanted to come back I had to sleep on the couch because my old room was my cousins room now. He was dealing drugs and had been in jail, he was only 16. He was dealing drugs to my mother. He’d stolen from my family, he’d disappeared to another state. What did I do? Nothing. Yet poor him, his mother went and rented a unit with only one bedroom so he had to stay with my mother. In her words, ‘no wonder he feels so unloved’. Oh poor cousin, having to have his own bedroom and his own bed with someone who welcomes him after he beat someone up and went to jail and started dealing drugs. He was so much more deserving than me, that’s why I was sleeping on wooden boards, living on $79 a fortnight, because I did nothing. Maybe I should have sold my mother some weed or beat the **** out of someone.

I’ve thought about punishing myself by going out and having sex with the next guy who asks. Maybe I should just get drunk, I’ve never drank before, but everyone who does seems to have a lot of friends.
I keep thinking about what it is that makes people not want me so much. I’ve never done bad things, but people who have done terrible things like drugs and breaking the law and abusing are totally welcome. Perhaps it’s just me in general. I must give off some sort of vibe that makes people want to stay away.

There is nothing I can say I’ve achieved that I can say I am proud of, oh so maybe I always talk about how I got a sponsorship to America for a month, I didn’t have to pay anything, it was all taken care of. What a great time I had over there, I want to go back again.
But of course I’d never mention the fact that nobody there liked me. I’d never talk about the time we went camping and when everyone paired off I was the only one standing and had to sleep alone. I’d never mention how when everyone was in the van I was always the last person anyone sat next to. I’d never mention how on the last day there we were taking photos of the seals and when I finished taking photos I turned around and everyone had left me by myself, in the middle of San Francisco. I’d never talk about how I’d sit in the shower and cry until I threw up because I felt so unwanted by everyone there. I only talk about the animals I saw and the places I went and the pictures I took.

I don't know what I can even do anymore, I can't stand myself as a person. I guess I don't blame everyone really.

Feel free not to respond to this, I just needed to get it off my chest.

(((Evening))) I just saw your post but I can't spend too much time writing, because I have to pick up my girls for an orthodontist appt. I'm sorry you're feeling so sad and bad about yourself. It's takes a lot of courage to move out on your own, since your mom wasn't providing a nurturing place for you.

I know you love animals - could you apply for a job in a vet office. Do you have plans for college? It's also takes courage not to do drugs and drink like your mother has. Please don't be tempted to drink - it's bad for you. Maybe you could volunteer for your local humane society. If you like your grandparents - give them a call. I think you need a mentor - someone you can talk to since that seems to be lacking in your family. This feeling of not fitting in, is because you're not a druggy and most drug addicts are too self involved to care about anyone. Remember you're a good person with a good head on your shoulders, making wise choices

Wow! That is some rant and you put your whole heart into it...especially the crying in the shower part. It is like a flash of your life going through my brain. It's as if your depression was talking to me. But you did do something, you reached out and somebody heard you!

I have applied everywhere for jobs, nobody wants me. I have been working with animals since I was 9, there is nothing else for me to do. You name it I've done it. I have studied, and now I can't return because the way the government works, I will get paid $100 less per fortnight to study full time than to sit here all day and do nothing, and if I get a job they will cut my government payments back for that as well. There is no way I can work enough hours to keep up with what the government is cutting back to support myself, and study full time. I can't study anymore.

I don't want to talk to my grandparents right now, I get irritated so easily by them and I don't know why. Also when my mother has told them I haven't wanted to talk to people lately they have apparently got a bit nasty (pulling faces, etc.). Plus I have resentments (really towards my grandfather more than my grandmother).
I am also upset that when I went on a protest with a friend about some environmental stuff, everyone found out, my aunty told my grandmother, my grandmother told my mother, my mother told me. Yet when I spend days saying that I am really down and need someone to talk to, NOBODY in my family said a single word to me.

I don't know who I'm more angry at, other people or myself.

I think I'd end up going on all day, but I've been finding it very hard to even know what to say. I'm so confused about how I feel, and why I feel that way. it's taken me two months to even realise than it's probably more my shame of being a failure as a person than my anger that nobody cared when I needed it.
I don't understand how bad people were more welcome than me. I don't understand how substances were more important than me. I'm tired of friends saying they will see me more often and then I don't hear from them. Because they have jobs and lives. I just lie in bed all day. Sometimes I don't leave the house for days at a time and when I go outside it literally feels surreal. I haven't even been in my backyard for months.

Evening, I'm sorry! Sounds like your family is just dysfunctional. Dysfunctional families are maddening! You definitely need a plan, though. What can you do for you? What positive things can you do for yourself?

I see lots of stuff you can do. Do you like to garden? It can be very theraputic and you have a big back yard. There is volunteer work which would be great because you can choose...animals or people. It does sound like your family has not treated you right. What's up with your relationship with your grandfather? Drugs and alcohol isn't the way to go. People do those things to escape their problems. It doesn't work. Makes it worse. You want to work on self-esteem. Hang in there.

I'm so confused about how I feel, and why I feel that way.
Evening I too feel this way and I'm working on it. It's very hard and draining at times but I know it's best for me and I'm trudging along. I would recomend a journal to write your thought in addition to PC.

it's taken me two months to even realise than it's probably more my shame of being a failure as a person than my anger that nobody cared when I needed it.
You are a survivor and you are here. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You deserved to be cared for and it's up to you - we are here and please keep posting on PC.

I don't understand how bad people were more welcome than me.
I too felt this way about my childhood. I had a brother that was arrested involved in drugs etc... He was given everything and I was givin scraps. My mother did everything to protect him and help him and when I asked for a simple hug (I was told to never ask for anything) in a time of despare I was given a shout of 'toughen up'.

I don't understand how substances were more important than me. Substances aren't more important than you. Addicts are addicts and the substance they abuse is all that matters. I felt this way at times as child. I had a mother that drove stone drunk with us in the car on a couple of occasions (she has a drinking problem) and my father gambled -we lived in a less than great home that is falling apart as we speak (my children have never been inside his home ever and never will).

My heart goes out to you Evening. Please don't be self destructive. I too am fighting some 'impulses' to do things that can only destroy my life but I'm still here and I'm not going to let the bastards win. You need to find that little voice inside that says you are going to make things better. Start small and things will grow into something bigger and better.

If I could hug you through the screen I would right now.

Evening i just checked out your blog. Beautiful photography!!!! - Do you sell your work? Do you work as a professsional photographer or have you considered being one?

Bravo!

Honestly, I have lost my enthusiasm for everything. There are things I would like to do, I just can't do it. I can't even force myself to it. I can't clean my house so I always ask my mother to come because just having someone IN my house boosts my energy and motivation levels hugely. I just feel so lonely and unwanted that it drains me. My mother came the day before to help clean a bit, but when she came yesterday she said she didn't want to clean and would come back in a day or 2. I told her to forget it, she always does that. She always says she will come and never does, or lets go do something and then on the day she won't want to go. She is meant to be buying me a viola but all I want to do right now is to tell her to forget it.

I do like to garden and I have a lot of plants at my house, but I don't have anything to garden with. There is a lot of gardening I need to do but I have nothing. I can't afford to get any tools and there is nobody who I can borrow from.

I used to volunteer a lot, but I don't want to do it anymore. I don;t care about it anymore. I don't enjoy it anymore. Partly because I got bored, and partly because I get extremely green eyed over the people who are actually employed.

The one thing I want right now is a job. I'm sick of being hungry, I'm sick of not being able to do stuff, I'm sick of not being able to buy clothes. I have more money than I did in the past, but barely enough to support myself. I am getting tired of people lecturing me on getting a job, I have been avoiding certain people just so that topic doesn't come up with them. I feel extremely ashamed that I can;t live up to people's expectations because of something so simple. I have one friend who is one of those 'you have to have a job and your own home to have a good life' people. She always tells me to get a job at the pub near my house. Because there is nothing I enjoy more than spending time with drunk people.

My grandfather (among others in my family) is an alcoholic. My grandparents house used to be my safe point, I used to go there every weekend, I used to go there when something was wrong. But then my grandfathers drinking escalated. When I was young I was very naive and didn't notice these things, but over the last few years his drinking has got to the point of every night. My grandmother stays up watching television until 2am and everyone in my family is too stupid to realise that it is because she is waiting for him to fall asleep. He even drives drunk now.
When I was 15 we got in a fight about something stupid and he snapped, he ended up beating me up while I was hiding on a chair because I couldn't get away. He punched me and kicked me and grabbed my arm to pull me out of the chair. I have no idea what he was going to do, but knowing that my mother used to be on the floor while he beat her, that's probably what he was going to do to me. Luckily my mother heard me screaming and came to see what was going on. I honestly don't even remember screaming.
We went to my aunties house (where I used to live until she got tired of me being there), and I had bruises and scratches on my legs from where he had kicked me. But my family made excuses. HE was the one dealing with things, He was the one who nearly had a heart attack afterwards, HE is the one who's having a hard time. It was all my fault. One of my cousin's even admitted to me later that she was angry at me about it when she found out and hadn't wanted to speak to me. And the story I've heard from others is slightly different to what actually happened, twisted just enough to look like it was all me.
He still gets angry sometimes, he can be a wanker. I don't hate him, he just makes me feel uncomfortable. He's the only father figure I ever had.

My grandfather has a habit of saying that sort of thing too, or 'don't be so bloody stupid'. I don't think he realises how much it actually hurts. He can have a real 'bossy' or snide way about him when he's in a bad mood. Most people in my family tolerate it, but I never have. Once when we were driving from my auntie's house I asked if we could go see my dad who I knew lived around the corner, and my grandfather wouldn't take me. My father and I don't have a great relationship (but that's a rant for another day), and my grandfather has taken an instant disliking to him. He got angry at me for asking and said no, and we ended up fighting in the car. When he stopped to turn the corner I just jumped out of the car, the ritual for most people is to sit there is silence and just take his crap.
He gets frustrated if I even mention my dad, he's only met my dad once.
My mother said perhaps I could invite him to Christmas with our family, and my grandfather got angry at her and said 'don't just invite people into my house'. If I had invited ANYONE else, if I had said 'I have a friend coming along', he wouldn't have cared in the slightest. It really hurt me.
My father may not be the greatest person on the planet, we may not always get along, but at least he didn't beat me up.

No I don't sell any of it, I'm not a professional. I like to take photos, but my battery recharger is broken (there's a big dramatic story behind THAT too) so I haven't done it in months. The last 2 photos on there aren't mine, the peace sign and the hamster. Photos that have hands on them as a watermark Are mine.
I've been trying to upload more but it didn't work so I have to try again.
I don't enjoy photography as much anymore though because I have a friend who likes photography as well and he was critical about mine. I think he needs to be the best at everything, he has a very subtle way of gloating about himself to sound awesome, and likes to point out when others show any pride in anything they do. Had some photos on Facebook (that wasn't 'photography' as such, just photos of animals I'd seen) and he was picking at every single flaw- 'nice shot, the next challenge is to try and get it in focus!'. I got so worked up about it. It was just another thing I'm not enough for, you know?

[quote=Evening;1389164]I haven't done it in months.
I can relate. I feel like I'm reading a post that is me. I'm an artist that loves to be creative but doesn't make the time or the effort. I feel very insecure about my work.

he last 2 photos on there aren't mine, the peace sign and the hamster.
I recognize the peace sign from FB. The hamster I didn't think was yours. - yes that pic of the hamster is cute but I don't see the skill in it that you have with your own pics!!

Photos that have hands on them as a watermark Are mine. I noticed that. Very smart of you so your pics don't get ripped off.

I've been trying to upload more but it didn't work so I have to try again.
I don't enjoy photography as much anymore though because I have a friend who likes photography as well and he was critical about mine.
I don't have a friend that is critical of my work but I on the other hand am my worst critic and don't feel worthy. Is there an artists community in your area? I've just started to venture out and make contacts with others in my area. It's slow an very intimidating however the people I've met in this community are very warm and welcoming. I just need to find a more social group that doesn't require spending money (a class for example). Is there a community school of the arts in your area?

I think he needs to be the best at everything, he has a very subtle way of gloating about himself to sound awesome, and likes to point out when others show any pride in anything they do. Had some photos on Facebook (that wasn't 'photography' as such, just photos of animals I'd seen) and he was picking at every single flaw- 'nice shot, the next challenge is to try and get it in focus!'. I got so worked up about it. It was just another thing I'm not enough for, you know?

Opinions are like A55 holes. Everyone has one and thinks everyone elses stinks. You are very talented!!

I was wondering if this is about the parent being codependent and this is why they take care of the substance abuser and not the person who is really asking for the healthy attention (which probably freaks them out like crazy)?

Interesting thought Sannah. Funny in a way but I feel like my mother was always in competition with me. I told her I would marry someone someday who would be helpful around the house etc...She told me I would never get married because it was expected of women to do the work and men don't do those types of things (my father didn't lift a finger to help my mom other than to maybe shovel the snow and rake leaves - then it was our job 'the kids job'). I then told her then I would never be married but at least I would be happy

Sorry for the download - not trying to hijack this thread

I don't sell any of it, I'm not a professional. I like to take photos, but my battery recharger is broken (there's a big dramatic story behind THAT too) so I haven't done it in months.

Evening did you take a photography class once? Are you a former art student? Is this all self taught?

I am educated in art and have been creating since the age of eight. I've had some of my work in gallaries - You have great talent! You have a great eye!

You also don't need an art degree to be an artist! There are online communities out there to sell your work and to get positive feedback. You could also sell your current work as stock photography or sell the prints online. There is a creative forum on this site were people may know of some sites to recomend? I've seen a few here and there but none that I know/can remember the names of right now.

Perhaps you could sell some prints and perhaps fix your camera? Do you have a birthday coming up? Perhaps that's something your mom could help you with? It's important to find a community out there to help you in your real life. It's hard to stay motivated to be creative when you don't have a positive creative person to share things with.

Have you tried drawing or painting? Drawing is a very inexpensive way to be creative. If your interested there's a great book called: "How to draw with the right side of your brain". For anyone who's interested in learning how to draw (anyone can draw BTW it's just a matter of learning how to look at things).


I got so worked up about it. It was just another thing I'm not enough for, you know?

I've felt that way before to Evening (and i'm getting up the courage to express myself even thought I feel insecure). I can understand your friend critiquing your work if you ask for his opinion but to be rude and make comments to boast his own self esteem is because he has low self esteem. He sees something in you that is talented and great and he wants that. There are people I know who are like that and take every opportunity to put others down so to make themselves feel good.

Many hugs

I do art occasionally but I never show anyone, and I am too critical, you know, the 'not good enough' thing again... I can't paint, I only do pencil drawings.

We don't have hamsters in Australia so I couldn't have taken it anyway...

I don't think I'll get ripped off, they aren't that great that anyone would try and take them. But I am overly protective of my belongings (to the point I stress when someone is in another room in my house), so I added it to say they are mine mine mine!!!

I don't know if there is anything like that here, I don't have any hobbies that I stick to, plus I feel like nobody wants me anyway so I don't really want to join anything. I'm sick of people not liking me, I'm sick of being rejected.

I have never done a photography class no, well, in highschool if that counts. Photography is not what I do for a living, I am in the animal industry, it's where I've always been. Although lately I can't even get a job. I just want to give up on it. I used to give advice in the pet forum but I'm kind of over it now. It won't get me a job. I only give advice on there because it fills my void of not having a job to give people advice.

My camera isn't broken as such, I just need a new battery charger. I would like a new camera though, the one I have is only 6MP which isn't a high resolution, so I can't print anything bigger than A3 size.
My birthday is in January, it's just another day to me, I get maybe one phone call from my grandparents and my mother might come to see me and that's it. Every year I kind of wish someone would do something for me but nothing ever happens. I actually have a birthday curse, every year something goes horribly wrong. On my 21st birthday I was meant to go on a mini road trip with 3 friends, but my friends car broke down literally hours before we were going to go. Then I found someone in my family who said I could use their car, but my friend wouldn't answer his phone so I could tell him. One of my friends showed up anyway to make me feel better, my other 2 friends never called to say happy birthday. Then one of my dads friends called me in the middle of the night trying to find out why I don't want to see him, she said 'you know he has cancer don't you, do you care about that?', then she tried to arrange for the 3 of us to catch up to talk.
Then the next day my friend who stayed the night tried to find somewhere we could go camping but LITERALLY every caravan park in the entire place was booked out.
I had a party a few weeks later as well, but that ended in a screaming match and me leaving my own party in tears.

That was the worst birthday yet, so I kind of gave up after that. There's no point of it really, I get one phone call and one present, it just goes to show how many people out there are wrapped about the fact I was born.

Sorry for all the negativity, I just really hate myself lately. I don't even feel like I'm going to live very much longer, maybe a few more years. And I'm going to be alone. You know when I was feeling suicidal a few months ago (when my downer all started) I realised that if I died, it would take between 2 weeks and 3 months for anyone to know. My mother comes once a fortnight to give me a bus ticket and a little bit of money, if I didn't answer the door she would probably just stick it under the door and leave. And I have inspections every 3 months. And the fact I haven't been around lately and it's taken some people up to 2 months to even notice. Nobody would know if I died right now. Nobody. I was on Facebook for days talking about how crap I felt, that maybe the world would be a happier place if I didn't exist, four people cared. No family members raised any alarm. They don't care. I could be lying here for weeks and they wouldn't raise the alarm because they don't care about me. I'd just be lying here for weeks, like I already do anyway. You have no idea how lonely that makes me feel.

Evening, I'm really sorry that you feel so extremely lonely.

i can so relate to how you feel so neglected , unwanted , like there is something about me that makes me repulsive , untouchable , like and alien from some other planet and even then i would be the lone alien on that planet out there . I am not good with explaining things or words , but growing up with so many bad things happening , so many , most people cannot comprehend , except a very few maybe . I feel defective , ugly, brain damaged (at least that is how it seems cause everything is so hard for me ) . I would never have a baby even if there was some wonderful man because there are to many bad things i see in myself , in my family. I dont have to worry about that luckily i guess . Maybe its to hard to make any sense out of all these words. Everything is so jumbled , swimming in my head. Numb and at the same time the deep painful wounds. I feel 80 percent of the population must be sociopaths. There is no understanding .