[AtreyuFreak]

I could be making mountains out of molehills here (or completely misreading things altogether), but I may have remembered something worth looking into. As a young child, I had a number of babysitters. One, Vicki something, treated me like a toddler/infant even at 5 years old. I remember Mike (my brother/abuser, whom I was supposedly inseperable from at that age) frequently urging me (and coaching me on how to) climb out of the playpen/crib I'd often be put in...I think we'd them hide from Vicki for as long as possible--like a scared hiding, not a playful sort. One particular incident is rather distressing to me: I was lying on the couch, Vicki changing my diaper; I was screaming bloody murder, then my parents arrived to take me home. Why, at 5 years old, was I in diapers? I didn't have any bedwetting problems. And even if I had, why would I be in diapers during the day? A 5 year old should be quite used to using the bathroom, and this is the only time that I remember being changed at that age. (It is quite possible that she was doing something else, but I remembered it as similar to having my diaper changed...)

It's worth mentioning that, upon remembering Vicki, my heart rate skyrocketed and I began hyperventilating instantly. Again, I could be psyching myself out for nothing. But there's gotta be something (other than the CSA by my brother) that made me DID--and something that made Michael an abusive, rage-filled, child narcissist. He's 2 years older, so he might remember some things I don't. Unfortunately, that means I'd have to make a deal with the devil...and hope it wouldn't cost me my soul.

ALSO--me and my mother ran into Vicki in a Walgreens or some similar store when I was in my early teens. My mom urged me to say hi to her; I remember being so creeped out by her, to the point of almost having a panic attack. She was just a very eerie, creepy woman...and her husband was an overweight, drunk, scary-quiet/serious *ss. Plus I hardly remember anything else about Vicki or the time she babysat us.

THOUGHT: What if the CSA by my brother was just "mastery play" (to him)? Him trying to make sense of something that happened to him by reenacting it with me?

About all I do remember (except what I've just mentioned) is that Harlow, a boy from my class at school, and his little brother Nathaniel were also babysat by Vicki on occasion while we were there. Being as I can fairly easily recall me and Harlow playing with those wooden toy trains that link together by round magnets on either end, I think it safe to say that (if anything happened) it didn't occur when Harlow and Nathaniel were there.

Except the memory of Vicki changing my diaper (or whatever), almost everything took place in the basement (like playing with Harlow, sneaking out of my playpen, hiding, etc.)

Anyway...just wanted some feedback on what I can do to remember more (or if I should just let it go?)...or your own similar experiences, words of comfort, telling me I'm an idiot and I'm imagining stuff...whatever comes to mind. Thanks.

[Sannah]

Hey Atre, I can certainly understand your need to figure out what happened to you. I think that you are doing fine trying to remember. Maybe eventually more will come to mind if you continue to approach it all in a relaxed manner. Good luck to you.

[Gr3tta]

Thanks for sharing this, AtreyuFreak. I also have DID, and have very spotty memories of a lot of my past. I think this is somewhat "normal" for abuse survivors of all kinds, and particularly for those of us with DID. So you are not alone in experiencing this.
A lot of the memories that I have recovered were not necessarily experienced by me (Emma) but by one of my alters. Do you have good internal communication? I recommend you extend these questions to all (or some of) your selves, to work together towards answers, if this is possible for you.
It sounds like you do not wish to have contact with your brother (this is Michael?) and if he is not safe, then do not. However, if you feel safe to, you might look for some of the other children she babysat. You wouldn't have to be specific, you could just ask if they recall anything unusual happening when she sat for them. Please only consider doing this if it is safe to do so, I only suggest it if confirmation of events is very important to you.
I do not believe you are imagining things, trust yourself, trust your memories. And I certainly do not think you're an idiot! I think you are being very brave in searching through your past to find answers. I hope you will have an enlightening and safe journey.
Safest 's to you, and all within you!
~Emma

[AShadow721]

I have "new" memories all the time and usually only small pieces of an event. You know, some come out and I push them back and then they come back years later. I would think something triggered the memory. I would think that talking to your alters would help you to piece your memories together if your communication is open and they are willing to talk. But for me, I have absolutely no communication between mine, so I have to let my "new" memories go. I know there's not a likely chance I'll remember. The one time I tried to talk to an alter about a piece of a "new" memory, I was screamed and cursed at, so I gave up. If they think you're strong enough to know at this point, they'll probably help you remember, but if not they'll do their job to protect you and the memory of the event for your own good, until you're ready.