[writingwithink]

I asked of someone this week: What was I supposed to learn from my childhood abuse? I asked it on the basis of believing in fate; however, I don’t know if I believe in fate or not, so I’m not sure why I asked it that way. A response I got was: “What did you learn? Good topic for journaling.”

As a result, this week I’ve been thinking about the difference between “supposed to learn” and “did you learn.”

At this point, I don’t know what I was supposed to learn. I will discover that as I continue on my spiritual journey, I presume. And regarding what I did learn: That has evolved over the years.

Earlier in life:
I learned to be afraid.
I learned to do physically hurtful things.
I learned what it felt like to have hate trapped in my soul.
I learned what it felt like to want to kill someone.

I know now, decades later, what I’ve learned is different than the list above because the latter three are no longer with me. My learnings, though, are scattered throughout different parts. Some learned to be compassionate. Some remain afraid.

I’d be interested in hearing your response to one or both of these questions.

What were you supposed to learn from your abuse?

What did you learn from your abuse?

[Sannah]

I don't think abuse is for the purpose of learning something. I believe that people get abused because they had the misfortune of an abuser having access to them.

After abuse, however, there is a lot to learn in order to heal and recover. Abuse teaches you all sorts of unhelpful behaviors and when a person is in abusive situations this means that they didn't learn good skills (because abusive people are too sick to teach good skills plus they don't have these good skills themselves).

[NuckingFutz]

What was I suppose to learn from the abuse? Nothing...abuse does not have a lesson, only a perp and a vic. What I learned as a result of the abuse? I could write a book about that, but the main thing is that the abuse isn't about the victim at all. It's about the abuser's horrific coping skills.

[Perna]

I don't think there's a suppose to learn as I think abuse was just individual experiences in my life, equal to other experiences. I do not lump each experience together into "abuse", that makes my experience too weighted in any particular direction. It matters to me if my abuser(s) were not feeling well one day or was disappointed or angry with me or all the wealth of other feelings we each have. Each experience was a piece of their life too and not all I interpret as abuse would the other person interpret that way or other, independent observers, etc. My life is all I have and is my unique individual experience, based wholly on my interpretation. By the way, my sky is green

I learned I am strong and a survivor. I learned I am an individual. I learned I am equal to others and my life is what I see and interpret it to be. Yes, I was hit in the face. Yes I was raged at by a parent when I was a child and had an adult touch me sexually inappropriately. I have felt humiliation, embarrassment, fear, terror, anxiety, panic, most of the negative emotions a human in capable of feeling: http://www.eqi.org/cnfs.htm

Some of them came from my experiences with abuse. I have learned I am human. I have learned everyone else is, including those who abused me are/were, too.

[Typo]

I don't think I was suppose to learn something from my abuse, however that doesn't mean I didn't learn things, like the things you listed I learned those. I learned what the most toxic and hateful anger in life is, I learned to be afraid, I learned to not trust. I learned what hate was.

But, I think I learned other things, this may sound crazy, but I believe in balance, there is a ying and yang to everything, there is a bad and good, a light and dark to every situation. I learned to be compassionate, I learned the things I NEVER want to be. I learned patience, for myself and others through years of having to heal and piece myself back together. I learned that there is evil, god awful venmous evil in this world, but I also learned there is love, wonderful amazing love and support in people, and I think I appreicate that more because of the horrors I lived through.

My T asked me once if I could change anything in my life would I? I instantly answered no, I didn't even think on it, because I wouldn't change anything, it sucked, I wouldn't wish the abuse I suffered through on any human being, not even my abuser, but, what I lived through, shaped who I am, and I like me, I like the person I am, the people I have in my life. I think that I may be able to help someon someday, do something for someone to help them, and when that day comes, I have a differnt level of understanding and compassion that most people wouldn't have.

I hope that made sense....

Edit: I wanted to add thank you so much for sharing this writingwithink, I appreciate it. sending peace and serenity to you.

[chaotic13]

At first I learned hate for myself and distrust for others. However, now I've learned that Divine grace applies to me and I'm slowly learning the healing power of unconditional love. I know that probably sounds...stupid to many people but its authentic. In facing my truths..not the false truths that I and others have rationalized, revised, rewritten...I'm slowly learning who *I* am.

[writingwithink]

Like Typo, I wouldn't change anything about my past because every ounce of it has made me who I am today (with the exception of a few parts inside, but eventually they will grow, too). Thank you, Typo, for your comments.

Chaotic, I'm glad you're learning who you are. In my original post I noted the negative things I've learned; however, patience and determination have helped me to transform my bad experiences into a platform for helping others.

Perna, your final line about learning that your abusers were human too stood out most to me. It took a very long time for me to understand how they could have done the things they did. That didn't make it right, it just explained it for me and helped to give me a calmer soul.

Sannah and NF, I hope this post didn't upset you. I've learned so much from my experience, and, many years later, the positive learnings are beginning to outnumber the negative ones.

Peace,
writing

[rartemis]

I don't think I was suppose to learn anything from the abuse, except to be perfect.

What I learned later in life is compassion, empathy, perspective and laughter. But I learned these through recovery.