Notes from old group giving new perspective...

Years back we were in a closed women’s therapy group for survivors. Usually this exercise was done the first meeting of each round of the group. Due to structural disorganization we only have two of these instead of the four or so we did over the time there. We're grateful to have these as records to reflect on to see what life has been like under medicated, undernourished, under the distortions of depression, anxiety/PTSD, denial, and all that other gooey junk that disease/disorder dishes up.

Better living through chemistry for us thanks! Therapy too.

October 2002
I AM
<ul type="square">[*] I AM scared, panicky, agitated.[*]I WONDER if there is any hope of me getting better.[*]I HEAR music and it doesn’t touch me in the same way. This makes me sad.[*]I SEE other people moving through life minus depression and anxiety and I envy them.[*]I WANT to be free of the fear I live with.[*]I AM
[*]I PRETEND that I am okay when I am far from okay.[*]I FEEL uncomfortable in my own skin.[*]I TOUCH my dog and am comforted by her presence, her acceptance.[*]I WORRY about ridiculous ideas of success.[*]I CRY when my heart hurts and my eyes well up—even when I don’t know why.[*]I AM trying to love and accept myself as I am.
[*]I UNDERSTAND that I did what I had to do to survive.[*]I SAY what I can but want to get so much more out.[*]I DREAM of being depression/medication free!![*]I TRY my best each day.[*]I HOPE I am strong enough to fight these battles[*]I AM tired of feeling so walled off from myself.[/list]
October 2003
I AM
<ul type="square">[*] I AM suicidaly sad right now[*]I WONDER if I will last out the year.[*]I HEAR much pain and confusion in the world.[*]I SEE [*]I WANT my life back.[*]I AM trying so hard!!
[*]I PRETEND with my “happy face” it’s all okay.[*]I FEEL rather dead inside or numb most of the time.[*]I TOUCH that dark scary place more often now.[*]I WORRY that I will succumb to suicide.[*]I CRY about how much pain I am in.[*]I AM confused.
[*]I UNDERSTAND this is a process.[*]I SAY [*]I DREAM strange fleeting things.[*]I TRY the best I can at any given time.[*]I HOPE I get better/heal.[*]I AM a survivor.[/list]

Very useful, zh

Here are my responses to those prompts:

I AM confused and confusing

I WONDER when I will feel normal again

I HEAR people around me

I SEE everyone else going on with their lives

I WANT to be part of them

I AM going to make it

I PRETEND nearly all the time

I FEEL walled off, isolated

I TOUCH many but am touched by few

I WORRY endlessly

I CRY too little

I AM locked away

I UNDERSTAND that one day it will be better

I SAY words which few understand

I DREAM in black and white and flashes of light

I TRY to do all I can to recover

I HOPE one day it won't be so hard

I AM defined by those around me.

Wow! Wowee!

My sweetie was just mentioning to me tonight about such things. Like being oneself, or 'on the other side' of issues, etc. I was totally confused.

However, I think you are onto something here. Sweetie keeps saying I'm worthwhile, and I keep looking behind me like...is HE talking to ME?!?

A most excellent post. I will study it, find a way to diss myself with it, and then...perhaps, come up with something helpful! It really is a great way to think about things.

I'm wondering....how would you fill out that form today? (Not requesting an answer.) Just something to think about. (Plus, I love the "I AM" a survivor. Thanks be!)

xoxoxoxo
Shar