Effects of abuse

I would like to share this info with anyone who might be interested in learning more about the long-term effects on people who've been sexually abused as children.

I've found myself having some strong emotions and reactions to the leaving of a friend from the sight due to a controversial thread she started. I believe it may be because I am a sexual abuse survivor and I am playing out the rejection, shame and invalidation involved.

Possible trigger.

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The Effects of Child Sexual Abuse On an Adult Survivor

http://www.coolnurse.com/sexual_abuse_adult.htm

Source: Survivors of Incest Anonymous, Inc

Any sexual contact between a child and a trusted individual that damaged the child, covert or overt, whether flirtation or sexual intercourse, needs to be dealt with assertively. It scars virtually all facets of the victim's life since she or he is left with little or no self-esteem.

At least one out of five boys and one out of four girls will be abused before they reach the age of eighteen. The child’s emotional growth will be stifled at the age of the first attack, and the victim will probably not begin to recover until adulthood, if ever.

Boys, as well as girls, can be victims of sexual abuse. Anyone can be an abuser, especially if he is perceived by the child to be in authority, including brother, uncle, friend of the family, aunt, teacher -- the list is endless. However, for the sake of clarity, we will refer to the victim as a girl and the abuser as her father.

Some of the social maladjustments arising from incest are alcoholism, drug addiction, prostitution and promiscuity. Eating or sleeping disorders, migraines, back or stomach pains are just a few of the physical consequences that a victim may suffer. Food, sex, alcohol and/or drugs deaden painful memories of the abuse and expel reality temporarily. If a victim perceives obesity to be unattractive, and if she believes she was abused because she was pretty, a victim may overeat in a misguided attempt to defend herself from further sexual assault. "I felt like throwing up" is a common response among victims, and bulimia is a way of acting out that feeling. Anorexia is another form of self- punishment, eventually leading to the ultimate self-victimization, suicide.

There are many emotional problems emerging from the abuse, including inability to trust, perfectionism, phobias, avoidance of both intimacy and emotional bonding and more. The denial system that insured her survival as a child now prevents the survivor from enjoying an unencumbered adulthood.

She doesn't trust her own perceptions; she was forced to become an expert in disbelieving her own senses. She tries to convince herself that she overreacted that nothing really terrible happened: "My daddy would never REALLY hurt me." When reality is too painful for a child s mind, she learns to fictionalize. It is extremely painful to give up the fantasy family since children see themselves either in reflected glory or disgraced shadows. Therefore, the victim makes excuses for the abuser: "He was drunk at the time. He had it rough as a child." She takes responsibility for the assaults: "I was too pretty, too sexy." Her father probably reinforced her own nagging guilt and questions she had concerning her own innocence. Essentially, the victim defends her father by minimizing, rationalizing, and taking the blame on herself. If she continues to use these coping mechanisms as an adult, she is set up to be abused in her current relationships. In Survivors of Incest Anonymous, she can learn to accept the fact that she was abused rather than loved by her father. She can then learn to seek out only healthy, loving relationships. She has been accustomed to accepting only crumbs, believing that she does not deserve anything better.

The victim may have parenting problems, always second-guessing her decisions, which is another result of distrusting her own perceptions. A victim may: avoid parenting altogether, try to be a perfect parent, or repeat the abuse. The worst possible consequence is when a victim perpetuates the abuse onto the next generation.

Another repercussion of incest is that victims often regard authority figures with anxiety. Passivity is comfortable because it is familiar, and she may accept familiar misery rather than risk unfamiliar change. An experiment was conducted in which dogs were forced to endure painful electric shocks without any means of escape. A second group of dogs were compelled to endure shocks and quickly escaped when it was possible. When the first group was shocked again, with escape now possible, they did not leave. They had been conditioned to endure pain. This experiment suggests why so many victims were sexually abused as adults by therapists, counselors, doctors or bosses. Victims are accustomed to losing battles and feeling powerless. Victims do not believe they can win. Assertion is a difficult concept for an incest victim.

The victim s inability to trust affects the victim s feelings about members of the opposite sex. Women who have been abused by men will often say, "I don't trust any men, they only want sex." Often, boys abused by more than one male feel compelled to believe they MUST BE homosexual. The assaults have been emotionally or physically pleasurable to the victim and this fact reinforces the suspicion that he himself must be made a homosexual: "Both my uncle and a male teacher were attracted to me, and since it felt good to me, I liked it, so I must be gay." In defense of the abuser, he may say, "I am the one that is gay and my abuser sensed it, that's all."

Another result of the conflicting messages of incest is that many victims confuse sex with affection and love. Many women will say, "The only time my father ever gave me any attention was in bed. I was special to him then. I felt loved." Since she desperately needs validation, this woman is likely to become promiscuous. She needs to know that a promiscuous child is often the result, but never the cause of incest. She believes if someone has sex with her, then he automatically loves her. She has made an unfortunate mistake by confusing sex and love.

When the abuse is physically violent, maybe even painful, she may confuse sex with control and power. A typical comment might be, "When I have sex with someone, I feel like he is controlling my body. I feel that as I respond to him, he is manipulating me, and I am a puppet all over again." This woman may shut off all sexual feelings and retreat from all sexual contact: she fears that no one would validate her.

Survivors who have been abused may display:

a poor self image

sexual acting-out

inability to trust or love others

aggressive and disruptive behavior

anger and rage

self-destructive behavior

self-injury

suicidal thoughts

passive or withdrawn behavior

anxiety and fears

school/job problems or failure

feelings of sadness or depression

flashbacks, nightmares

drug abuse

alcohol abuse

Thank you for reading.

Petunia

((((Petunia)))))

Thanks for sharing. That was a good post.

Theres a lot of me in there.

Vicki
deedee
I don't want to be me anymore
Vicki

Everyone.

I'm sorry this made you sad.

Petunia

((((((Petunia)))))))

You didn't make me sad. Its the truth that makes me sad.

I know...I should've said,

"I'm so damn sorry this happened to any of us."

{{{{{ HUGS TO ALL SURVIVORS }}}}}

Petunia

Hey, seems you are quoting about me. Yes painful but validating to see on "paper". I too am sorry any of us have been there done that.

thank you for sharing this petunia. i see too much of myself in those words. unfortunately i see many people that i know and cherish in those words...

((((((((petunia))))))))

-shadow

Thank you for sharing. It was a little scary seeing how dispcriptive that was of me, despite that I have been throug so much less than most on here. I now know why I think a lot of the things I do, and never realized how much one incident could effect me.

Icky,

It is very difficult to read yourself in descriptions like this. Take it slow. I am sorry that you found yourself there.

If there's anything I can help you with, don't ever hesitate to ask.

Petunia

I see myself in some of that too, and I was only molested a couple of times and not by someone I knew and trusted all that well, although I thought of him as a substitute grandfather.

I was only molested a couple of times and not by someone I knew and trusted all that well, although I thought of him as a substitute grandfather.

Sweetie,

Don't discount that. It's huge. "Only" doesn't apply here.

{{{{{ Rapunzel }}}}}

Petunia

Petunia
I am everything on that list....so sad to admit it but I am....I also do not want to be me anymore....
wish I could disappear

{{{{{ Hope }}}}}

They are just words.

They do not make us who we are.

They help us to understand what happened to us and why we do, think, feel the way we do.

But they are only words.

They are written to help us heal.

Petunia

My post My Sister, is part of the effects of our abuse.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
inability to trust or love others

aggressive and disruptive behavior

anger and rage

self-destructive behavior

self-injury

suicidal thoughts

passive or withdrawn behavior

anxiety and fears

school/job problems or failure

feelings of sadness or depression

flashbacks, nightmares

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Very good post.. TY... Helps me understand the way i am.. ((((((((Petunia)))))))))

((((( radio_flyer and all )))))

I hate that we are all feeling the effects of abuse.

I thought by posting this, maybe people who wouldn't otherwise understand, might find empathy. Maybe those who do understand, can find it for each other.

I posted "The First Stone" in Creative Corner, but thought maybe it was more appropraite here.

There are reasons why people do some things.
I'm not saying it's okay.
I'm not saying it's not.
I'm just saying.

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THE FIRST STONE

I hid in the basement so mother wouldn't beat me
Scared of her. Mad at her. Now I beat my kids.
I fall to my knees and cry.
Could you cast the first stone?

Daddy don't hit mommy. Please don't make her bleed.
Loved him. Hated him. Now I beat my wife.
I fall to my knees and pray.
Could you cast the first stone?

My old lady drank a fifth a day. Went from mom to monster.
Swore I wouldn't touch a drop. Buddy can you spare a dime?
I fall to my knees and retch.
Could you cast the first stone?

Daddy please don't touch me there. No, Daddy it feels wrong.
But he loved me. Daddy loved me. I'm searching for his love.
I fell to my knees.
And the stones were cast.

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That is powerful. Thanks for helping to build understanding and helping all of us to find understanding.