[Rapunzel]

Why am I still tangled up in the trap that I fought to leave behind? I saw what my mother was trying to do, and I got out, and away from her, but there's no escape even with all the miles and all the years. She's still doing it, and she probably doesn't even know it. Three siblings are completely within her grasp. The other three (including myself) attempt to live independent lives, but she still has us caught too, whether or not we let it show. She is a spider, and she spins a very sticky web, and the outer threads are every bit as sticky as the inner ones.

She never wanted her children to grow up. She wanted to be "mommy" forever, and have us depend on her for all time. She has to be needed. She can't go far from home because if she did, and the world didn't fall apart in her absence, she would no longer have a reason to exist.

She kept me home as much as she could. Didn't let me take lessons or join clubs, and discouraged me from having friends and learning social skills. When we moved when I was eight years old and I was heartbroken about leaving my best friend behind, and I decided not to look for new friends, she told me that was right - having friends only leads to hurt. I believed her! She didn't let me take home ec in school, saying that she could teach me everything that they would teach me, but she didn't. I didn't learn how to keep house, or cook. My college roommates taught me how to do laundry. I was never allowed to try it at home. She didn't let me take driver's ed - it was too dangerous. She insisted that it was a bad idea when I wanted to leave home. I fought some of these things, and even won some of the battles, and I think she sulked when she didn't get her way. When I left home, I was cut off from the family. She never called. She didn't remember birthdays or holidays or show any interest in what I was doing. It was like I didn't exist. They said it was because that was how they thought I wanted it. They were against it when I announced that I was getting married, too. A new trap, not of their making, and I thought it was an escape.

My father is caught in the web also, and goes along with everything, but I don't think he knows that it's a trap.

My baby sister (18 years younger than me) has Down syndrome, and one would think that she would be plenty to fulfill mom's need to be needed, but she mainains her grip on the rest of us too.

My brother, 8 1/2 years younger than me, was diagnosed with schizophrenia and dropped out of high school. Another chance to take care of someone for life. Mom told me at one point that he started to believe that he could do something with his life, wanted to go to college and/or find a job, so she got his meds increased until he stopped having thoughts like those.

My sister, 4 years younger than me, is 31 and still lives at home, still attending junior college (she has been for at least 10 years), has no plans to finish (she keeps taking classes mostly because she can get a free bus pass that way), and never learned to drive, and doesn't date (she did a little bit, but nobody is good enough).

My brother, 6 years younger than me, was the independent one. He was athletic, he learned to drive, he had jobs and bought things for himself that he wanted. He got married a year ago, is in love, and has a career goal. Is he the one who got away? He still lives about a block away from the parents. He's too busy to keep in contact with me. I wonder what I don't know about him.

My sister, 2 1/2 years younger than me, is a psychiatrist. She lives further from the parents than I do (I'm a couple of states away). She's in the loop, and helps mother with her caretaking. I recognized her as a baby spider when we were kids and she was sent after me as a spy whenever I was allowed to go out. She'll spin her own web for her own children.

I didn't realize how stuck I still am. It isn't acceptable in my family for children to grow up and be independent and self-sufficient. It isn't okay to be okay. I hated being trapped, and I tried to escape, but my programming says that it isn't okay to be good at anything that is good, so I have sabotaged myself whenever I really wanted to achieve something. To be okay is not to have a place, not to be allowed to exist. But I need to be good at something. What am I good at? <font color="#000088">self injury and other self-destructive behaviors </font> . I'm an expert at that. I can't let go of it because I want to exist and because it's the only thing I'm allowed to be good at. Even though I don't tell mother that I have problems, because she would use that to reel me back in. To most of them, they think I'm like my brother who is normal, that I got away, but they are wrong.

And is it even fair to describe my mother this way? Everyone thinks she is such a loving and caring person, who would do anything for anyone. Am I horrible for thinking that she is a spider?

[wisewoman]

I love the analogy. I also think you have done a wonderful job explaining a very complex situation and how you have dealt with it. I do not think you are terrible, I think you are good at self discovery and communication.

I remember at the beginning of my therapy, one of the nightmares I was having involved a dog-sized spider...I'm ususally good at interperting my dreams but I had to look this one up in a book of dreams.

I couldn't believe my eyes.

Spider
The feminine figure with a devouring affection.
The mother who denies her family freedom of expression.

Ouch.

Petunia

[wisewoman]

Whoa, ahhh, that's intense.

[__zh]

Huge insights you've made here Rap. We hope you are gentle with yourself after such realizations.

Thank you for sharing all of that with us. It give us a better idea of what you've gone through on your path here and what you're now struggling with.

Don't forget to look back over the time you've been here to see the changes you've been through in this time. You're definitely working on deeper issues with this stuff.

Fairness isn't a factor when it comes to how you feel. You feel as you feel.

Do take care.
__zh

[lenjan]

OMG Rap, you have just described my entire life, as well as my mother. I don't know what to say except I understand, and I think you're pretty OK, and to hell with the rest of them.

{{{{{{{{{{{{Wendy}}}}}}}}}}

Candy

[Rapunzel]

{{{{{{{{{Candy}}}}}}}}}}}

I think you're ok too. Sorry you had to go through this stuff also.