[northernbird]

Firstly a hi from a noob

I was abused in my early teens. It was an unconventional abuse but it left me reeling and a wreck in many ways for many years. My long term partner knows all about it and I've never hidden it from anyone its been relevant to. I don't like to talk about it but nowadays it never makes me cry. I suppose I just write it off as a very sad time in my life that I had no control over and I feel lucky when I read other people's stories that I've come so far in my healing process.

The thing is that lately it seems to play on my mind. Its not for any real reason, there's be no conscious triggers directly of it, to it or from it. I have been ill lately, had a cancer scare and I'm waiting on some results of a brain scan as I keep having blackouts. From online research I reckon its PNES but that's a whole different story!

I don't think about it all the time but I'll just be sat at work or relaxing and a wave of nausea will sweep me or a momentary flashback. I don't know why now and that's puzzling me most of all. I had some limited therapy around 10-12 years ago that I didn't feel helped much, I'm too cynical to tell a cushion how I feel because I can't find the words I suppose.

What I'm kind of doing is getting this off my chest as I don't want to physically talk about it for fear of making this all worse than it has been but also to ask if anyone else has had this kind of thing i.e. thought they were mainly over it/healed/recovered etc and then get sprung with periods of sadness/flashbacks/etc.

I suppose I'm looking for reassurance that this isn't going to be a slide headlong into deep depression, something I've had and fought unmedicated through large periods of my adult life.

So, that's a potted version of me. If anyone makes it to the end of this post thanks for reading, its helped me just setting it out in words and knowing that someone might just feel the same.

[violetsareblue]

I'm sorry...I'm really spaced out right now so I can't make a proper response..just wanted to say that I read and hope the cancer scare is just a scare and not real

[Sannah]

Maybe when your life is going really well you are riding that wave and your past doesn't affect you but when your life isn't going so well and you, therefore, aren't feelings so well, then your past can creep in?