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#1
Nov 18, 2010, 05:30 AM
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Of all the thread I guess this is the best one to post this. I suspect I was abused in some way from ages 2-5? The biggest clue is the triggers I have through music. I always had a stereo around so I have about 60 songs that make me feel awful in different ways when I hear them. I have tried hypnotherapy, but it didnt work. I couldnt go under. I thought it was the answer.
I have been a masochist since I stated suspecting someone hurt me as a kid. I started at 15 writing stories about a girl who was kidnapped by men and held as a slave. Since then, it has been a pattern..an obsession. Before I sleep now, every morning, I fantasize that I am being held captive by a man and he gives me drugs through a needle in my arm. The medication I take to sleep is really the effects of his drug(in my fantasy). I know this is not normal and wonder WHY I am like this. I am also obsessed with drugs like heroin and painkillers in general. I dont take street drugs. I know if I had access to painkillers Id have a problem on my hands..addiction. The thing is these everyday fantasies are comforting! Part of it I guess is being taken care of(besides being beaten up, I am fed and loved too!). I have to clarify I do NOT condone actual rape, slavery that is unconsensual, kidnapping and domestic abuse. It upsets me and I dont really feel like they are lucky but want to save them and punish the bastard who does it. No its just something I inflict on myself..in my head. And I feel liek I am the only one. I cant remember what happened to me and Im 38 now. But I have some odd effects. |
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#2
Nov 18, 2010, 11:39 AM
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hmmm... this is a tough situation, I'm sorry you have to go through it...
but, rest assured, I have been there too--having BAD thoughts, thoughts about doing something that is not "ethically" right but, convincing yourself that you would never act on it...to an extent some of those feelings are quite normal, I think...but, it would be wise to discuss this with a professional..since it seems complicated. and to truly help you, I'll admit, I remember a time when I 'wanted' to be taken advantage of sexually...myself...but, of course, I never let that happen! its hard, you'll get through it.
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---  A bird doesn't sing because it has all the answers, it sings because it has a song.Maya Angelou. so sing. Jazz, sing. --jazzy123456 ---------------------------- "You're not here merely to make a living. You are here to enable the world to live more amply, with greater vision, and with a finer spirit of hope and achievement. You are here to enrich the world. You impoverish yourself if you forget this errand." (Woodrow Wilson) 
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 kittychanel
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#3
Nov 18, 2010, 07:00 PM
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Yes I feel like a strange bird....i've tried counseling off and on since I was 18...it's so hard to talk to a stranger and eye contact? EEK
Lauren
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#4
Nov 22, 2010, 03:11 AM
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Hi Kitty, I read your profile and if you have these diagnoses plus these issues that you discuss there and here I would suggest being in therapy. Please continue to keep us posted.
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Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
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