[RainbowG]

Hello to All,

I visited these forums previously, hung around a bit, got busy with other stuff, and now I've returned. I decided to take the plunge and register, so I wanted to introduce myself.

I'm an emotional abuse survivor. It took me 38 years to finally admit that what I endured was abuse. I was really reluctant to use that word, partly because my parents so repeatedly insisted that they were better than any other parents around them. They would constantly compare themselves to other parents, and naturally they always came out the winners!

I started taking dream interpretation classes at that time, and for a while there, I was having pretty horrifying dreams. I was seeing psychopaths, murderers, and rapists in my dreams. Women of all ages were getting assaulted, raped, kidnapped, and murdered. I was seeing distorted animals, distorted human faces, and cut-off limbs. I even saw a (very dirty) baby die once. It was really horrible. I know now that this was an initial cleansing, and I've been free of these horrifying images for a while.

I also kept seeing crazy people in my dreams, and people were telling me in my dreams that I was crazy. That, of course, is how emotional abuse can make you feel. I felt bad nearly all the time (and certainly whenever I was with my parents), yet they gave me every material thing that I needed and then some. I assumed there was something wrong with me. My family certainly made me feel that way for multiple reasons, and I never thought to question them. That was how powerful their influence was over me.

My healing began with some intense anger episodes. The anger had been buried so deeply for so long that I think the only way it could come out at that point was physically. It wasn't painful, but I'd have convulsions, doubling over and clenching my fists. I could feel it running through my body.

I've been on a slow, tedious journey out of the darkness ever since. I actually felt that I needed to get away from these insane people long before I knew why. I haven't been in contact with my family for over eight years, and my life has been a whole lot saner since then. My family probably thinks I'm crazy and evil. I still struggle to validate the abuse. Reading about other people's experiences really helps, so thank you to everyone who's willing to share them!

Rainbow

[Gently1]

((((RainbowG)))

[Sannah]

Thanks for sharing Rainbow and welcome back!

[Leed]

Hi Rainbow ~ Wow - talk about dreams!!! You sure had some dillys! My dreams were always the same - I was always caught in a tornado at my parents' house. That made sense, since my home life was all about my parents physical and verbal fights. They were both alcoholics, and when they were drunk, they would say the most horrid things to each other, and of course that led to the physical fights.

I got married right out of high school, which I know now was just to get out of the house. I married an extremely controlling man ~ which I didn't see when we were dating. After we got married, it was all HIS money (I worked too) and I had to account for every dime. He could spend all he wanted tho. I had to account for every where I went too - if I went to my parents to visit - he called to make sure I was there. If I was late coming home, I had to be sure and account for where I'd been. I was "stupid," ignorant, and many many names I cannot mention here. This went on for 26 years. Why didn't I leave? Because he said he'd take my children and I'd never see them again ~ so I waited until the youngest was 18 - and then divorced him. And he was INFURIATED! I thought he'd kill me.

He stalked me, called me all hours of the night, bought a house very near mine to keep an eye on me. So I updated my house, and sold it - and moved to another town! lol I've never SEEN him so mad!!! He called me everything but --- well, he called me everything.

I could write a book on things he did to me throughout the years - but I think you get the picture. I cringe when I think of all the years I gave up for that jerk - but 8 yrs after the divorce, I married a wonderful man - who unfortunately passed away a year later.

But I've got my self-esteem back and the darkness is gone. Thanks for allowing me to share. Hugs, Lee