How do I know?

If I am or if I’m not one of the “not very nice” posters some people periodically refer to in a cryptic manner? Do I unknowingly say things that trigger or hurt others, am I unsupportive? (I’m referring to posts where known members talk about other known members, but just don’t name them)

This is so important to me as I fear being thought of as “mean” or “bad”, it would almost be better, for me anyway, if people would name the one/s to which they are referring to—then I wouldn’t keep wondering if I said something triggering or offensive. If I was the one that was offensive-I would probably leave right away, feeling bad about causing someone pain. But at least I would know—instead of it becoming harder to post for fear I may upset someone and not know it- the NOT knowing is the worst!

Please let me explain a bit….. as a child, some abuse happened where I saw it but I didn’t tell—I felt I couldn’t (at least in my child mind)—so afraid, telling would ruin too many lives. So I kept it hidden, which only made me feel like an accomplice. There were other types of abuses but I’ve recently been wondering if it’s these particular memories that might be keeping me from posting as much as I would like. I grew to think that a part of me was a “hidden” bad person.

The posts that refer to someone- but not named, thus a “hidden” bad person, leave me wondering—is it ME-- the “hidden” bad person – once again—just like when I was little?? How can one know?

mandy

[wisewoman]

emphatically! NO NO NO NO. These are other's issues not yours. Come hang with me and post whatever you wish. Whoever posts about nameless posters is really being small in my mind in I am very sorry you have been hurt in this way. You are a good friend.

[Fuzzybear]

I do not think that any of the posts here that might be at all negative are about you ((((((((((((Mandy)))))))))))))
Although I can't see inside everyone's mind

I wouldn't however judge any of the posters here as "small" wisewoman....... everyone does what they have to do to survive and maybe eventually thrive in this world. Labelling people simply does not help imnsho.

I also sometimes think that posts are about me if it helps at all

With hugs and respect, ((((((((((((((((Mandy)))))))))))))))
Fuzzy

[jennie]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
2b1better said:
The posts that refer to someone- but not named, thus a “hidden” bad person, leave me wondering—is it ME-- the “hidden” bad person – once again—just like when I was little?? How can one know?

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if you choose, then PM the person and ask nicely. that's the assertive approach.

personally, since i'm not that assertive, i wouldn't do anything. to quit worrying about it, i would tell myself that everyone has a right to his/her opinion blah blah blah and we are all here for support blah blah blah.

either way, it's easy to get stuck worrying about something you have no control over. i hope you can let go of the worry soon. (((((((((((huggs))))))))))))

Hey there mandy

You and I have been totally honest in pming right? Have I steared you wrong? So here it is ---

you are doing terrific.

GLAD TO SEE YOU MADE THAT RISKY JUMP TO POSTING.

Keep it coming Im listening and love your posts

Thanks Wisewoman for your invite to hang with you-- that is very kind. I would like hanging with you very much. And you are also a good friend.

I'm sorry though, if this has caused you or anyone else to think bad of those posters that don't name others-- I didnt mean for them to be portrayed in a negative way-- we all have a right to our feelings---- I guess it's just the manner in which their feelings are "voiced" that leaves me feeling a bit out of sorts.

Thanks for your support, it's very much appreciated.

mandy

Thanks Fuzzy, for the kind words-- you are always so supportive.

That sure would be nice if you could see inside other's heads!-- I would be consulting you constantly---gee, I suppose that could turn out to be a bad thing for you though

Thanks for your kindness- you're a sweet bear!

mandy

Jennie- the PM'ing idea is a good one-- but I'm not usually that assertive either-- although I have PM'd some moderators a few times about similar things.

Your response has got me thinking ....... I know people have a right to their opinions-- the thing I need to keep in mind is-- "What a person thinks of me-- doesn't necessarily have to mean I am that way". Just because someone thinks a particular way about me doesn't "define" me-- after all, it could just be a misunderstanding.

And you're so right-- this is worrying about something I have no control over. I can't control how others feel-- all I can do is to be understanding and open to communication.

See-- all this makes sense-- but then something happens that brings back those old feelings and- BAM-- I'm back to that "worry-withdrawal" mode!

Jennie, thanks for your response and support.

Myself,
Yes, you have always been totally honest with me-- I appreciate that more than you'll ever know.
Thanks for your encouraging words and yes-- I created a post!!!! It's always kind of scary-- but, I did it!!!!

Thank you both,
mandy

you sure did-- YOU did it, You DID it, YOU DID IT!!!!

now it will get easier each time..

[Kathyanita]

Mandy,
Victims generally grow to be overly helpfull, at the ready with a bandade to apply to someone elses cuts. . .and unfortunately , often overly guilt-ridden ready with enough excess guilt to apply to their own esteam as soon as it starts to take hold. . .dont doubt what ppl are telling YOU about you. . . the rest is white noise. . .

[bipolar_bear]

(((((((((((((mandy))))))))))))))))))) Please try and not let what others infer bother you. I am sure you are not the target of thier remarks. I am sorry that it has distressed you this much. Please keep posting. Take care and hang in there.

Nevada,

Boy do you have me pegged, in all you said!!

I think I may have enough guilt to supply a small town with-- !!!

Good advice--- I do need to listen to people more and ignore that "white noise". --- ignoring it is sure going to be hard though. (sometimes it seems so wise-- or maybe I've just gotten used to listening to it?)

Thanks for your support, it's very much appreciated-- good to see you around -- hope to see you more.

mandy

Thanks bipolarbear-- I will try to not let other's inference bother me--it's so very hard -- kind of like a reflex--- the feelings I get.

Thanks for your kind words and support.

mandy

[shadowdancer]

((((((((((mandy))))))))))

i have yet to see a post referring to a 'bad' person that could possibly refer to you. from everything i have seen you are kind, giving and caring. i know that your posts here have helped me out lots as have your PMs to me. you are always encouraging and supportive so i would say no need to worry!

i'm sure that, as most of us are adults here, if someone were having a problem specifically with you then they would PM you to let you know what was going on so that the two of you could work it out (at least that's my hope)

don't borrow trouble you are a very valuable member of this site and i think that just the fact that you are concerned that you might have accidentally offended someone speaks loudly about your character. it says you try hard to be the kind person you are...who could have a problem with that???

((((((((((mandy))))))))))


shadow

Aww sweetie,

I know how easy it is to feel responsible for everything wrong in the world.

It is brave and admirable that you are bringing this forth and you should be proud of yourself for doing so. I am!

Petunia

Shadowdancer,

That's so nice of you to say that I have helped you--- hard for me to think of myself that way-- but it feels nice to hear it. thank you.

I too hope that if ever anyone had a problem with me that they would let me know in a PM. Thanks so much for your support and encouragement!

Petunia,

Thanks for all your wonderful and thoughtful support. As hard as it is-- I am trying-- thanks for being proud of me-- I appreciate that very much. You are such a kind and giving person--a valuable and special one for sure!! Thanks for all you do!!!

mandy