[Can't Stop Crying]

Home from the State Hospital for a weekend pass. I didn't want to go in the first place

A fight with my mother, can't quite remember what we were fighting about. She was hitting me and I just had to get out of there. Took off out the back door and as soon as I hit the street, stuck my thumb out looking for a ride.

Light brown station wagon pulled over. "Where you heading?"...."Anyplace but here"

Agreed to go to his place. I had a terrible feeling, knew I shouldn't get into the car, maybe I was hoping he would kill me.

Played cards, watched T.V. He kept sliding closer to me on the couch until I was scrunched up in the corner. Started putting his hand up my shirt. I said no and pulled even farther away.

I changed my mind, I didn't want this, I wanted to get out of there.

I got up to leave and he grabbed me. Spun me around, my head hit the wall. The clock said 7:43. Don't know why I remember that clock, can still see it

He pushed me down on the couch. I fought. I am not a fighter, but I fought. this was not going to happen again. He tied my hands up over my head to the end table and climbed on top of me. When I wouldn't spread my legs apart, he cut me. I did what he wanted.

When I stopped fighting, he untied me, laid next to me on the couch. His roommate came home. Just looked at me, at both of us, and went into another room. My voice was lost by then...I was screaming help in my head.

Two more times, then he fell asleep half on top of me. It felt like hours, trying to slide out from under him. I stuck one of my earrings in the bottom of the couch - proof that I was there. Evidence so they couldn't call me a liar.

Crept out the front door. no where to go so I headed back home. Torn shirt, no shoes, dried blood on my leg from where he cut me. The sun was coming up, traffic was starting to build. no one stopped to ask if I was okay. The walk of complacency...staring eyes that keep on moving, on their way to a busy day.

Walked in the door, told my mom, yet again she didn't believe me.
The State Hospital told her to take me to the ER for a rape kit, she did

That is the re-rape...strangers touching you, looking at you with shame in their eyes. Vaginal trauma, semen, the cuts from his knife. I had my proof. Asked me if I wanted to prosecute - I said no but I meant to say yes. To this day I do not understand that decision

Sent me home with some pills, weekend pass ended abruptly, back to State Hospital.

In a weird way that was a good thing for my mother. That became her out. Anytime SA was discussed she would say, "she was abused when she was hitchhiking and got herself into that situation." She had a reason of why I was such a mess that didn't tarnish her good family

You see, we were all about appearances. Parents were upstanding citizens, community leaders. I gave her the excuse she needed to keep the real secrets hidden....

[Rapunzel]

How long ago did that happen? It feels like it is still very fresh for you. I thought at first that it had just happened tonight.

You were retraumatized. That doesn't change what had happened before, and I am sorry that your mother used it to make excuses. That was retraumatizing too, wasn't it?

Wishing you healing.

[Can't Stop Crying]

June 15th, 1990

every second of it burned in my brain

[FFABD]

Here, in this place, you are loved for exactly who you are, for all the things that have happened and all the choices that you've made. There is no good or bad, just acceptance and compassion.

You are not what has happened, you are a sweet, wonderful person who's doing their best to get through. Though I don't know you in person, I, and everyone else here love you. Though my experience might not be identical, our common humanity defines that we suffer together. We need that from each other.

[invisigirl]

I can certainly understand having a family who cares more about disproving what happened to you to protect themselves than they do about your well being.

[Sannah]

[Ardmore]

[Yoda]

I am sorry that happened to you.