[MoAnamCara]

i was asked recently if what i experienced with my ex was emotional or physical or both. my reaction to the question took me by complete surprise as i thought i had worked through these things previously.

and so the last few days have been filled with this one memory that i cant get rid of or more accurately that comes and goes, out of nowhere.

this one particular instance is so clear and when it comes to mind i feel like i cant breath. he was on top of me. i was crying. it was painful. i remember feeling like i was looking at it all taking place but that i wasnt in my body at the time. i felt so used, so ashamed and so guilty. i still do.

i am tired of this. i am tired of the words that were said and the actions that took place that i cant get stop from running through my mind.

i thought it was all behind me, how foolish am i?

[Sannah]

Do you have a therapist? It would be really good to tell her about this incident in detail so that you can get your feelings out about it. This is how you move beyond these things, by releasing it all in therapy.

[MoAnamCara]

Sannah -

thanks, I do. i find it difficult to verbalize and when tried previously I have simply shut down.

its been a hard week, im tired of it all.

[Sannah]

Maybe you can do it gradually. Like just tell her that you want to share something with her but it is hard and you might shut down and then work from there?

[MoAnamCara]

Sannah -

i just feel foolish. i should be over this. i should be stronger. i dont want to admit how much this still takes up space in my mind and my thoughts as it shows i am weak.

i allowed it, the physical stuff. it was easier that way. it was my fault. how can i blame others for my choices?

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((MoAnamCara))))

You are not foolish and what you feel is okay. Sometimes when we think we have faced something and it comes back it is because maybe we did not face something that is still there. Sometimes when we go back it may be because we are facing a deeper part of it. It does not make you foolish.

I do not think you are weak. When we face hurt and abuse it is not a sign of weakness but of strength. It is not your fault. I know for myself many times because of what happened as a child I do not know how to react to things as an adult. I never learned the right way to react or how to protect myself.

I know the feelings of shutting down and how hard it is to talk to my t at times. Sometimes it is impossible. Maybe write it out and give it to your t so that she can read it and then guide you. Sometimes that is easier than talking. Somethings are hard to talk about and you will as you continue to work through what happened.

You will get through this. It did not take over night to get to where we are and it takes time to get through it now. But you can do it. Thank you for sharing and know that you are not alone. We are listening and care. Please keep reaching out and posting.

Sending gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by MoAnamCara

i just feel foolish. i should be over this. i should be stronger. i dont want to admit how much this still takes up space in my mind and my thoughts as it shows i am weak.

i allowed it, the physical stuff. it was easier that way. it was my fault. how can i blame others for my choices?

You can't be over this stuff until you have processed it in therapy. You are not weak for being affected by an abuser. Do you think that you are superhuman or something?

You allowed it? I find this very hard to believe. Does this make you feel like you had some power or something with this abuser?

[MoAnamCara]

thanks Sannah - dps -

im not sure of what i should say or how i should say it, so will keep quiet. thank you for your words.

take care.

[Tatyana2009]

Dear one,

People who suffer abuse go through a lot. Even if you talked some of it in therapy it does not mean that your body or soul forgot what happened. Please do not be so harsh on yourself. It takes time for the flash backs and the trauma to heal. It sounds like you are suffering from post traumatic stress. Flash backs and bodily reactions are one of the symptoms. Maybe read a bit about trauma and how it can heal.

You cant change what happened. That is a fact. A sad fact. Also - you are not the guilty party here. When abuse occures there is always a disproportionate power that the abuser holds. So you were weak. That in itself is hard to accept some time. He made you weak. Again - not your fault. What you can change now is the future. Slowly build your strength. Dont expect to heal in a day. And be happy you are freed in the present of him. Well done!!

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by MoAnamCara

im not sure of what i should say or how i should say it, so will keep quiet.

Keeping quiet is not the best option. Stumbling through what you have to say is a great thing to do. I have done it many times and was glad that I did.

[MoAnamCara]

thank you -

i really am trying. i thought i was ok or had dealt with it.

theres sorrow and anger, disgust and pain. theres a lot more too. sometimes i feel strong, like i did it - i got over it. sometimes, not so much. then the self doubt creeps in. then i become frustrated with myself for allowing these feelings and then its like i surrender to the thoughts and relive it all again and say goodbye to any progress i made.

this is the worst its been in a long time - the memories and the feelings. im trying to remain calm, trying to focus on other things, trying to remain positive. there are times i fail..... its a viscious circle.

i do not wish to be a victim yet i recognize i am at times still. sometimes i creep back to my mindset at the time and will not question the actions nor the words, but accept i was to blame.

sometimes i feel like i want to not be here so its all done with forever, and sometimes i want to scream as loud as i can. how can people not see me and the hurt? this is a foolish thought as i dont let people know.

its up to me and me alone to get off this current ride. if i cant disembark and move forward once and for all, what am i doing? isnt this a waste of a life, of energy and of my soul?

why am i wallowing in this waste? isnt that the question to ask myself?

thank you for listening.

take care.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by MoAnamCara

theres sorrow and anger, disgust and pain. theres a lot more too.

This is what needs to be expressed in therapy.

Originally Posted by MoAnamCara

then i become frustrated with myself for allowing these feelings.

Feelings are natural. We are supposed to have feelings in response to things.

[trixielou]

a couple nites ago i was abused badly always verbal but this time physical my question is has anyone had their abusers say things like they thought they were justified in what they did or say stuff like oh u bruise easy anyway at one point during the nite i was thrown out of the car this after one attempt earlier in the ride & i fought to stay in the car & he gave up then says "well i had asked u to get out of the car to begin with" im sorry im being confusing im tired & i dont wanna go into the whole detailed story rite now basically has anyones abusers showed no remorse even like they r convincing themselves it didnt happen & after sayin this sack of crap saying they love u believe me hes not here we r separated i thought i was going that nite to put my signature on a check & the whole thing turned into a manipulative verbally & physically abusive nightmare if it wasnt for my two girls i wish he would die i hate him as of now hes suckin up in ways other than acknowleding the things he did to me the other nite cuz he knows theres another tax check to be signed hes a coward crazy narcisist however u spell it i have refrained from sayin these things about him til rite now cuz "good christians dont say those things" but we r human theres a certain point where u gotta let it out or you will get sicker what else do i feel hes a lying using waste my time & life waste of human flesh oh & btw so is my brother there i said it how can a christian have so much hate in their heart & im upstairs readin my Bible course in psalm 109 David has quite the wish list for his enemies but in the end he says Vegence is yours Lord omgosh i could care less if he dropped dead

[MoAnamCara]

trixielou -

keep yourself safe, first and foremost. do not be alone with this person, for any reason at all.

yes, i experienced where it was all my fault - where they didnt care what they did - showed no remorse - told me i was loved - that it wasnt their fault at all etc.

dont listen to a word of it, please.

take care.

[Sannah]

Yes, Trixie, this is how abusers work. You have to say things how they are. Reality is reality.

[MoAnamCara]

trixielou - just wanted to see how you were doing?

[MoAnamCara]

Originally Posted by Sannah

This is what needs to be expressed in therapy.


Feelings are natural. We are supposed to have feelings in response to things.

Sannah - my issue right now is that i have a severe reaction to thoughts about things so i cant even get to expressing any thoughts/emotions, just the physical things my body experiences, and i shut down. am going to park on this i believe right now if i can, and come back to it soon but at a time where i might be able to deal with it a little better.

Thanks for your words and thoughts.

[Sannah]

Yeah, you have to go at your own pace.

[Tatyana2009]

Hi. I wonder - when all of this is overwhelming and when those memories come - do you have anyone to support u? can u call your t? You are dealing with the aftermath of the abuse. Its natural for it to ba quite hard. Worth trying some grounding skills and exercises. Especially when u feel its all too much and befpre hping to sleep. Hugs xx

[MoAnamCara]

thank you Tatyana -

no one knows about some of the things, just my T but i do not call. i cannot reach out for support from others as they are unaware, but i have someone who can calm me, just being in their presence which is helpful. i am trying better with grounding etc.

take care.

[Tatyana2009]

Originally Posted by MoAnamCara

thank you Tatyana -

no one knows about some of the things, just my T but i do not call. i cannot reach out for support from others as they are unaware, but i have someone who can calm me, just being in their presence which is helpful. i am trying better with grounding etc.

take care.

i m glad t knows. And i m glad u have someone whom at their present u feel calm.

Can i ask how old you are?

Maybe worth thinking about support groups. Perhaps your t can help in finding one in your area.

They consist of women or women and men who went through similar stuff abd dealing with similar issues.

Grounding skills take a while to master and for different ppl different things work. Try to find what works for you.

I sense you are quite a bit anxious. Dancing might help and music if u like it?

Hugs