STUPID

{{{{{{{{{BIG HIGS}}}}}}}}
you are NOT stupid!!! But i do understand how you fell as i have stood there too...heres a little peace....

dear P7 Sannah is right (don't faint, Sannah )

If you have plans to come to the States any time soon you could visit me; we could talk about families - or not!!!!! and fool around with beads and walk along the creek in the woods, and drink chai, and relax. and if you play Scrabble - well perfect!

please know that you're not alone, my friend. Please reach out for support - even to a virtual friend if you will. Still in my prayers.

awww Phoenix...U r breaking my heart. Sometimes people do things and say things that they dont mean to. If he has issues of his own, maybe he is trying to work them out....maybe someday he will send u a message and apologize. Please dont let it get to your heart soul and spirit. You deserves everything you long for in life, just as we all do. Sometimes it just takes its sweet time; while we are left wondering if we missed the bus altogether. I hope you are feeling better today, and that each day you can think to yourself as "smart and beautiful".

((((((((((((((( Phoenix )))))))))))))))

i want to thank you all for your support it has meant a lot to me - i thnk part of it is i have a sinus infection - and im not sleeping well at night - nightmares - so im tired all day - so my patience is low - and then i get angry for not being patient ....

i finally went and saw my pdoc - only cos my script was running out and i needed a new one - i have one month left on it - he wouldnt give me a new script i have to go see him again in two weeks - (guess he knows if he gives me the script i wont come back till it runs out again lol )

he is starting me on another antidepressant a new one that is supposed to help for sleep - i dont know if it helps wiht nightmares and body memories - they wear me out ........

i cant tell him about the body memories...... i just cant ... T knew but he's gone .. its not important anyway ive had them for years lol - sigh

i took my last $20 and went to lunch wiht my friend ( anurse i trained with ) we had lunch and then went to a charity shop - i had $8 left to spend lol

when i came out of the shop i had an $85 ticket on my car for being 4 minutes over the 30 mins you are allowed to stay in the spot i was in ....

It would have been a struggle getting the antibiotics and the new meds before ... now its impossible.... I stood on my balcony and wondered if i could fly lol

I imagined what i would do ............. but i didnt do it lol stating the obvious !!!!

i am in that place - the safe place of no feelings again - i guess its a survival thing of mine

its hard to think here - but i guess its safe ...

now i wil have to go back to pdoc in 2 weeks and tell him i havnt even started the meds ....... failed again P7 lol

oh well

i just wanted to let you know .. well to say thankyou

and im doing better ok

bye for now........

P7

oh and my friend got back in touch apparently i am no longer evil - for how long i dont know - i had decided if he tried to contact me i would not reply - but he said hi and like some pathetic puppy i ran back to him .......sigh..... i dont like that he has that much [power over me - to take me to that dark place just by leaving .... hard to think we've never met - but thats prob why i let him into my mind cos i knew we would never meet so he was safe ..yeah right.. well i knew he would never want sex because we are in different countries i didnt know i would .. i dont know..... i dont know anything anymore..