[anr126]

Im so confused.
My whole life structure..and how I defined myself is falling down all around me.. what is going on here? It is way too complicated to give you my autobiography..but heres the basic outline..
I grew up in a family of 5…my parents got married right out of high school, waited 11 years to have children, and then had my sister at age 30, me at 33, and my brother et 35. Growing up, I thought I had the perfect family. I was pretty sheltered, and my parents worked hard to instill values in us…and I was raised in an extremely religious environment. My mom stayed at home with us and was typical housewife. Dad made all the decisions and my mom supported him 100 percent. He kinda had a small temper sometimes..but nothing too crazy. We didn’t question anything they said..what they said was always right no matter what..even to this day, I cant voice my opinion to them making me feel guility for feeling the way I do.
2. My sister-Is currently 25 years old…perfectionist… A student all throughout high school and College…struggled with a slight eating disorder in high school. She got married right out of college at 22, and Didn’t drink at all supposedly…really discouraged it..didnt even have it at her wedding. Less than a year later, started an affair with an older man..that caused her divorce. Basically long story short, my family doesn’t communicate at all..and a bunch of stuff is now coming out in the open. She had a thing for older men…even though she had a perfectly sweet attractive husband she loved. She cheated on him twice before getting married to him both with older men my fathers age. She lost her virginity when she was 20 to a 50 year old while she was dating her soon to be husband...My sister was my role model, and I always had this view of her as being perfect, she was straight A student…while I barely scraped by with Cs and Ds…and my little brother struggled with school as well. My sister and I wet the bed way longer than normal kids. She stopped around age 12 or 13 I think, but I didn’t stop until age 16. .
Past stuff I know for a fact about us growing up-my sister and I wet the bed until we were in our teens. Which isn’t normal…my sister struggled with a slight eating disorder in high school, I know for a fact I had a lot of self-esteem problems and I never understood why, I was involved in a 4 year abusive relationship all throughout high school..my sister had a thing for older men (see above), im a virgin and am terrified at the thought of any kind of commitment right now and I always hold myself back even if theyre just friends or family.. I don’t trust people (im 22) my brother is a good kid I think for the most part..he doesn’t talk a whole lot.
Recent stuff-found out about my sister this past year, and also found out about my mom cheating on my dad numerous times-not sure if its all recent or throughout their marriage (they don’t know I know)
My dad and I don’t talk much. But when we do talk, I feel like he cares. My mom and I talk a lot..but she is never really there…she doesn’t absorb what im saying, and she doesn’t seem to know who I am as a person or what I stand for..she doesn’t remember anything I tell her..which makes me feel like she doesn’t care.
My sister recently told me she never felt loved as a child…
I feel like there is something going on here..but I don’t understand what…I don’t think our parents abused us or anything..but I don’t know..its just odd to me that we wet the bed for so long, she didn’t feel love as a child, my abusive relationship, her eating disorder, low self-esteem, everything just seems off.

[sabby]

Hello anr126 and welcome to PC!

Strictly from what information you have written about it sounds to me like your family was somewhat stifled in the communication department. I don't know if there was any physical abuse but it sounds like there may have been some emotional things going on. It sounds as if your dad was an authoritarian and what he said or decided was it....no discussion, nothing. That in itself is stifling to the family.

I think you would do well to get into therapy and start talking. A therapist can help you work through your questions and help you get a better view of what/why you are feeling the way you do.

I hope you find the answers to your questions and concerns. Wishing you well!

[purple_fins]

I think what Sabby wrote was very good adivice.

also-- it's not talked about much but actually teen bedwetting is really quite common-- researchers estimate that about 1 in every 100 teens wet the bed(up and even through the age of 16)-- I think it's just not talked about. and since both you and your sister had this problem I would wonder if it was perhaps genetic.
wonder if anyone in your parents generation had this problem..... something to keep in mind also when/if you ever have kids.

anyway-- I think the idea of seeking counseling could be helpful. It could possibly improve low self esteem, learn to set healthy boundaries in relationships and a bunch of other good stuff.

best to you and Welcome!

fins

[Sannah]

Anr, 2 things that you wrote raised red flags for me: 1) you never had a say in anything, and 2) your mom doesn't remember anything you say or know who you are as a person. Why are these red flags IMO? Child development is all about developing who you are. It seems like you didn't get to do this (it doesn't expire, you can still do this at any time). As for your mom, this sounds narcissistic. My mom is narcissistic and this is EXACTLY how she interacted with me. Why is this a problem? Our mothers are supposed to help us develop. If your mom isn't paying attention to you, this sends the message to you that your value is really low. (In reality, her behavior was about her problems, not about your value).

If you didn't get to develop your voice, I can see how this would lead you to getting into an abusive relationship. You need a voice to stand up for yourself.

Eating disorders are about control and it sounds like your family was really into that.

[sadface]

I think you have been given a lot of good advice. My life experiences have been similar to yours. I would say that if you decide to go into therapy which I would encourage you to do expect that your family may not be very supportive. Do this for yourself.

[embracinglife]

Maybe you can talk to a therapist about all of this. Were you or your sister ever sexually abused? Sexual abuse can also cause bed-wetting, thats why I ask...