[darkpurplesecrets]

Do you ever wonder if it is all worth it? Do you ever feel that no matter how hard you try the past just laughs at you and waits for you to fall again? The last several days feel like those days.

Each time I start to grasp something it feels as though I am knocked right back down, slammed into the concrete, stomped on, and laughed at while trying so hard to hang on with all I have.

Is there ever a point where it just does not matter? Where someone is not worth the time or effort? Where no matter how hard you try the pain of getting up again hurts so bad that you just would rather die?

Fighting to go to see t today was about all I could do. Telling myself that I cannot tell him what happened again without answers. Trying to find a way around the tears yet they fall without warning. Wanting to reach out yet pulling silently away.

Today I said I would not tell him what happened but I did. Through the tears and fear of it all he still did not walk away, and he validated something today that made me feel he does understand more than I think.

Fighting through the fear and pain of it all to show him scared me yet somewhere I know deep within that holding it back does not help me at all. He is concerned and he asked if I had gotten any information from within.

Some within are afraid to even talk yet have given indication of who is answering the door. It is getting harder to keep going on at times and fear is taking a front seat right now. Talking has been hard and yet I know that to shut down is what they want.

Sometimes words do not seem to say as much as what is seen. Even telling my friend was so hard. Wanting to hide away in the shame but somehow trying to reach beyond that place to allow your self to keep going. But it is so hard and I feel like a fool because I have no answers.

It feels as though I am alone in it all yet I know I am not. Over and over we are told that we are loved and yet somewhere I cannot make the connection. So afraid those that care will give up and walk away, that this is becoming too complex and answers seem to never come.

How long before those that seem to surround you get tired of trying and love just cannot reach the heart and soul of someone so damaged? Why would anyone love someone who was never loved and how does that one find some way to understand when understanding never was?

Love was spoken before abuse came. What does that say of love? For three years now we have been shown nothing but love and care even through the rough times. And it seems that through the rough times we can almost touch on it but then it slips away. What does that say?

The ups and downs tear the soul apart and you begin to feel as though maybe you really don’t belong anywhere. Are your efforts ever good enough to even warrant anyone caring or at least thinking they care? When the lies begin to make sense that you are in the way and serve only to hurt everyone because you cannot get it.

You feel rejection all around from yourself as you cannot seem to move or feel anything but the pain and things seem to keep coming no matter how hard you try. You do not feel important. You feel you are spinning your wheels no matter which way you turn.

You feel ashamed because when you have those moments of clarity they only last for a moment and you feel you have let everyone down, especially yourself. You are so afraid to post again yet reaching out is all you feel you have left.

You feel like a yo-yo that only stays up for moments before going back down, many times going into that spin that gets stuck not allowing that up time to come again until the string is untangled and wound back up so that once again it can start all over.

Tears fall when no one is around and you are all alone trying to figure out where you are going wrong and the aloneness pulls you to a place you are terrified and afraid to reach out again, yet if you do not reach you will just disappear.

Those feelings come back that tell you no one cares and that you are only bothering everyone. You hear those words so loud that you withdraw for days even afraid to be heard. And you feel all over that rejection that gets stronger no matter how hard you try to fight it.

You feel so unlovable that it separates you from everyone, almost from life itself. It is no one that does this to you except yourself and what lies within that you cannot seem to touch, for in the silence and darkness it screams out louder than anything else.

All those thoughts that you have tried to push away come back with a force, and once again you feel like a poison that no one wants to get around. Those old feelings come back haunting you over and over, and insanity feels closer than anyone knows.

Somewhere inside you fight to not push everyone away but somehow feeling that it would be best for all. Why do I feel so worthless all the time? I try and try but it does not go away. It’s hard to beat the lies with what is supposed to be the truth when the lies seem to disconnect the truth from all direction.

When you cannot stop what is going on and constantly questioning yourself and yet no answers come. How much can one person take? How much is too much? When you try to be strong but truth is you have fallen so hard that even your strength cannot help you back up. Even those inside seem too weak to help you from the fear and fight.

The guilt of the ups and downs pull you even farther inside shutting out the world because fear tells you everyone is disappointed in you something the lies tell you non-stop and you wonder if they are really lies at all.

The pain of what is and what was hit hard knocking away hope and still you keep it in when you are really screaming out silently within. The silence around you is piercing without, but within it feels as though that screaming is all you can hear.

And the tears fall, the fear to say anything at all stops you, the knowing how you feel but afraid to tell anyone, the mask that seems to call your name so that no one knows. And yet through it all, all you want is someone to hear you, someone to know, and someone to care.

Pulling your self back up through the fear to face another day hoping that the little strength you have will somehow hold you up. When you look into the mirror and the face looking back holds the marks of what came once again and a tear slips through followed by more that fall without stopping.

Sometimes shutting down is all you can do but yet knowing that tomorrow still comes. You feel the pain and want to shut the world out, yet pushing forward to get through the day just hoping it is enough.

But the real thing is you want to know why you cannot hold on to the words that you have been told over and over again? Why you cannot hold onto the moments of clarity that you get when the light bulb moments come? How you can keep going on in the face of abuse?

Our face is marked once again and we are so afraid. Love just seems too far away or maybe it is myself, and those within that are too far away from love.

dps

[Yoda]

[suzzie]

((((( dps )))))

[MoAnamCara]

Thoughts and caring energies are with you.

[Can't Stop Crying]

so sorry, I understand, I wish I could help, I am listening.........

I'm here for you my friend
Im praying for you.
Jared,

[PTSDlovemycats]

(((Darkpurplesecrets))) I am sorry that you are having such a rough time right now. I don't really know what to say but I am thinking about you and I hope that things do improve for you soon!

[Jewels]

(((((((((( DPS ))))))))))

so sorry for the pain...sending prayers to help you in this time of need...hope that you will find a bit of peace along the way...

Jewels

[notablackbarbie]

oh darkpurplesecrets...wow. i am sorry you are struggling so much right now. yet am in in awe of you too with your bravery and determination to continue still with so much.

(((((everyone here - on this thread, forum, PC and beyond)))))

(and back to still...)

[Jewels]

(((((((((( notablackbarbie ))))))))))

sorry that you are feeling so down yourself...hope that today something will come your way to give you a little ray of hope and respite from the pain you feel from your own abuse...you will make it one day too...and we will be there to cheer you on as well!!!

Jewels

[Gr3tta]

dps Hugs from all of me to all of you! I am sorry you are having such struggles.
I am not a hundred percent sure if this is a good thing to say, but in a weird circular logic kind of way, I do sometimes find it helpful for myself. Sometimes when I'm stuck thinking how awful and worthless I must be, I tell myself that if I really think that, then why am I trusting my own judgements of myself? Maybe I shouldn't listen to my own bad voice in the same way I shouldn't listen to others. ....I'm not sure the way I said that made sense just now, if not, sorry! Please just take away the most important thing, which is that I'm listening to what you're saying, and caring. ~Emma

[Hopeful yet hurting]

Yes I do wonder, and I hope it helps to know you are not alone...I know it does for me...thanks for voicing what is inside/behind all I say.