 |
| FAQ/Help |
| Calendar |
| Search |
|
#1
Feb 17, 2011, 12:12 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
STUPID - to think i could trust someone
STUPID to think i could ever pick someon who wasnt more crazy than me to share with - and not in a good way STUPID to dream STUPID to ever think that broken could attract anything other than broken Darkness to Darkness and his Darkness is greater than mine...or perhaps mine attracted him STUPID Half a world away - we talked as friends for almost a year - only to find now - i was wrong as ever .. wrong as i always am - wrong attracts wrong.... broken attracts broken darkness attracts darkness perhaps my darkness reached out to him - I wanted to help - STUPID I thought ... I dreamed - here was someone i could trust...... STUPID told him more than i had ever told T - T taught me how to trust again - but he didnt know ... how could he... he couldnt see i was broken ...wasted years - never knowing what love was how can you ever hope to feel what love is - know it - give it - if you never had it STUPID children are allowed dreams fairy stories of true friendship.. i never hoped or dreamed of more - just somoen to reach out to -who seemed to know how i felt - STUPID STUPID STUPID of course he is crazier than me - and not in a good way.. he found out where i work - how? half a world away i never told him STUPID STUPID STUPID fade to grey and drift away on the wind deserving nothing more i dont want to be here anymore dont want to do this im too tired and far too stupid to be alive i dont want to die - just not exist - fade to grey and disapear level by level like waves on the ocean making patterns until its stil and quiet and nothing left... how cuold i ever have been so dumb as to believe i had a friend i could trust wiht everything.... lol - the child withiin reaching out for what doesnt exist - never did - never will - STUPID I told him he tore out my heart - but i have none numbness is comforting in a way - natures way of saying rest - sleep forever - fade to grey and drift away... i have never felt this close to another person - and he's insane lol what does that say of me....STUPID Hope does not exist love a lie for me i dont know what it is - never did - never will justice perhaps - for the child who did the wrong thing for the adult who dreamed stupid stupid stupid dreams tell your secrets let it all out - leave nothing left - then see the one who you felt connected to is insane then i must be too fade to grey and drift away on the wind too stupid to be alive too stupid to be able to find anyone other than someon damamged damaged attracts damaged mistakes made too late now to wind back the clock and take back the words that tore me up inside
__________________
Its not how many times you fall down that counts  its how many times you get back up!   (Thanks to fenrir for my Picture  )When you have come to the edge of all light that you know and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown, Faith is knowing One of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly. by Patrick Overton, author and poet Last edited by phoenix7; Feb 17, 2011 at 12:43 PM. |
|
#2
Feb 17, 2011, 12:56 PM
|
||||
|
||||
 I don't think you're stupid. But I DO understand how you feel. Oh so well. Being betrayed by one you love and have worked so hard to trust as an adult. someone who gave you hope that maybe you too could have something good in your life after all the pain ... it is DEVASTATING. absolutely devastating. I have no words of wisdom or advice to offer because I have made the same mistake of trusting. and all I was awarded with was more pain too. pain and insurmountable responsibilities that I am no longer able to handle. life is not fair. take care of you. you ARE worthwhile and wonderful and deserving of SO MUCH MORE THAN THIS. just hold on. 
__________________
 wife. mom. swimmer. writer. trying to live life in spite of depression, dissociation, and PTSD. member of a club that no one wants to join... |
 lynn P., phoenix7
|
|
#3
Feb 17, 2011, 01:54 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
Ohh (((phoenix7))
I worried about you. You're not stupid at all...you're a dear person. We all want to trust and sometimes we trust the wrong people - that's not your fault. I do know what it's like to be deeply betrayed. You wanted to feel that special connection..we all want that. Please don't let one bad person make you feel like life's not worth living. The only thing you're guilty of is maybe trusting too much but that's because you so deeply need it. All you can do is learn from this and share it with others so we can learn too. I don't want to hear you abuse yourself for a mistake we all could have made. If this happened to a good friend of yours...what would you say to her?? Treat yourself the same you would treat a friend. I've seen and read your posts and know you have it within you. I disagree with your statement 'bad attracts bad'....most of the time evil looks for trusting good souls. I usually don't swear but f**** the bastard...don't let him bring you down. You're the Phoenix...you rise from the ashes.
__________________
 This is our little cutie Bella *Practice on-line safety. *Cheaters - collecting jar of hearts. *Make your mess, your message. *"Be the change you want to see" (Gandhi) Last edited by lynn P.; Feb 17, 2011 at 02:14 PM. |
| phoenix7
|
|
#4
Feb 17, 2011, 02:32 PM
|
|||
|
|||
|
I have had the same problem as you in the past and have been where you are more than I care to admit. I think the most important thing for people like us to do is to not lose hope. I do believe there is a reason for everything. So I have tried to look at these situations from the point of view that perhaps there was something I needed to learn from this person>?<
Humiliation is hard enough to swallow then add to the fact that loyalty and trust were violated makes it even harder. We tend to internalize rejection and think that it must be because there is something wrong with us - but I have found the farther I move from these types of situations I realize that I have not only learned something about myself, but I learned something about life and love and I have become so much stronger and wiser. It's so hard to do at times, but try to keep your heart open to the possibilities of finding a love that encompasses everything that YOU think and feel that it is and what YOU think it should be. Love and Peace J Quote:
|
| lynn P., phoenix7
|
|
#5
Feb 17, 2011, 03:00 PM
|
|||
|
|||
|
Phoenix,darling,how well I understand all of this.The same happened with me and it's in my face that it continues onto sooooo many others.Who knows a lie is a lie....till they ...just know.How we fail to listen to our intuition ...and fall a fool....awakening to a pain ever worse than any other we'd felt before.Needing to trust that there was someone who valued us and was as intoxicated as we'd been.A ruse......and a painful one,shame on that....person,for taking that loveliness and injuring you.I assure you it isn't a failing on your part darling...and I embrace you warmly..... as a knower of your heart.
|
| lynn P., phoenix7
|
|
#6
Feb 17, 2011, 03:06 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
phoenix7........that was so hard to read. But I'm so glad you wrote it. It gives me a chance to wrap you in a hug.........and never let go. Your pain is beyond palpable and if there was anything I could do at all to lessen it a bit, I would. Do you remember when I first joined PC and you were one of the very few people that I opened up to? I'll never forget how kind and supportive you were.........and I've thought of you many times since. I am sooooooooooo sorry for your pain........kind, caring, compassionate.........trusting.........but not stupid, not now, not ever. Please, please be here for those of us who love you.......we'll try to give back what you so freely put out........(((((((hugs)))))) and love
grey
|
| lynn P., phoenix7
|
|
#7
Feb 17, 2011, 03:34 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
| phoenix7
|
|
#8
Feb 18, 2011, 01:20 AM
|
||||
|
||||
|
I've felt exactly like this..i told him eevverything and he quickly went from anger to 'don't you have any respect for yourself.. how could you not say anything' when any normal person wouldn't dream of saying something like that to an abuse survivor. Some people are just horrible. They'll always be horrible...and there are always signs but it DOESN'T make you stupid to want to see a little good where none exists.
__________________
Know Thy Self. |
| phoenix7
|
|
#9
Feb 18, 2011, 07:09 AM
|
||||
|
||||
|
__________________
|
| phoenix7
|
|
#10
Feb 18, 2011, 11:49 PM
|
||||
|
||||
 you are not stupid dear phoenix.. 
__________________
|
| lynn P., phoenix7
|
|
#11
Feb 19, 2011, 01:10 AM
|
||||
|
||||
|
Quote:
 *offers shoulder to lean on and another...*
|
| phoenix7
|
|
#12
Feb 21, 2011, 09:45 AM
|
||||
|
||||
|
its not his fault its mine- we've talked for about a year ona dn off and he has helped me a lot and .. i guess i loved him ....if i know what that means....
i only know it hurts - i never thought we'd meet - he's so far away - but i thought we'd be friends forever - he seemed to know me - and understand - he was never unkind - thats what makes it worse... I shared thoughts wiht him i never dared to share wit anyone and he understood.... he has to have some scans for an encapsulated growth in his brain this week - everything was fine.... then.... he became delusional .... I tried to hang in there and put reason where there was none in a non- reasoning way - if you understand what that means - he said i wanted to hurt him that id put a curse on him - yes i know thats out there - sighs.......that he was close to the creator...... all no mention till last week - i thought it was the brain thing getting worse - i care a lot for him - and i wanted to help - but he wouldnt believe me - that i didnt want to hurt him i have been called a liar before - when i was telling the truth - when it meant so much to me that my family believed me - but they didnt...... not the SA - i never told about that... it opens old wounds and briongs back body memories that i thought had left me - they come during the day now...... I should have kept my shields up - never let anyone in - never trust - never believe someone might love me - and that if by a miracle they did - that they would not leave me as everyone i love has.... and no im not talkiing about my friends here ... i do love my friends here... but this was a kindred spirit and again i am told i lie when i tell the truth - again they leave - i have never felt more lost and alone in my whole life... this hurts more than the scars i put on my arms.. this tears me up inside every second of the day..... how could i have been so stupid.. only somone on the edge of madness could be my mirrored soul.... I should have known that. and when my heart was full and I felt somoene knew about me and could stil love me lol i should have known he was mad .... or very very sick as was i to believe love was never meant for me everybody leaves eventually.. everybody leaves.
__________________
Its not how many times you fall down that counts its how many times you get back up! (Thanks to fenrir for my Picture )When you have come to the edge of all light that you know and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown, Faith is knowing One of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly. by Patrick Overton, author and poet |
|
#13
Feb 21, 2011, 10:07 AM
|
||||
|
||||
|
Wow, Phoenix, I can see how that would be so triggering for you. He sounds like a good friend. I'm so sorry about what has happened to him.
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
| phoenix7
|
|
#14
Feb 21, 2011, 10:33 AM
|
||||
|
||||
|
__________________
|
| phoenix7
|
|
#15
Feb 21, 2011, 06:05 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
(((((((((((((((P7)))))))))))))))
I am glad. So glad that I came back and read this today. Not because I like to see you in pain but because it reminded me of myself almost a year ago, trusting people who I thought could be trusted yet turned out to be completely the opposite. You KNOW that there is hope, you KNOW that there is love and kindness and that you can attract the good people and that you DO deserve the good people. You know this because you reminded me of this every time I needed reminding. Someone has hurt you, got you taking them in and trusting them and totally abused that and that's disgraceful, but you are not broken. You are wounded, and this can be fixed. Of course it'll take time but time is the only thing that can heal and help from others. Your T sounds really helpful, are you still going?? Maybe this is a time when it would be most helpful. If I were there, I'd give you a massive hug right now and remind you of all the reasons why it's OK to make mistakes, why it's OK to trust and love and listen to your heart, why it's OK to just be YOU. I really wish there was more I could do to make you feel better but I'm sending lots of positive vibes and warm fuzzies your way. I hope you feel better soon hon and I really do hope you're getting some support with this.  you amazing Lady  |
| phoenix7
|
|
#16
Feb 21, 2011, 09:51 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
he's sick its not his fault
my T was/is amazing.. i dont know if he's still alive or if the cancer got him - i havnt seen him in session for .. a year - two? i guess?? he rang me a few times after that after he retired - which was great of him - when the cyclone hit where he had moved to i rang his number but it wasnt him that answered...so maybe he's dead..i dont know and i guess i never will my uncle died his funeral is tomorrow and i have no money for flowers - such a waste of space - cant even show respect to him - my sister wil send flowers from us both and im grateful for that - but i wil always know here is another time i failed someone.... i am so pathetic lol another one gone..... and another time wihtout time to say goodbye im doing night shift tonight and driving to the funeral tomorrow - if my nephew comes he will drive.. i hope he comes wiht me and my sister there is a huge earthquake in New Zealand - its all over the news - it seems everywhere is sad.... im not sleeping much anyway or too much lol i am worried about my friend .. but i guess i wil never know .. same with T i dont want to bring anyone down - i just dont feel like fighting anymore the world is such a sad place to be
__________________
Its not how many times you fall down that counts its how many times you get back up! (Thanks to fenrir for my Picture )When you have come to the edge of all light that you know and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown, Faith is knowing One of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly. by Patrick Overton, author and poet |
|
#17
Feb 22, 2011, 03:36 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
There is sadness in the world Phoenix, but there is also good stuff. Finding more good stuff is the way to tip the balance.
I'm sorry about your uncle. You haven't failed because you don't have money for flowers. Many people are short on money these days. Your name is on some flowers, so it is okay. Be safe okay?
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
| phoenix7
|
|
#18
Feb 28, 2011, 02:57 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
(((((((((((((( phoenix )))))))))))))))
__________________
|
| phoenix7
|
|
#19
Feb 28, 2011, 03:06 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
(((phoenix)))
- it's good that you're posting about how you feel. I'm sorry about your uncles passing.....my condolences. I think you could find out if this man passed, if you know his location and full name - wondering if this would give you closure? I hope you'll be feelng stronger very soon.
__________________
This is our little cutie Bella *Practice on-line safety. *Cheaters - collecting jar of hearts. *Make your mess, your message. *"Be the change you want to see" (Gandhi) |
| phoenix7
|
|
#20
Mar 01, 2011, 08:33 AM
|
||||
|
||||
|
my sick friend unfriended me today ..... i know we werent talking... so why does it hurt so much ..
  and why cant i just shake this off....
__________________
Its not how many times you fall down that counts its how many times you get back up! (Thanks to fenrir for my Picture )When you have come to the edge of all light that you know and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown, Faith is knowing One of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly. by Patrick Overton, author and poet |
|
#21
Mar 02, 2011, 09:35 AM
|
||||
|
||||
|
I'm sorry Phoenix. Why can't you shake it off? Because you are human and it hurts.
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
| phoenix7
|
|
#22
Mar 09, 2011, 10:38 AM
|
||||
|
||||
|
just having trouble putting one foot in front of the other or doing anything ...i am ging to see pdoc and ask to come off my antidepressants - maybe that willl help - i took double the dose the other day by mistake ..all i did was end up sleeping and nearly..welll doesnt matter.
maybe i wil be better off them if your parents couldnt love you .. how can anyone else be expected to.. whts wrongwith me
__________________
Its not how many times you fall down that counts its how many times you get back up! (Thanks to fenrir for my Picture )When you have come to the edge of all light that you know and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown, Faith is knowing One of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly. by Patrick Overton, author and poet |
|
#23
Mar 09, 2011, 11:38 AM
|
||||
|
||||
|
(((phoenix7)) - has this happened before where you've felt very low? If a child has dysfunctional parents, it's not the child fault, why they couldn't love the child....it's the parents fault. Unfortunately children think it's their fault.
You need to dig your heals in, to get better...maybe go for a brisk walk everyday and fix yourself some nutritious meals. Pretend you're the friend in need and think about what you would tell us. I pray you'll feel better very soon.
__________________
This is our little cutie Bella *Practice on-line safety. *Cheaters - collecting jar of hearts. *Make your mess, your message. *"Be the change you want to see" (Gandhi) |
| phoenix7, sittingatwatersedge
|
|
#24
Mar 09, 2011, 01:33 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
(((((((((( phoenix ))))))))))
i dont think there is anything wrong with you hon...you had some pretty difficult things happen in your life...and they were NOT YOUR FAULT! The reason for not being able to shake it off is because you feel responsible for your friend unfriending you. But it may have nothing to with you. Perhaps you just grew apart....and that is okay...not every friend we have is meant to be in our lives forever...some come for only a moment and then are gone, some last a season or two and then they, too are gone, but the ones that last forever, grow in our hearts, giving us support and strength and friendship of the best kind. I pray you find some peace and calm this Lenten season. Jewels
__________________
True love exists when we lose ourselves to invest in the care of others. |
| lynn P., phoenix7
|
|
#25
Mar 09, 2011, 03:41 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
Phoenix, the only way to fix all of this is to be in therapy.
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
| phoenix7
|
| Reply |
This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
|
My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.
Linear Mode
